Reply to My mother’s self-imposed loneliness?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Ignore her complaints. You can’t change a martyr. My mom is like this. We all go out of our way to celebrate her birthday (though she NEVER acknowledges anyone else’s) and each year she insists on doing all the cooking herself, then complains it “wasn’t much of a birthday” because she had to do everything. And she never likes her presents.

Other visits are like yours - just complaining that visits are too short and infrequent, rather than just enjoying the time. And while we are there she mostly ignores everyone and plays sudoku.[/quote]

You can't undo an introvertive martyr's loneliness for them. Because as you saw, even your presence doesn't help (ironic, right?). My mother is like this, she spends the whole visit talking about how infrequently she sees me. The thing is I could visit every other day and I'd still hear this from her. [b]This is my mother's way of defining her life[/b]. Period. My being there has no bearing on her viewpoint. Once I realized that it helped me feel less stressed about it.[/quote]

Can you elaborate on this? It sounds just like my mom's situation and I've never thought of it this way. I think you're saying that your mom chooses and somehow enjoys this role and/or it's more comfortable than actually engaging with people? [/quote]

My mother doesn't "enjoy" what she perceives as her lot in life, but her current situation is more tolerable to her than reaching out and connecting with others. In fact, I think on some level she wants connection, but due to both her past experiences and the way she's wired, it is too uncomfortable for her to be that open and vulnerable. So instead she leans into the idea of the sad, lonely, put upon woman no one truly cares about. She can't see those of us who make the effort or recognize that our actions come from a good place. She defines herself as alone and unwanted, and therefore translates all contrary evidence through that lens so it will align with her misperceptions. Her behavior follows the same pattern.

It's tiring for those of us trying to be a good force in their lives. I love my mom and recently have recognized that she will not be who I always WANTED her to be (neither was she who I NEEDED her to be when I was growing up). This level of radical acceptance is tough, though; I'm still working at it.

But the acceptance is crucial for my inner peace, because if I refuse to recognize the reality of the relationships in my life, and spend all of my energy wishing my circumstances were different ... I would be making the same choices that drove my mother into her deep emotional ditch and that keep her there.

Sending you strength.
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