Help Resolve Issue/Communication Error

[Anonymous]

Several months ago, before I knew plans, I bought tickets to a show with my 10yr old daughter, Mom, and Dad. Mom and Dad said this was the only date that worked for them. Our calendar was open.

After buying tickets, DH signed daughter up for soccer (she wasn’t planning to play when we bought tickets). Schedule came out several weeks later and her last game conflicts- happens to be an afternoon game when most weeks are morning games. We attended every other game/practice.

Talked about the scheduling issue several weeks ago when we realized the conflict. DH asked if date could change, I said why this date was the only one that worked (my parents schedule). And I said i thought it was no big deal, she would just miss this game- it was the only one she would miss. DH grumbled a bit- he thought she should go to the game- but also didn’t say anything else then or later. He never said- ok, go to the show but he also never said- change the plans, she needs to attend the game. I knew he wasn’t thrilled about it (he loves soccer and doesn’t care much for theater) but I thought he was ok with it. (Obviously, in hindsight, this is where miscommunication occurred and we both should have been clearer)

But…Now, less than one week to go- DH is mad. Says I should have never bought the tickets, said I should have sold mine, says I should still try to exchange them, etc. He thinks we are letting down the team, teaching daughter bad sportsmanship, etc. I still don’t think it is a big deal to miss the game (it’s rec soccer, she isn’t a star, and she has made it to every other game/practice) and I don’t think there is another solution that allows us to see the show with my parents. Best case- we sell the tickets and get the money back. Worst case- we lose the money.

I’m frustrated that he just now shared how upset he was and had no clue he was quietly stewing about this for weeks because I wasn’t “doing anything” to fix it. I now better understand why he is upset, and had I known all this weeks ago I might have been more open to exploring other options, but I honestly thought we had settled the issue weeks ago. We should have communicated better then, and I think we both realize that now. But how do we settle the issue now?

Thoughts?

[Anonymous]

I’m not a sports person. So YMMV. But honestly this seems like a dumb hill to die on for your DH. You’re not pulling her out of the game for something frivolous. A special memory with aging grandparents is priceless. He should support that.

Also, you got the tix before her game schedule. This is rec league.

Is your husband usually this insane and fixated on stuff he thinks is “right”?

[Anonymous]

It’s fine for your daughter to skip the game! Don’t change your plans for a game.

[Anonymous]

This should be easy to resolve. DH needs to lighten the f up. The kid is 10. And it's rec, to boot. Do the most valuable thing in the moment. By valuable, I don't mean the thing you paid the most for; I mean the thing that will enhance your family life the most and create the most meaningful memories for the kid. I guarantee you that a rec soccer game is not the most important way to spend that time.

[Anonymous]

A problem with rec soccer is that too many kids miss games because it’s a lower priority than many other things and teams often end up playing short handed. If you are a coach it can drive you nuts. I’ve been a soccer coach and always did my best to communicate to the parents the importance to the team of their kids being at every practice and game so as to not let the team down. Learning to not let a team down is an important early life lesson. Your child is ten and not six so learning about being a team member could resonate for a long time.

[Anonymous]

Op you are being very nice to call out that you didn’t know it was a big deal.

But honestly you are t the issue here. The fact that this is a big deal to him (either then OR weeks later) is the key problem here.
As others have pointed out, she is 10 on a REC league and she’s not missed any other games or practices. You are not teaching her to be a flake. You are teaching her that you honor prior commitments/plans that she made with her grandparents. If it’s five years from now on a travel league where you purchased tickets AFTER the soccer season schedule was posted, that’s worth a convo and a reschedule.

But this is DH throwing a fit bc he’d rather do the soccer dad thing than go to the theatres and hes leaning into the commitment and not letting the team down thing as a justification. Truth is—the team (including coach) is not gonna care. She’s 10. Grandparents would be sad though. HIS priorities are out of whack.

[Anonymous]

^^thats “you AREN’T the issue here”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This should be easy to resolve. DH needs to lighten the f up. The kid is 10. And it's rec, to boot. Do the most valuable thing in the moment. By valuable, I don't mean the thing you paid the most for; I mean the thing that will enhance your family life the most and create the most meaningful memories for the kid. I guarantee you that a rec soccer game is not the most important way to spend that time.

+1

But in response to the coach, I sort of agree. Commitments need to be prioritized, but there are special circumstances like this that are totally excusable in my book. My kids are all in travel sports now, but we still miss things, albeit rarely, for special events. We skipped a tourney just this past weekend b/c we visited our college aged kid for family weekend.

IMO if a kid wants to quit a team before the end of a season, that’s the time to teach them about following through with a commitment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A problem with rec soccer is that too many kids miss games because it’s a lower priority than many other things and teams often end up playing short handed. If you are a coach it can drive you nuts. I’ve been a soccer coach and always did my best to communicate to the parents the importance to the team of their kids being at every practice and game so as to not let the team down. Learning to not let a team down is an important early life lesson. Your child is ten and not six so learning about being a team member could resonate for a long time.

I’m the most recent poster making argument that this ain’t a huge deal and I stand by that.

But I also wanna say I just read your post and I hear you, too.
You’re A+ in my book for coaching and I’m sure flaking can be a real issue.
But I think you will probably agree that the problem is when every kid does this multiple times for no reason—not once a season after attending ALL other games and practices.
OP seems to understand that it’s ideal to make it to all the games/practices. But in an age where every extracurricular attempts ti get a “lock” on all of a family’s calendar, we all know that sometimes conflicts happen.

So I’m still Team OP on this one.

[Anonymous]

A relevant question for me is what your DD wants to do, whether she is upset about missing the game, how excited she is about the show.

I think it's silly to say she MUST make every game and practice over a season of rec soccer. Especially in elementary school. It would be different if this was a high school team with a record on the line, and your DD had a spot others had competed for. I can see the argument there about not letting down teammates and honoring a commitment. But rec sports are different, anyone can sign up, and it's very common for people to miss. I am certain other members of the team have missed practices or games at this point. Forcing her to miss something she was looking forward to, and which was committed to before soccer even started, doesn't really teach her anything if the culture of the league is that other kids miss all the time.

But on the other hand, if she was really sad to miss the game, I'd try to sell our tickets and see if my parents could go to another show at another time of year with us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This should be easy to resolve. DH needs to lighten the f up. The kid is 10. And it's rec, to boot. Do the most valuable thing in the moment. By valuable, I don't mean the thing you paid the most for; I mean the thing that will enhance your family life the most and create the most meaningful memories for the kid. I guarantee you that a rec soccer game is not the most important way to spend that time.

+1

But in response to the coach, I sort of agree. Commitments need to be prioritized, but there are special circumstances like this that are totally excusable in my book. My kids are all in travel sports now, but we still miss things, albeit rarely, for special events. We skipped a tourney just this past weekend b/c we visited our college aged kid for family weekend.

IMO if a kid wants to quit a team before the end of a season, that’s the time to teach them about following through with a commitment.

+100

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A problem with rec soccer is that too many kids miss games because it’s a lower priority than many other things and teams often end up playing short handed. If you are a coach it can drive you nuts. I’ve been a soccer coach and always did my best to communicate to the parents the importance to the team of their kids being at every practice and game so as to not let the team down. Learning to not let a team down is an important early life lesson. Your child is ten and not six so learning about being a team member could resonate for a long time.

I’m the most recent poster making argument that this ain’t a huge deal and I stand by that.

But I also wanna say I just read your post and I hear you, too.
You’re A+ in my book for coaching and I’m sure flaking can be a real issue.
But I think you will probably agree that the problem is when every kid does this multiple times for no reason—not once a season after attending ALL other games and practices.
OP seems to understand that it’s ideal to make it to all the games/practices. But in an age where every extracurricular attempts ti get a “lock” on all of a family’s calendar, we all know that sometimes conflicts happen.

So I’m still Team OP on this one.

+1, OP isn't suggesting half the games or practices. She's saying they had a prior commitment that conflicts with ONE game.

Also, it sounds like OP and her DD made the commitment to see the show with the grandparents before the soccer games were scheduled. Wy does forcing her to give up the show and attend the game teach her to honor commitments, but skipping the game to attend the show with her grandparents does not? They are both commitments. One is not automatically more important because it involves a team sport. It's rec soccer at a low level. It's really not that important.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op you are being very nice to call out that you didn’t know it was a big deal.

But honestly you are t the issue here. The fact that this is a big deal to him (either then OR weeks later) is the key problem here.
As others have pointed out, she is 10 on a REC league and she’s not missed any other games or practices. You are not teaching her to be a flake. You are teaching her that you honor prior commitments/plans that she made with her grandparents. If it’s five years from now on a travel league where you purchased tickets AFTER the soccer season schedule was posted, that’s worth a convo and a reschedule.

But this is DH throwing a fit bc he’d rather do the soccer dad thing than go to the theatres and hes leaning into the commitment and not letting the team down thing as a justification. Truth is—the team (including coach) is not gonna care. She’s 10. Grandparents would be sad though. HIS priorities are out of whack.

NP. See the bold above, OP. And please compare it to the soccer coach who posted separately and was basically trying to say that your DD will somehow "pay!" for not being at ONE game when she's made it to all the others. Coach is wrong, and PP above is right.

And your DH is being self-centered. Yes, you and he should have left things much clearer but you never once said that you were working on changing the tickets and if he thinks you were, he should have asked much sooner.

You asked how to resolve this. It's resolved. You, DD and the grandparents will go to the show. And you use the good script you already wrote for yourself in your own post, OP! You own words with additions at the end:

I’m frustrated that you just now shared how upset you are and had no clue you were quietly stewing about this for weeks because I wasn’t “doing anything” to fix it. I now better understand why you are upset, and had I known all this weeks ago I might have been more open to exploring other options, but I honestly thought we had settled the issue weeks ago. We should both have communicated better then, and I think we both realize that now. However, the show is a week away now, DD is anticipating it and SHE is not stressing about missing one game when she has been at ALL other games and shown her commitment to the team. We'll go to the show, but from now on, we need to learn from this and not stew and say nothing, and not make assumptions about what each other is or is not doing.

The bold is important too, OP. If DD is anticipating this and has been since BEFORE soccer, well, that matters too! She's 10 and in a rec league, not 17 and missing the championship game that will get her a soccer scholarship. It Is Not The End Of The World. And it truly does not mean she's going to learn to flake on commitments for the rest of her life. A long-planned one-off special event is NOT "flaking" or "failing to commit."

I have to wonder, how will DH be if your DD were to start preferring a musical theater class to soccer team? Or if she prefers softball or tennis or art or music and not soccer? He needs to take a step back if he's having his tantrum because he mostly doesn't like shows and prefers sports. That's his preference -- not ecessarily DD's. If she doesn't want to keep playing soccer after this one league season is over, keep an eye out; you don't want him to pressure her if he sees himself as Soccer Dad and thinks she "should" play. I know, that's not what's happening right now, but I'd watch for any signs he wants her to do what he thinks is the preferable activity, if it's not what she wants for herself.

[Anonymous]

I was a coach for my son's Little League team and I think your DH is being ridiculous. Yes, honoring a commitment is important, and your family made a commitment to an event long before the league even out out a schedule. So of course a family commitment trumps a rec league commitment!

As for the coach above, yes, it can be a problem when lots of kids ina team keep blowing off practices and games. But in the course of an entire season, to miss one game because of a prior family event is to be expected. Not just okay, but literally to be expected! As a coach, I just emphasized to families to let me know ASAP when they would be unable to play or practice...always knowing that families would have to go out of town or to a graduation or wedding or all kinds of things that were on family calendars before the season started.

Your DH has his priorities all out of whack.

[Anonymous]

Your DH is overthinking it. Grandparents come first!