I love him but don’t like him. Feeling stuck.

Anonymous
I love him very much but I genuinely don’t like him. He’s from the city, I’m not. He had a condo in DC before we met and I moved into his place after we got engaged; this was a little over a year ago. I didn’t change my plates because we decided we’d move to VA for more space, so because of this I have to move my car every few days. Usually he moves it for me but today I did it and couldn’t find parking so I called him to ask where I could park (the zoning is confusing to me). He decided to come out and move it for me so I went around the block to circle back to the front of the house. I didn’t see that he was on the corner and drove past him - I was only about 30 feet in front of him. Well, this apparently really pissed him off because I heard him yell, “What the f*** man?!?”. I asked if that was to me and he said yes because I drove right past him. I told him it wasn’t a huge deal, calm down, and to stop yelling. He said it was a huge deal because I was “wasting his time” and that helping me is “ridiculous” because I should know where to park, even though as I said he usually parks my car. I told him I didn’t want him helping me if he was going to continue to act this way over something small - he got out of the car.

After parking my car I went back inside and I told him how it made me feel and all the times I help him with simple things I don’t complain or make him feel bad about it because you’re supposed to rely on your partner for things, even the little things. I brought up how he’s been working for DHS for 10 years and still asks me to help open up zip files because he doesn’t know how. He responded and said, “At least I have a job. At least I have a folder for work that I can open”. Our team got laid off a few months so I’ve been out of work. He started laughing after he said that and said I shouldn’t have said anything about his job, even though I didn’t say a word about his job but about how I help him repeatedly with a minor task and don’t get worked up about it.

More stuff happened and more things were said after this but you all get the point. He left to go to the gym after this and I’m sitting here thinking just how much I genuinely don’t like him anymore. I’m sure he doesn’t like me either because of he talks to me; I was incredibly sick a few months ago with Covid and he started yelling at me because he asked me to move s blanket to a couch and I didn’t. I know I still love him but I don’t know what to do. Part of me wants to leave him the other part me knows that I’d be sad and don’t want him with anyone else. 100% of me knows that one way or the other our relationship can’t continue the way it is. Rather we get couples therapy or go separate ways I don’t know what’s best or if therapy is even worth it. I’m just genuinely confused right now.
Anonymous
Please dump him. He won't change. It's better to be alone than be with someone who wants you to feel small.
Anonymous
Are you married? If not, just leave. You sound like a bad match. If yes, talk to a lawyer. A divorce is easy and cheap if you don't have kids.
Anonymous
Break up. You're not married, you don't have kids, you shouldn't need therapy.
Anonymous
Love is not enough to have a successful relationship.

Imagine being exhausted from having a newborn. How would he treat you? Cranky and mad or loving and supportive. The biggest fight DH and I got into during the newborn phase was demanding the other person go to bed because they were more tired.
So he was telling me it was my turn to sleep because I was more tired than him. Even though he was back to work and taking on the 4am feeding. And I was telling him he needed to sleep because I was able to nap when the baby napped during the week. It was a huge blowout. And it showed me that DH would put me before himself.

Would your boyfriend do that? I don’t think this is something that can be taught. I think moving on to someone who is a better fit might be best.
Anonymous
There is an underlying, core meanness here that is not going to change. I had your realization early in our relationship but was paralyzed from my own self doubt and the prospect of a failed relationship / engagement. Fast forward 10 years and 2 kids, and it is very difficult. It will get so much worse.
Anonymous
You're not stuck. You have no kids, not married, even your car still has VA plate. So no, do not consider yourself stuck. Get the hell out.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:Love is not enough to have a successful relationship.

Imagine being exhausted from having a newborn. How would he treat you? Cranky and mad or loving and supportive. The biggest fight DH and I got into during the newborn phase was demanding the other person go to bed because they were more tired.
So he was telling me it was my turn to sleep because I was more tired than him. Even though he was back to work and taking on the 4am feeding. And I was telling him he needed to sleep because I was able to nap when the baby napped during the week. It was a huge blowout. And it showed me that DH would put me before himself.

Would your boyfriend do that? I don’t think this is something that can be taught. I think moving on to someone who is a better fit might be best.


I am the PP and that is a very sweet anecdote. OP, the alternative is my situation— where my spouse (seems similar emotionally to your partner) started saying as soon as I got pregnant that he would not be staying up with the baby because he would be the one working. He did not wake up in the middle of the night. If I asked him to, I got yelled at and berated.
Anonymous
You bringing up stuff tit for tat is extremely poor taste. Are you contributing any rent? You don't work but wont even move your own car?

If you don't like him just leave. You have no job, so nothing tying to the area. Not wanting him to be with someone else is not a reason to stay. You sound codependent and needy.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:There is an underlying, core meanness here that is not going to change. I had your realization early in our relationship but was paralyzed from my own self doubt and the prospect of a failed relationship / engagement. Fast forward 10 years and 2 kids, and it is very difficult. It will get so much worse.


Preface by saying I’m genuinely asking because we’re only her side, what makes you think there’s a core meanness and not something like stress from work?
Anonymous
You've been engaged over a year. Is their a wedding planned?

Things should not feel like this at the stage you are at. Not one bit. It's not a red flag. It's a red blanket and you are suffocating under it. Proceed with marrying this person and you'll regret it.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:There is an underlying, core meanness here that is not going to change. I had your realization early in our relationship but was paralyzed from my own self doubt and the prospect of a failed relationship / engagement. Fast forward 10 years and 2 kids, and it is very difficult. It will get so much worse.


Preface by saying I’m genuinely asking because we’re only her side, what makes you think there’s a core meanness and not something like stress from work?


NP.

So people who are stressed from work don't get to be mean if they are emotionally healthy. Mean is mean.
Anonymous
I mean, you’ve lived there for a year so you should really have figured out the parking situation by now. It’s your car so it’s your responsibility.

That said, this sounds like a terrible match and will only get worse if and when you actually are “stuck.” Right now you don’t even have a lease agreement tying you to him. Time to break up.
Anonymous
Both of you should stay single.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:You bringing up stuff tit for tat is extremely poor taste. Are you contributing any rent? You don't work but wont even move your own car?

If you don't like him just leave. You have no job, so nothing tying to the area. Not wanting him to be with someone else is not a reason to stay. You sound codependent and needy.


Woah. Before I got laid off I was obviously contributing to the rent. As far as moving my car, so what? And it’s no that I won’t he just does it. I go to the store and buy all the groceries for the house. It’s not that he won’t do it I just happen to do it. I’m not needy in anyway, people just happen to do things for each other unasked.
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