My mother’s self-imposed loneliness?

[Anonymous]

My mother, who probably has a personality disorder of some type, pushes away the people in her life with her poor behavior, and then complains about being alone.

She’s remarried but doesn’t like or get along with her husband’s children, so she makes herself scarce during holidays and get togethers, but then complains that she’s alone. She could change her behavior and get along and she wouldn’t be alone. She doesn’t see her role in her loneliness and views it as something that has happened to her.

I’m a nurse and work most holidays other than Christmas because it’s such good money it affords me the option to work less throughout the year, so I only see her at Christmas, and she acts miserable the whole time because I wasn’t at Thanksgiving, and I won’t be at Easter. It is the type of behavior that causes her to be alienated. But if you mention that, she cries and gives silent treatment.

I just got an earful about how lonely Thanksgiving was for her, how it was like “any other day”. She hid in her bedroom all day while her husband went to his son’s family dinner. She was invited, but chose not to go. How do I deal with these conversations when the other person isn’t rational?

[Anonymous]

You distance yourself, and enjoy yourself elsewhere, OP. Just like her husband does, poor soul.

[Anonymous]

You cut it off. When she tries to talk about it, change the subject. Go to a movie. Don't make room for conversation.

[Anonymous]

I'd stop getting together with her for Christmas, and any time she starts crying on the phone about being lonely I'd say I have to go. I refuse to baby adults who can't manage their behavior or feelings.

[Anonymous]

Ignore her complaints. You can’t change a martyr. My mom is like this. We all go out of our way to celebrate her birthday (though she NEVER acknowledges anyone else’s) and each year she insists on doing all the cooking herself, then complains it “wasn’t much of a birthday” because she had to do everything. And she never likes her presents.

Other visits are like yours - just complaining that visits are too short and infrequent, rather than just enjoying the time. And while we are there she mostly ignores everyone and plays sudoku.

[Anonymous]

+ 1 for movies. That's how we deal with my mom. On evenings when we know we are going to stay in, we invite her over for dinner and movie with the kids and take her home. Not much convo opportunity

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ignore her complaints. You can’t change a martyr. My mom is like this. We all go out of our way to celebrate her birthday (though she NEVER acknowledges anyone else’s) and each year she insists on doing all the cooking herself, then complains it “wasn’t much of a birthday” because she had to do everything. And she never likes her presents.

Other visits are like yours - just complaining that visits are too short and infrequent, rather than just enjoying the time. And while we are there she mostly ignores everyone and plays sudoku.

You can't undo an introvertive martyr's loneliness for them. Because as you saw, even your presence doesn't help (ironic, right?). My mother is like this, she spends the whole visit talking about how infrequently she sees me. The thing is I could visit every other day and I'd still hear this from her. This is my mother's way of defining her life. Period. My being there has no bearing on her viewpoint. Once I realized that it helped me feel less stressed about it.

[Anonymous]

My mom is like this, and probably has some kind of personality disorder, too. DCUM recommended a few books that were helpful to me.

-Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents
-Will I Ever Be Good Enough? (Karyl McBride, her website also has helpful articles)
-Children of the Self-Absorbed

None of these books fixed my relationship or my mother, but they helped me work through sadness around the relationship I don't have and identify and improve bad patterns of behavior that I have as a product of being raised by a parent like her.

There have been times that we completely bent to my mom's demands for time and attention, and it didn't change her complaints. I realized I could literally move my mother in with my and be at her beck and call, and she would still complain and be disappointed. That was liberating but also sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ignore her complaints. You can’t change a martyr. My mom is like this. We all go out of our way to celebrate her birthday (though she NEVER acknowledges anyone else’s) and each year she insists on doing all the cooking herself, then complains it “wasn’t much of a birthday” because she had to do everything. And she never likes her presents.

Other visits are like yours - just complaining that visits are too short and infrequent, rather than just enjoying the time. And while we are there she mostly ignores everyone and plays sudoku.

You can't undo an introvertive martyr's loneliness for them. Because as you saw, even your presence doesn't help (ironic, right?). My mother is like this, she spends the whole visit talking about how infrequently she sees me. The thing is I could visit every other day and I'd still hear this from her. This is my mother's way of defining her life. Period. My being there has no bearing on her viewpoint. Once I realized that it helped me feel less stressed about it.

Can you elaborate on this? It sounds just like my mom's situation and I've never thought of it this way. I think you're saying that your mom chooses and somehow enjoys this role and/or it's more comfortable than actually engaging with people?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ignore her complaints. You can’t change a martyr. My mom is like this. We all go out of our way to celebrate her birthday (though she NEVER acknowledges anyone else’s) and each year she insists on doing all the cooking herself, then complains it “wasn’t much of a birthday” because she had to do everything. And she never likes her presents.

Other visits are like yours - just complaining that visits are too short and infrequent, rather than just enjoying the time. And while we are there she mostly ignores everyone and plays sudoku.

You can't undo an introvertive martyr's loneliness for them. Because as you saw, even your presence doesn't help (ironic, right?). My mother is like this, she spends the whole visit talking about how infrequently she sees me. The thing is I could visit every other day and I'd still hear this from her. This is my mother's way of defining her life. Period. My being there has no bearing on her viewpoint. Once I realized that it helped me feel less stressed about it.

Can you elaborate on this? It sounds just like my mom's situation and I've never thought of it this way. I think you're saying that your mom chooses and somehow enjoys this role and/or it's more comfortable than actually engaging with people?

My mother doesn't "enjoy" what she perceives as her lot in life, but her current situation is more tolerable to her than reaching out and connecting with others. In fact, I think on some level she wants connection, but due to both her past experiences and the way she's wired, it is too uncomfortable for her to be that open and vulnerable. So instead she leans into the idea of the sad, lonely, put upon woman no one truly cares about. She can't see those of us who make the effort or recognize that our actions come from a good place. She defines herself as alone and unwanted, and therefore translates all contrary evidence through that lens so it will align with her misperceptions. Her behavior follows the same pattern.

It's tiring for those of us trying to be a good force in their lives. I love my mom and recently have recognized that she will not be who I always WANTED her to be (neither was she who I NEEDED her to be when I was growing up). This level of radical acceptance is tough, though; I'm still working at it.

But the acceptance is crucial for my inner peace, because if I refuse to recognize the reality of the relationships in my life, and spend all of my energy wishing my circumstances were different ... I would be making the same choices that drove my mother into her deep emotional ditch and that keep her there.

Sending you strength.

[Anonymous]

Above poster:

To add, only engage as much as you want with your parent(s). You do not owe them your sanity or your time. Do not sacrifice your life or those of your loved ones trying to find a better place with your family of origin.

My kids are older and I've been through enough therapy that I feel like I am able to and want to explore this relationship with my mother now.

Before this I had to be low- to no-contact. So do what feels right for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I only see her at Christmas, and she acts miserable the whole time because I wasn’t at Thanksgiving, and I won’t be at Easter.

"Mom, we're together now. I'd like to spend my time with you enjoying being together rather than talking about other holidays." If she persists, I'd leave the room.

[Anonymous]

Maybe she just needs to get laid OP. Have you suggested she put up a Tinder profile?

[Anonymous]

You could point out that she has been trying her attention seeking behavior for a few years and it never works. So why does she want to keep doing it?

[Anonymous]

You have to detach with love or detach without love-either way detach! I have a mother and sister like this-stuck in victim mentality, but cannot be accountable for poor behavior. The best place for them to work on their feeling sin therapy, but people like this usually just make others run to therapy to learn to detach from them. Set your boundaries. Figure out what level of together you can handle. If she acts up, give a warning, and then it she continues, exit stage left.