Reply to Emotional affair aftermath

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Sounds like what you’re really feeling is heartbroken about the state of your marriage. You long for intimacy and love but you’ve gotten betrayal and loneliness.

Grieve what you’re feeling. And also take responsibility for your role in the breakdown of the relationship. It takes two.

[b]If you can’t make it work anymore with your spouse, accept that and let go. Trying to get love out of someone who can’t love you is not healthy.[/b][/quote]

This is what I’m most curious about, at what point does one decide that this just doesn’t work anymore? We get along well enough but physical intimacy is weird, if someone pulled me aside and said this is the best it’s ever going to get I would need to pass.  I want to fall back in love with my spouse but is this something I’m going to be working on for the next 20 years only to never really get back to a happy level and then being too old to care?

I realized something was off years ago and did tons of work on myself, I made many suggestions to rebuild, spouse would nod in agreement but never really change. Only recently have I realized that the reason they never put in any effort is because they were in love with someone else. 
 This is how people become roommates isn’t it?

[/quote]

Would need more info.

Are you DH/DW.

Any other affairs (which one of you)?

What are the major issues in the relationship? What has your spouse said they are in counseling?[/quote]

No other affairs for either of us, I did have a friendship they were very jealous of but that ended years ago.

Spouse is generally unhappy because of a stalled career that has skipped and started numerous times over the past 15 years, they love what they do but it is unlikely to go anywhere meaningful for them. Suggestions for going down a new career path are rebuffed as if you are attempting to strip them of their identity. They have this tragic story that they will repeat verbatim about how hard it’s been to restart their career but really what’s happening is they aren’t listening to the marketplace. They feel stuck and powerless and I know it weighs heavy,

I’ve offered any change in house/child care responsibilities they would need in order to go back to school, get a different type of job etc. I get nothing but excuses for why that won’t work and all are shut down as quickly as I can get them out of my mouth.

There are other normal pressures like finances and kid stuff but it’s nothing we haven’t dealt with before.  
[/quote]

Guessing the “friendship” was an emotional affair.

Sounds like both of you have a victim thing going. Maybe that’s what is holding you together. Marriage gives you something/someone to blame.[/quote]

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