Why Aren’t More People Getting Married? Ask Women What Dating Is Like.

[Anonymous]

This is a guest editorial in NYTimes.

https://www.nytimes.com/2023/11/11/opinion/marriage-women-men-dating.html

I agree with the DCUM consensus that women can now afford to be picky because they have higher educations and incomes. But the author suggests that modern men are not emotionally available. Nonsense, - men were not emotionally available in previous generations either, but people still got married! The author calls for policies such as supporting single parents and higher ed cost reform. If you subsidize single parents, then you get more of them. If you want to increase marriage rates, then you need to start burning witches, bachelors, and spinsters.

Are women too picky? The article mentions an anthropologists book about egg freezing that mention "online ageism" and has a taxonomic Table 1.1 of cads. Or consider the author's college friend, who must be in her forties now:

One of these friends, with whom I went to college, would like nothing more than to be married. She’s beautiful and successful, and not, as far as I can tell, overly “picky.” She has had long-term relationships in the past, and cherishes the intimacy and stability they provide. To that end, she keeps a post-it note on a bulletin board. On it, she has drawn out 10 lines of 10 circles each. Every time she goes on a date with someone new, she fills in a circle. She’s committed to going on at least a hundred dates as she searches for a male partner with whom she can have a family. In two years, she’s filled in nearly half of the circles, and she’s still single. It’s like an SAT test form where every answer is incorrect. When she asks her male friends to set her up with their friends, they consistently tell her that no one they know would be good enough for her. “It’s like, how bad are you guys?” she marvels.

[Anonymous]

This topic is beating a dead horse at this point.

[Anonymous]

That article was pretty much all cope. 32 year old low income single mom with no baby daddy providing child support? Yeah what a catch!/s

[Anonymous]

Many women, myself included, do not want to be married. There are many reasons. 1. I can take care of myself. 2. I do not want to take care of a man (or a woman). 3. I don't want children in this world we live in. 4. GET OVER IT!

[Anonymous]

But men control access to marriage, so there's that...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a guest editorial in NYTimes.

https://www.nytimes.com/2023/11/11/opinion/marriage-women-men-dating.html

I agree with the DCUM consensus that women can now afford to be picky because they have higher educations and incomes. But the author suggests that modern men are not emotionally available. Nonsense, - men were not emotionally available in previous generations either, but people still got married! The author calls for policies such as supporting single parents and higher ed cost reform. If you subsidize single parents, then you get more of them. If you want to increase marriage rates, then you need to start burning witches, bachelors, and spinsters.

The bolded is good social policy if you want to improve the birth rate and keep population numbers up, and all the taxes etc. that come with that.

Of course you could use policy to support marriage and the birth rate. But, unclear why you would want to increase marriage rates just on their own.

[Anonymous]

I'm happily married, and before my DH I had relationships with plenty of good guys. Some duds (although they weren't necessarily duds because of being "emotionally unavailable" which seems to be the big gripe here), but there are plenty of good men out there.

[Anonymous]

A couple of points:

As a man I don't want to raise someone else's kids. (You want a good man? Don't have kids outside of marriage.)

Many women in DC are smart, that's great! But many are ~40+ and have prioritized their careers over family for most of their lives. I don't care about the status-level of my partner's job. I don't care how much money my partner makes. I do care if someone will be a good partner and can give me time and togetherness. (The DC area dating apps are filled with attractive, single, smart, 40 year old female attorneys.)

Women who are fat aren't attractive. (Most women who are online dating are obese. You want a good man? Have good hygiene, go to the gym regularly and diet.)

Women who are old aren't attractive. (You want a man? Lock one down before you turn 35-40. After 45 most women are invisible to men and you'll be stuck dating 60 year old men.)

Most people (men or women) who are still dating and never married by their late 30s-40s aren't partner material. (Emotional, psychological, sexual, commitment issues...)

Are looks important to men? Yes! And sex and a real emotional connection.

One easy fact about dating: if you want to find someone who will commit to you, date someone who is less attractive than you are. If you are a 6, date a 4 or 5.

[Anonymous]

I read that piece and agree that there is some "male drift." Most college educated women I know want to marry professional men.

Also, sociology 101 shows that in populations where men are outnumbered by women, there are lower rates of marriage because men do not need to try to "lock down" women. Instead, they take the advantage of the availability of casual relationships, sometimes more than one at the same time.

[Anonymous]

I can't find the source anymore, but I read an interesting article about how, historically, a good percentage of the population did not marry. They joined religious orders, joined the army, became educators, moved in with family to help out ... we have this cultural ideal that everybody pairs off, but that has never been true and, socially speaking, doesn't need to be true. Single people are a normal part of society.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Many women, myself included, do not want to be married. There are many reasons. 1. I can take care of myself. 2. I do not want to take care of a man (or a woman). 3. I don't want children in this world we live in. 4. GET OVER IT!

5. No one asked me to.

[Anonymous]

This is all BS.

Back in 2001, I remember an older colleague warning me how hard it was to find men to date in DC. OH, the horrors, she bemoaned!

But I had no trouble at all finding men to date in dc and even married one of them (+18 years!). Most of my peers at the time also married.

It's not systemic.

There will always be a minority of vocal people whining about this. Regardless of the decade. But most of us just find a partner and move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A couple of points:

As a man I don't want to raise someone else's kids. (You want a good man? Don't have kids outside of marriage.)

Many women in DC are smart, that's great! But many are ~40+ and have prioritized their careers over family for most of their lives. I don't care about the status-level of my partner's job. I don't care how much money my partner makes. I do care if someone will be a good partner and can give me time and togetherness. (The DC area dating apps are filled with attractive, single, smart, 40 year old female attorneys.)

Women who are fat aren't attractive. (Most women who are online dating are obese. You want a good man? Have good hygiene, go to the gym regularly and diet.)

Women who are old aren't attractive. (You want a man? Lock one down before you turn 35-40. After 45 most women are invisible to men and you'll be stuck dating 60 year old men.)

Most people (men or women) who are still dating and never married by their late 30s-40s aren't partner material. (Emotional, psychological, sexual, commitment issues...)

Are looks important to men? Yes! And sex and a real emotional connection.

One easy fact about dating: if you want to find someone who will commit to you, date someone who is less attractive than you are. If you are a 6, date a 4 or 5.

Either you are in your late 30s-40s and aren't partner material by your own admission or you are too young to know what you are talking about. In any case, your only meaningful contribution to this thread is some eyerolls.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can't find the source anymore, but I read an interesting article about how, historically, a good percentage of the population did not marry. They joined religious orders, joined the army, became educators, moved in with family to help out ... we have this cultural ideal that everybody pairs off, but that has never been true and, socially speaking, doesn't need to be true. Single people are a normal part of society.

I agree with this. As this board has shown, being married is not really frequently that great.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Many women, myself included, do not want to be married. There are many reasons. 1. I can take care of myself. 2. I do not want to take care of a man (or a woman). 3. I don't want children in this world we live in. 4. GET OVER IT!

5. No one asked me to.

Actually 4 men have asked me to marry them, Beta Boy.