Emotional affair aftermath

[Anonymous]

Partner had a rather long emotional affair, I am positive they’ve never physically touched the AP but there was likely some sexting.

I’ve been through all sorts of emotions, done lots of reading and I’ve come to some realizations.

What hurts the most:
Over the previous period of time something felt wrong and on four different occasions I asked directly if they were seeing someone. I spent lots of time with spiraling thoughts and constant anxiety that I never understood but I’ve come to learn that this is a really common side effect when you are being lied to for an extended period. Your subconscious knows when something is off and because it cannot communicate directly with your conscious mind it often manifests with anxiety and circular thought which is why many people who have been cheated on or lied to repeatedly have a response that makes them feel like they were going crazy.
I expressed what I was going through to my spouse a number of times and they would either shrug or go silent. What hurts the most is knowing that they left me in pain when the more humane thing to do would be to tell me the truth. They were floating on cloud nine while I was exploring ketamine therapy to try and short circuit what I thought was some sort of acquired anxiety/panic disorder. Every bit of anxiety disappeared once I learned the truth.


Envy:
I know how easily emotional affairs can start and how powerful they can be, we were not in a good place and if someone else can offer limitless dopamine through texting or phone calls it’s natural to want more of it. I’m not angry that they didn’t put the brakes on the EA when they felt it cross over, what I am most is envious. Things are looking good as far as reconciliation goes but the one thing I’m kind of stuck on at the moment is that my spouse got to say and hear I love you from someone new and feel all of those amazing feelings that go along with it. They were caught so now all they have to do is put in some work in therapy and continue on. I know the butterflies are probably not going to come back to a long and battered marriage but the thing that bothers me most is that they got to have an extra piece of cake at the party and I’m trying to be happy with the remnants of the vegetable plate.

[Anonymous]

You know, I was horrifically jealous that my ex had an affair. I assumed it was very exciting and intoxicating. It NEVER OCCURED TO ME that I could have had an affair. I was stuck in the same marriage, the same slump of raising young kids, the same boredom. It didn't occur to me to cheat. But honey, not only could you have an emotional affair if you wanted. You could have a physical affair. You could get laid by a different hot guy every night if you wanted. You could find a more attractive guy, a more successful guy, a guy with a bigger .... you could have two guy at once. You could destroy your husband if you chose to.

Don't be envious of him having cake. You could have a million cakes. You could smush your husband's ego into the ground. You're a better person than him, so you wouldn't. But you could. And maybe he deserves to know that. Make a tinder profile. Get 1k matches in 24 hrs. Your husband can go eff himself. Sending you a hug!!

[Anonymous]

The emotional affair feelings are really really intense and the high is really high. But similarly the guilt and the post-relationship crash is incredibly, incredibly miserable and intense and you didn’t even get to have sex with the person. So it’s not like your husband just got these great romantic feelings with no downside.

Prior pp is also right that as a married woman, you can find an appealing guy to sleep with you any day of the week, no matter what you are looking for. The only downside is that it is a guy who is willing to sleep with a married woman and who is likely married himself.

So basically you get to make the choice and decide who you want to be- do you want to be a cheater because your husband was? Or does it matter to you that you’re not that person? I don’t actually judge. I think there is a whole section on surviving infidelity about people who cheated after their spouses cheated and I forget the term but it sounds like it’s no picnic and just as fraught and miserable as when their spouses cheated on them.

[Anonymous]

Oh come on. I’m sure you haven’t been perfect. Have you had an affair, emotional or otherwise? Have you lied to your spouse? Be honest.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like what you’re really feeling is heartbroken about the state of your marriage. You long for intimacy and love but you’ve gotten betrayal and loneliness.

Grieve what you’re feeling. And also take responsibility for your role in the breakdown of the relationship. It takes two.

If you can’t make it work anymore with your spouse, accept that and let go. Trying to get love out of someone who can’t love you is not healthy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like what you’re really feeling is heartbroken about the state of your marriage. You long for intimacy and love but you’ve gotten betrayal and loneliness.

Grieve what you’re feeling. And also take responsibility for your role in the breakdown of the relationship. It takes two.

If you can’t make it work anymore with your spouse, accept that and let go. Trying to get love out of someone who can’t love you is not healthy.

This is what I’m most curious about, at what point does one decide that this just doesn’t work anymore? We get along well enough but physical intimacy is weird, if someone pulled me aside and said this is the best it’s ever going to get I would need to pass. I want to fall back in love with my spouse but is this something I’m going to be working on for the next 20 years only to never really get back to a happy level and then being too old to care?

I realized something was off years ago and did tons of work on myself, I made many suggestions to rebuild, spouse would nod in agreement but never really change. Only recently have I realized that the reason they never put in any effort is because they were in love with someone else.
This is how people become roommates isn’t it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The emotional affair feelings are really really intense and the high is really high. But similarly the guilt and the post-relationship crash is incredibly, incredibly miserable and intense and you didn’t even get to have sex with the person. So it’s not like your husband just got these great romantic feelings with no downside.

Prior pp is also right that as a married woman, you can find an appealing guy to sleep with you any day of the week, no matter what you are looking for. The only downside is that it is a guy who is willing to sleep with a married woman and who is likely married himself.

So basically you get to make the choice and decide who you want to be- do you want to be a cheater because your husband was? Or does it matter to you that you’re not that person? I don’t actually judge. I think there is a whole section on surviving infidelity about people who cheated after their spouses cheated and I forget the term but it sounds like it’s no picnic and just as fraught and miserable as when their spouses cheated on them.

I haven’t observed a crash in them, whether I am to take that as meaning their connection wasn’t as intense or they are just really good at hiding I don’t know, it’s probably the latter.

I know I can go out and have random sex with somebody but that’s not what I’m looking for at this point in my life. I’m looking for all the other good parts that come with a functional relationship, the intense love, attraction and real physical/emotional intimacy are what I’m after and I don’t know if I can find real fulfillment by cheating with someone who is also likely cheating.

Counseling has been slow going, i’d like to go to some three week marriage basic training to just get it all out there at once instead of 50 minutes once a week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You know, I was horrifically jealous that my ex had an affair. I assumed it was very exciting and intoxicating. It NEVER OCCURED TO ME that I could have had an affair. I was stuck in the same marriage, the same slump of raising young kids, the same boredom. It didn't occur to me to cheat. But honey, not only could you have an emotional affair if you wanted. You could have a physical affair. You could get laid by a different hot guy every night if you wanted. You could find a more attractive guy, a more successful guy, a guy with a bigger .... you could have two guy at once. You could destroy your husband if you chose to.

Don't be envious of him having cake. You could have a million cakes. You could smush your husband's ego into the ground. You're a better person than him, so you wouldn't. But you could. And maybe he deserves to know that. Make a tinder profile. Get 1k matches in 24 hrs. Your husband can go eff himself. Sending you a hug!!

Kind of missing the point.

It's more like this: OP is a vegetarian for ethical reasons, and DH is enjoying bacon double cheeseburgers.

She isn't upset about what he got. She's upset that her husband doesn't share her values, and he got rewarded for it. It's hard to accept "I could be happier if I choose to become a worse person".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The emotional affair feelings are really really intense and the high is really high. But similarly the guilt and the post-relationship crash is incredibly, incredibly miserable and intense and you didn’t even get to have sex with the person. So it’s not like your husband just got these great romantic feelings with no downside.

Prior pp is also right that as a married woman, you can find an appealing guy to sleep with you any day of the week, no matter what you are looking for. The only downside is that it is a guy who is willing to sleep with a married woman and who is likely married himself.

So basically you get to make the choice and decide who you want to be- do you want to be a cheater because your husband was? Or does it matter to you that you’re not that person? I don’t actually judge. I think there is a whole section on surviving infidelity about people who cheated after their spouses cheated and I forget the term but it sounds like it’s no picnic and just as fraught and miserable as when their spouses cheated on them.

I haven’t observed a crash in them, whether I am to take that as meaning their connection wasn’t as intense or they are just really good at hiding I don’t know, it’s probably the latter.

I know I can go out and have random sex with somebody but that’s not what I’m looking for at this point in my life. I’m looking for all the other good parts that come with a functional relationship, the intense love, attraction and real physical/emotional intimacy are what I’m after and I don’t know if I can find real fulfillment by cheating with someone who is also likely cheating.

Counseling has been slow going, i’d like to go to some three week marriage basic training to just get it all out there at once instead of 50 minutes once a week.

You're an adult. "Intense love" isn't part of a functional relationship. It's part of a fling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like what you’re really feeling is heartbroken about the state of your marriage. You long for intimacy and love but you’ve gotten betrayal and loneliness.

Grieve what you’re feeling. And also take responsibility for your role in the breakdown of the relationship. It takes two.

If you can’t make it work anymore with your spouse, accept that and let go. Trying to get love out of someone who can’t love you is not healthy.

This is what I’m most curious about, at what point does one decide that this just doesn’t work anymore? We get along well enough but physical intimacy is weird, if someone pulled me aside and said this is the best it’s ever going to get I would need to pass. I want to fall back in love with my spouse but is this something I’m going to be working on for the next 20 years only to never really get back to a happy level and then being too old to care?

I realized something was off years ago and did tons of work on myself, I made many suggestions to rebuild, spouse would nod in agreement but never really change. Only recently have I realized that the reason they never put in any effort is because they were in love with someone else.
This is how people become roommates isn’t it?

The reason they didn't put effort in is that they are a lazy bum. They just found someone who flatters a lazy bum and who they can fantasize about.


Congrats on doing all that work on yourself! Time to collect the dividends of your investment. Put that classic car with the fresh paint and the rebuilt engine on the market, and go get your bag.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like what you’re really feeling is heartbroken about the state of your marriage. You long for intimacy and love but you’ve gotten betrayal and loneliness.

Grieve what you’re feeling. And also take responsibility for your role in the breakdown of the relationship. It takes two.

If you can’t make it work anymore with your spouse, accept that and let go. Trying to get love out of someone who can’t love you is not healthy.

This is what I’m most curious about, at what point does one decide that this just doesn’t work anymore? We get along well enough but physical intimacy is weird, if someone pulled me aside and said this is the best it’s ever going to get I would need to pass. I want to fall back in love with my spouse but is this something I’m going to be working on for the next 20 years only to never really get back to a happy level and then being too old to care?

I realized something was off years ago and did tons of work on myself, I made many suggestions to rebuild, spouse would nod in agreement but never really change. Only recently have I realized that the reason they never put in any effort is because they were in love with someone else.
This is how people become roommates isn’t it?

Would need more info.

Are you DH/DW.

Any other affairs (which one of you)?

What are the major issues in the relationship? What has your spouse said they are in counseling?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like what you’re really feeling is heartbroken about the state of your marriage. You long for intimacy and love but you’ve gotten betrayal and loneliness.

Grieve what you’re feeling. And also take responsibility for your role in the breakdown of the relationship. It takes two.

If you can’t make it work anymore with your spouse, accept that and let go. Trying to get love out of someone who can’t love you is not healthy.

This is what I’m most curious about, at what point does one decide that this just doesn’t work anymore? We get along well enough but physical intimacy is weird, if someone pulled me aside and said this is the best it’s ever going to get I would need to pass. I want to fall back in love with my spouse but is this something I’m going to be working on for the next 20 years only to never really get back to a happy level and then being too old to care?

I realized something was off years ago and did tons of work on myself, I made many suggestions to rebuild, spouse would nod in agreement but never really change. Only recently have I realized that the reason they never put in any effort is because they were in love with someone else.
This is how people become roommates isn’t it?

Would need more info.

Are you DH/DW.

Any other affairs (which one of you)?

What are the major issues in the relationship? What has your spouse said they are in counseling?

No other affairs for either of us, I did have a friendship they were very jealous of but that ended years ago.

Spouse is generally unhappy because of a stalled career that has skipped and started numerous times over the past 15 years, they love what they do but it is unlikely to go anywhere meaningful for them. Suggestions for going down a new career path are rebuffed as if you are attempting to strip them of their identity. They have this tragic story that they will repeat verbatim about how hard it’s been to restart their career but really what’s happening is they aren’t listening to the marketplace. They feel stuck and powerless and I know it weighs heavy,

I’ve offered any change in house/child care responsibilities they would need in order to go back to school, get a different type of job etc. I get nothing but excuses for why that won’t work and all are shut down as quickly as I can get them out of my mouth.

There are other normal pressures like finances and kid stuff but it’s nothing we haven’t dealt with before.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like what you’re really feeling is heartbroken about the state of your marriage. You long for intimacy and love but you’ve gotten betrayal and loneliness.

Grieve what you’re feeling. And also take responsibility for your role in the breakdown of the relationship. It takes two.

If you can’t make it work anymore with your spouse, accept that and let go. Trying to get love out of someone who can’t love you is not healthy.

This is what I’m most curious about, at what point does one decide that this just doesn’t work anymore? We get along well enough but physical intimacy is weird, if someone pulled me aside and said this is the best it’s ever going to get I would need to pass. I want to fall back in love with my spouse but is this something I’m going to be working on for the next 20 years only to never really get back to a happy level and then being too old to care?

I realized something was off years ago and did tons of work on myself, I made many suggestions to rebuild, spouse would nod in agreement but never really change. Only recently have I realized that the reason they never put in any effort is because they were in love with someone else.
This is how people become roommates isn’t it?

Would need more info.

Are you DH/DW.

Any other affairs (which one of you)?

What are the major issues in the relationship? What has your spouse said they are in counseling?

No other affairs for either of us, I did have a friendship they were very jealous of but that ended years ago.

Spouse is generally unhappy because of a stalled career that has skipped and started numerous times over the past 15 years, they love what they do but it is unlikely to go anywhere meaningful for them. Suggestions for going down a new career path are rebuffed as if you are attempting to strip them of their identity. They have this tragic story that they will repeat verbatim about how hard it’s been to restart their career but really what’s happening is they aren’t listening to the marketplace. They feel stuck and powerless and I know it weighs heavy,

I’ve offered any change in house/child care responsibilities they would need in order to go back to school, get a different type of job etc. I get nothing but excuses for why that won’t work and all are shut down as quickly as I can get them out of my mouth.

There are other normal pressures like finances and kid stuff but it’s nothing we haven’t dealt with before.

Guessing the “friendship” was an emotional affair.

Sounds like both of you have a victim thing going. Maybe that’s what is holding you together. Marriage gives you something/someone to blame.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The emotional affair feelings are really really intense and the high is really high. But similarly the guilt and the post-relationship crash is incredibly, incredibly miserable and intense and you didn’t even get to have sex with the person. So it’s not like your husband just got these great romantic feelings with no downside.

Prior pp is also right that as a married woman, you can find an appealing guy to sleep with you any day of the week, no matter what you are looking for. The only downside is that it is a guy who is willing to sleep with a married woman and who is likely married himself.

So basically you get to make the choice and decide who you want to be- do you want to be a cheater because your husband was? Or does it matter to you that you’re not that person? I don’t actually judge. I think there is a whole section on surviving infidelity about people who cheated after their spouses cheated and I forget the term but it sounds like it’s no picnic and just as fraught and miserable as when their spouses cheated on them.

I haven’t observed a crash in them, whether I am to take that as meaning their connection wasn’t as intense or they are just really good at hiding I don’t know, it’s probably the latter.

I know I can go out and have random sex with somebody but that’s not what I’m looking for at this point in my life. I’m looking for all the other good parts that come with a functional relationship, the intense love, attraction and real physical/emotional intimacy are what I’m after and I don’t know if I can find real fulfillment by cheating with someone who is also likely cheating.

Counseling has been slow going, i’d like to go to some three week marriage basic training to just get it all out there at once instead of 50 minutes once a week.

1. It sounds like you are more interested in new romance than piecing the marriage back together. And that is ok! Get divorced and go have fun if that’s what you want. But revenge cheating goes against your stated values and will just make you miserable. Adultery creates a LOT of useless and unnecessary drama in your life.

2. You don’t really know their feelings. Maybe your spouse’s AP is crushed- how would you know? I had an emotional affair and I realized that showing my feelings about the aftermath was hurtful to my spouse so I largely kept it to myself. I was miserable.

3. Counseling doesn’t work quickly. It takes a long time. It was many months before I knew I wanted to stay in the marriage. Just a data point.