Am I a horrible daughter for not rescuing my mother?

[Anonymous]

My mother has always made unwise choices in life, and invariably, everyone rescues her. Over the summer my mother decided to move herself into a furnished, short-term rental in a fun, desirable area. Her plan was to stay for the winter, just for a change of scenery and to see what it was like to live in the middle of all the action. Her words.

Suddenly, she decided she didn’t want to live there anymore, quit her lease, and now needs to move this weekend. She is furious with me that I’m not willing to uproot my life this weekend and help her pack and shuttle her belongings back home to her house, i.e., rescue her.

I refuse mainly on principle, also because my mother has money to throw at this issue, but also, because it’s my busiest time of year at work and I just need to decompress. Thoughts?

[Anonymous]

Go help your mom. Come on.

[Anonymous]

She’ll be fine. If she really needed your help she would have asked you for the best date in which to cut her lease/move.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Go help your mom. Come on.

I’m tired of it. When is enough enough? When should she have to deal with the consequences of her poor choices? I can’t keep doing this!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She’ll be fine. If she really needed your help she would have asked you for the best date in which to cut her lease/move.

This is what I think. She sprung this on me literally last night at 9pm.

[Anonymous]

Not a horrible daughter at all. I wouldn't help with her bad decisions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Go help your mom. Come on.

I’m tired of it. When is enough enough? When should she have to deal with the consequences of her poor choices? I can’t keep doing this!

Then don't help her and tell her exactly this. I think the nice thing to do is help, but if you don't have the reserve to do it then you have to look out for yourself first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Go help your mom. Come on.

I’m tired of it. When is enough enough? When should she have to deal with the consequences of her poor choices? I can’t keep doing this!

Then don't help her and tell her exactly this. I think the nice thing to do is help, but if you don't have the reserve to do it then you have to look out for yourself first.

If you’re all about being nice then you go help OP’s mom.

[Anonymous]

There are companies that can pack and move.
She needs to own her choices

[Anonymous]

You feel guilt because you've been conditioned by your mother and society to attend to the needs of your mother at the expense of yourself - it would be the 'nice' thing to do even though you don't have the reserve to do it. You need to be aware of this conditioning and how it makes you feel.

No matter what decision you make, you're going to have some sort of negative emotion. If you help her, you'll feel resentful and feel even more weight/stress because of your workload. If you don't help, you'll feel guilt and, perhaps, the judgement of others. Which scenario is less burdensome for you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You feel guilt because you've been conditioned by your mother and society to attend to the needs of your mother at the expense of yourself - it would be the 'nice' thing to do even though you don't have the reserve to do it. You need to be aware of this conditioning and how it makes you feel.

No matter what decision you make, you're going to have some sort of negative emotion. If you help her, you'll feel resentful and feel even more weight/stress because of your workload. If you don't help, you'll feel guilt and, perhaps, the judgement of others. Which scenario is less burdensome for you?

+100

Solidarity, OP. A few years ago I decided to stop being my mom's free therapist and validator-in-chief. She really resented me at first but she can't really argue with it -- she's been doing it to me since I was a child and it sucks. It's not my job and never should have been assigned to me.

It gets easier with time. Your mom will be fine. She'll pay someone to come help her move and maybe the extra expense will help her remember next time the cost of making impulsive life decisions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You feel guilt because you've been conditioned by your mother and society to attend to the needs of your mother at the expense of yourself - it would be the 'nice' thing to do even though you don't have the reserve to do it. You need to be aware of this conditioning and how it makes you feel.

No matter what decision you make, you're going to have some sort of negative emotion. If you help her, you'll feel resentful and feel even more weight/stress because of your workload. If you don't help, you'll feel guilt and, perhaps, the judgement of others. Which scenario is less burdensome for you?

Winner, winner.

If you don't want to go, don't. And don't lose a minute's sleep. Her request is not reasonable and she's a big girl who can figure it out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You feel guilt because you've been conditioned by your mother and society to attend to the needs of your mother at the expense of yourself - it would be the 'nice' thing to do even though you don't have the reserve to do it. You need to be aware of this conditioning and how it makes you feel.

No matter what decision you make, you're going to have some sort of negative emotion. If you help her, you'll feel resentful and feel even more weight/stress because of your workload. If you don't help, you'll feel guilt and, perhaps, the judgement of others. Which scenario is less burdensome for you?

DP. Best response so far and so true.

Weigh which will make you feel worse. Either way, I would find a way to talk to your mom after this is over and tell her how you feel.

[Anonymous]

Mom has a house and also leased a second home (furnished apartment.)

I'd recommend she hire 2 men and a truck.

She can get moved for around $500-$600 if the furnishings stay at the furnished apartment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Go help your mom. Come on.

I’m tired of it. When is enough enough? When should she have to deal with the consequences of her poor choices? I can’t keep doing this!

It's your decision but to answer your question, yes, I do think you are a horrible daughter.