People who "go for the jugular"

[Anonymous]

How do you handle people who become incredibly vicious in interactions without warning? I have no idea how to handle it and feel like I need a strategy moving forward.

I'm not a vicious person and have a pretty strong filter -- I sometimes think very uncharitable things about other people but I never say the worst things that come to mind, and I definitely don't name call or get aggressive, even when I really dislike someone. So I don't know what to do with people who just unleash. I don't want to match them tit-for-tat because that will just escalate the conflict, right? But on the other hand, if I say nothing after they've been extremely uncivil, it feels like I'm not standing up for myself.

Has anyone figured out how to deal with people who have this kind of killer instinct in disagreements? I am dealing with one right now and I don't want to get steamrolled by him but I also don't want to say or do anything I'll regret (weird that he doesn't seem to have this same desire, but it's clear he really doesn't).

[Anonymous]

What is the context/situation at hand? Personal relationship, work setting, strangers in public? I'd probably react differently depending on the setting.

[Anonymous]

I have only seen this when people get really angry.

[Anonymous]

Dating?
Work?
Is this person like this in a defensive or offensive position.

[Anonymous]

“Why don’t you get yourself a snack and check back with me in a little bit”

[Anonymous]

I feel pity for the person and move about my life as I want. Saying nothing isn't letting them win or not standing up for yourself. It's not engaging with a vicious person and all the unnecessary drama and bad energy they bring to situation.

[Anonymous]

Do you have to deal with this man? Vicious men are to be avoided entirely unless absolutely necessary....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do you handle people who become incredibly vicious in interactions without warning? I have no idea how to handle it and feel like I need a strategy moving forward.

I'm not a vicious person and have a pretty strong filter -- I sometimes think very uncharitable things about other people but I never say the worst things that come to mind, and I definitely don't name call or get aggressive, even when I really dislike someone. So I don't know what to do with people who just unleash. I don't want to match them tit-for-tat because that will just escalate the conflict, right? But on the other hand, if I say nothing after they've been extremely uncivil, it feels like I'm not standing up for myself.

Has anyone figured out how to deal with people who have this kind of killer instinct in disagreements? I am dealing with one right now and I don't want to get steamrolled by him but I also don't want to say or do anything I'll regret (weird that he doesn't seem to have this same desire, but it's clear he really doesn't).

Someone who behaves this way likely has a cluster b personality disorder or is, at a minimum, emotionally immature. I am related to avperson like this and am currently on a no contact break from them because I can't control how they treat me and I don't want to sink to their level. I've been reading up on boundaries, scripts and methods to use in dealing with toxic people. It all starts with knowing your own values and self worth. From there, it looks simple enough: deflect, disengage, "grey rock", etc. I hope you find advice which helps you.

[Anonymous]

If it's in a work setting, chances are his reputation is out there and ppl know this about him. You have to keep it professional and when necessary, correct his misstatement with facts without any emotions attached.

If it's a personal relationship, distance yourself.

Basically, don't rise to his level and don't take the bait.

[Anonymous]

Grey rock, every time. Don’t respond, just look at them slightly puzzled and walk away.
These are normally people that were at risk in childhood and learned attack is the best defense. Later they regret their approach but patterns are hard to break. So do them the favor and don’t escalate, they will feel shame enough later if they have any introspection at all and if they don’t you at least feel fine.

[Anonymous]

OP here. It's in a semi-professional setting (not my actual job but an organization I work with). It's in my neighborhood so I will likely have to see him/interact with him in the future, even if just in passing (which is one reason why his ruthless behavior is surprising to me -- he doesn't seem to care about completely burning a bridge with me even though we live near each other and will likely interact in the future).

His most recent outburst (via email) was very intense. FWIW, several other people messaged privately after he sent it to let me know they thought it crossed a line and they support me. Which I appreciate. But I still don't know how to respond, if at all. Is there strength in just ignoring it or does that make me look scared of him? To be fair, I'm definitely very wary of him now. The aggression in his message was not subtle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Grey rock, every time. Don’t respond, just look at them slightly puzzled and walk away.
These are normally people that were at risk in childhood and learned attack is the best defense. Later they regret their approach but patterns are hard to break. So do them the favor and don’t escalate, they will feel shame enough later if they have any introspection at all and if they don’t you at least feel fine.

It’s this.

Sadly, I was/am this person and made strides to improve myself and understand WHY.

For me, I was dismissed often as a child, and it was my only defense to be heard! Even if I wasn’t really being heard. It was frustrating not being heard, I just wanted someone to acknowledge me. People would ignore/grey rock me, and that would only infuriate me more. More ignoring! I can’t be loud enough to be heard! Fine. I’ll be louder!

My advice is to HEAR these people, even if you don’t agree. “I hear you, Mary. I can see you’re passionate about this.” Or some variation of this.

[Anonymous]

I find it interesting that many pps assume it is a man acting this way. My sister could be the person tearing into op. She acts just like op described. You should see the smoke come out of her ears when I assert a boundary. You'd think I was trying to exorcise a demon from her. Lol.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I find it interesting that many pps assume it is a man acting this way. My sister could be the person tearing into op. She acts just like op described. You should see the smoke come out of her ears when I assert a boundary. You'd think I was trying to exorcise a demon from her. Lol.

OP referred to a "him."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If it's in a work setting, chances are his reputation is out there and ppl know this about him. You have to keep it professional and when necessary, correct his misstatement with facts without any emotions attached.

If it's a personal relationship, distance yourself.

Basically, don't rise to his level and don't take the bait.

Ok, the bolded is specifically what I'm struggling with. In his message, he severely mischaracterized several things I've done. For instance saying that I "yelled" at him in a conversation where I definitely didn't yell or even raise my voice (in fact I didn't even view the interaction in question as a conflict). He also called me several names and described my personality in an aggressively negative way that I don't think reflects even my worst qualities.

Do I correct the record on these points? Is it worthwhile? I do think he is coming off as unhinged to other people (there were several others on this email) but I also worry that if I don't say anything it looks like I am accepting his statements as true even though they are clearly not.

My inclination is to say nothing but I wonder if my silence is communicating something I don't want it to.