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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][b]The emotional affair feelings are really really intense and the high is really high.  But similarly the guilt and the post-relationship crash is incredibly, incredibly miserable and intense and you didn’t even get to have sex with the person.[/b]  So it’s not like your husband just got these great romantic feelings with no downside.

Prior pp is also right that as a married woman, you can find an appealing guy to sleep with you any day of the week, no matter what you are looking for.  The only downside is that it is a guy who is willing to sleep with a married woman and who is likely married himself.

So basically you get to make the choice and decide who you want to be- do you want to be a cheater because your husband was?  Or does it matter to you that you’re not that person?  I don’t actually judge.  I think there is a whole section on surviving infidelity about people who cheated after their spouses cheated and I forget the term but it sounds like it’s no picnic and just as fraught and miserable as when their spouses cheated on them.[/quote]

I haven’t observed a crash in them, whether I am to take that as meaning their connection wasn’t as intense or they are just really good at hiding I don’t know, it’s probably the latter.

I know I can go out and have random sex with somebody but that’s not what I’m looking for at this point in my life. I’m looking for all the other good parts that come with a functional relationship, the intense love, attraction and real physical/emotional intimacy are what I’m after and I don’t know if I can find real fulfillment by cheating with someone who is also likely cheating.

Counseling has been slow going, i’d  like to go to some three week marriage basic training to just get it all out there at once instead of 50 minutes once a week.  [/quote]

1.  It sounds like you are more interested in new romance than piecing the marriage back together.  And that is ok!  Get divorced and go have fun if that’s what you want.  But revenge cheating goes against your stated values and will just make you miserable.  Adultery creates a LOT of useless and unnecessary drama in your life.

2.  You don’t really know their feelings.  Maybe your spouse’s AP is crushed- how would you know?  I had an emotional affair and I realized that showing my feelings about the aftermath was hurtful to my spouse so I largely kept it to myself.  I was miserable.

3.  Counseling doesn’t work quickly.  It takes a long time.  It was many months before I knew I wanted to stay in the marriage.  Just a data point.[/quote]

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