Feel Deeply Unloved by Family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am 50-something woman, wife, mother, successful professional. I feel so deeply unloved by my family or origin and cannot shake this feeling and how it impacts me still to this day. I’m from a mildly dysfunctional southern family, or maybe it’s a wildly dysfunctional family. My father is king dead from alcoholism. My mother is the kind of person everyone loves to be around, beautiful, engaging. She lives near my brother, who is also that kind of personality.

They routinely exclude me from things, discourage and even decline visits from me. It’s not that they don’t say they love me. They just don’t act like it. I feel so incredibly unloved by my mother and brother. Like the black sheep. By all outward measures, I should not feel this way. But I do. And it surely impacts my relationships with my husband and teenaged kids. What is going on with me?

Maybe you have a personality disorder. Go see a therapist

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is nothing wrong with you.

Your mother is a failed mother. No matter how much other people like her, she is a failure as a mother. Any mother whose child feels unloved and excluded—and has been demonstrably excluded—is a bad mother. Full stop. So no matter how the rest of the world sees her as wonderful or a success, she is not: she is a failure as a mother, her most important role in life.

Your brother is less to blame, because he learned from her as a child that cozying up to her and excluding you had its rewards. He should have snapped out of that by adulthood, but still. It’s a pity he’s not a better brother or human being, but there you have it.

Don’t bother with them anymore. And ESPECIALLY don’t start taking care of her as she ages. She made her bed, and she only wanted your brother around. So don’t you pick up any slack. She wanted your brother, not you? Fine, that’s the way it will be.

Don’t call or invite them to anything. You can treat any invitations or call they might initiate on a case-by-case basis. Good luck, OP.

Some children grow up to be dangerous and people especially women have to separate and place boundaries for their own safety. Others will have addictions and ruin them financially or physically through stress.

Feeling excluded and unloved doesn't always mean reality. Often, it's the feeling of the person without a lot of data to back it up or very one-sided data to prove the feeling. Feelings are only feelings. Not a fact.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I can relate to this. No alcoholism in my family & we're not southern, but I feel excluded and unloved from my family. Always have. I am in my 50's and spent years trying to improve our relationship, but finally gave up and now am quite distant. It is such a relief not dealing with their mindgames and BS anymore. I'm not happy, but I have some peace of mind. But I have a huge hole in my heart. You are not alone.

I'm in my 40s and estranged myself after being treated terribly. In lots of therapy I figured out my parents are likely narcissists and have created a huge ego in my sibling. I still occasionallt talk to my sibling but I also tell myself my parents, at an age when they should be reflecting on what's most important in life, have repeatedly chosen material and status-oriented things over their own daughter. In my case, I'm also an adopted child and my brother is not, so I'm not sure if that is part of it.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry, OP. My DH deals with this. He's a successful man in every way but this weighs on him so heavily that it affects his happiness, despite our having a pretty perfect life. He's in therapy over it but it's very painful. I hope you find peace with it someday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’re probably also in perimenopause. It really upsets the emotional apple cart!! Nothing is better or worse than before you’re just focusing on it more right now. Try to really stay in the moment and enjoy your own family and life. When you are 90, you’re going to look back and wish you had done that.

What! Years of abuse and now it’s hormonal. And no, the hurt never goes away even when you’re 90. It’s never something that staying in the moment. Enjoying the family you created can bring up lots of memories and what ifs.
Please don’t share this “advice” with someone who is suffering.

[Anonymous]

OP: I come from a very abusive large family. Every one of us has a very different reality when it comes to how we grew up. The fact is we are all victims of abuse. Yes, even the golden ones. Your brother is a victim of trauma just like you. No one is spared in this family regardless of what the optics are.
In my case I have always wanted a family even one with lots of warts and bruises would be fine with me. I never had this but I do have hope that once my mother dies and the lies and polarizing behavior end, siblings can have a relationship. Until then I will stay estranged.
Ready for this? I’m 65.

[Anonymous]

Was it always like this or did it start with Trump/covid/recent wars?
I am asking because I know of a case where a daughter is extremely different in her views from the rest of the family (who live elsewhere), makes it known at every opportunity and then is surprised when she isn’t loved like she wants to be loved.
I am not saying her views are wrong, I am saying it’s strange not to see the dynamic.
She is discouraged from attending certain things because they are not up her alley and it will make her and the rest uncomfortable if she attended.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I can relate to this. No alcoholism in my family & we're not southern, but I feel excluded and unloved from my family. Always have. I am in my 50's and spent years trying to improve our relationship, but finally gave up and now am quite distant. It is such a relief not dealing with their mindgames and BS anymore. I'm not happy, but I have some peace of mind. But I have a huge hole in my heart. You are not alone.

DP
I am sorry about this situation
Is your brother younger than you?

I'm in my 40s and estranged myself after being treated terribly. In lots of therapy I figured out my parents are likely narcissists and have created a huge ego in my sibling. I still occasionallt talk to my sibling but I also tell myself my parents, at an age when they should be reflecting on what's most important in life, have repeatedly chosen material and status-oriented things over their own daughter. In my case, I'm also an adopted child and my brother is not, so I'm not sure if that is part of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I can relate to this. No alcoholism in my family & we're not southern, but I feel excluded and unloved from my family. Always have. I am in my 50's and spent years trying to improve our relationship, but finally gave up and now am quite distant. It is such a relief not dealing with their mindgames and BS anymore. I'm not happy, but I have some peace of mind. But I have a huge hole in my heart. You are not alone.

I'm in my 40s and estranged myself after being treated terribly. In lots of therapy I figured out my parents are likely narcissists and have created a huge ego in my sibling. I still occasionallt talk to my sibling but I also tell myself my parents, at an age when they should be reflecting on what's most important in life, have repeatedly chosen material and status-oriented things over their own daughter. In my case, I'm also an adopted child and my brother is not, so I'm not sure if that is part of it.

Sorry it didn’t format right
Yes it is most likely part of it (so no fault of yours!) esp if your brother is younger
Sorry about that…

[Anonymous]

I deeply sympathize with OP and many others in this thread. I was seriously abused over the phone by my narcissist parents today. I have tried hard to go no contact with them, but they keep barreling back in.

In my case, I'm earning a working class living as a disabled and traumatized woman, and have no partner and no support. My parents are rich (multi-millionaires with three fully paid off homes) but hate me for refusing to be their b***h, so I'm on my own and live in poverty. They call me periodically to shame me, mock me, and harass me.

Today was one of those days and I have felt s**cidal for hours.

Very hard to live in this cruel world when nobody loves you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well it sounds like you don't live near them. Your visits would interrupt their flow. You wouldn't get their inside jokes. Focus on the family you create.

It’s OP’s mom or brother!

I know; I read the OP. What's your point?

My point was that the PP sounded emotionally tone deaf just like OP’s mom and brother. I thought maybe you actually are those people!

I'm not emotionally tone deaf. But OP is 50 years old! Look, I have some cousins I'm really close with and others I barely speak with bc we have nothing but blood in common. Different personalities, different interests, etc. At 50 OP should have made peace with this.

Ooh, you're cold. Maybe don't give relationship advice to people who care about their relationships?

[Anonymous]

You’re probably also in perimenopause. It really upsets the emotional apple cart!! Nothing is better or worse than before you’re just focusing on it more right now. Try to really stay in the moment and enjoy your own family and life. When you are 90, you’re going to look back and wish you had done that.

Not to minimize that you have very real complaints, but this poster may be right. I recently was going through some of what you are -- feeling deeply unloved by my family of origin, ruminating over past hurts, just very sad about my family, and it all was made worse by peri. I started HRT and the family issues have shrunk back to their original size in my psyche. It sucks just as much but feels much more manageable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP. I feel a little uncomfortable reading this post. I have a sister like this. She lives out of town, has a lovely life of her own. Very busy with her life, work and kids. But she is different from the rest of us who live here in that all her daily experiences are different from ours. Part of it is she doesn't call to just chat. She only visits once a year during the holidays. When there are issues with parents, she isn't on the ground here to help.

We love her, and we don't exclude her per se, but she doesn't want to be in the thick of the day to day here. In reading your post I wonder if her feelings are hurt as well because when she does come there are a lot of stories about all the things we do that she is excluded from.

That said, it probably comes across as a whole lot more of togetherness than actually happens. We all have our own busy lives here as well. But we do see each other more than once a year that she sees us.

One thought I had while reading this is "planes fly both ways"

[Anonymous]

I guess I was about 53 when I finally internalized that many people are just not nice or good people. For me, that included my mother and brother. They are also very popular people, most people like them a lot and want to hang out with them. But they aren’t kind people. They have never been kind to me or my child. Theyve done what they need to do to feel and look like they’re polite and nice. But there is just no sensitivity or warmth or kindness toward me, or really toward anyone.

Once I realized this, it became instantly easier to see that it was never about me. It’s about them. They don’t love me. They also don’t really love anyone else or each other.

Grief is the price we pay for love. For you, OP, you are grieving that you love your family but they don’t love you back. That means that you really love them. That’s a wonderful capacity and will give you a richer life. Just not with them. I am so sorry. It hurts.

[Anonymous]

I doubt that they don’t love you. I wonder if you do something that they don’t like.

I have a friend whose sister is always trying to visit or trying to vacation with them. The sister is successful and always pays for everything. What she doesn’t realize is that she is very condescending and her family doesn’t really like her. They love her because she is family but my friend tries to make every excuse not to visit her or for her to visit her. She used to have no choice but to let her stay but now the sister has out of control kids and she does not want her sister to come with her kids to visit her. Sister is very judgmental. She looks down on a lot of people and thinks people are jealous of her.