How do you prep for serious talks with your spouse

[Anonymous]

If you need to have a serious tough talk with your spouse, how do you prep? Do you talk in a public place say over dinner? Do you schedule a time to talk? Do you just spill it on the spot?

[Anonymous]

I don't ... prep? Maybe I wait for the kids to be in bed or for us to not be around them. We have quarterly meetings to go over finances, trips and stuff we need to sign kids up for (which kind of is part of finances), so a lot comes up then.

If DH said something that embarrassed me in public I might tell him in the car on the way home or that night when we're getting ready for bed, "hey I felt like the miscarriage was private and wish you hadn't said anything. I wasn't ready to talk about it with people. Going forward can we please touch base on what we're sharing before we share when it comes to reproductive or medical stuff?"

[Anonymous]

Great way to prep, just like Rocky!

[Anonymous]

If I knew we had to have it in advance (as opposed to it spontaneously arising), I'd let them know I wanted to talk about x, and could we set aside some time to do that.

Sometimes things just spill out and we have a serious talk on the spot. I find those so, so draining - but they can be productive. Just not my first choice.

I despise the serious talks in public thing. I think it's something people do when they know they're going to upset someone and they don't want to deal with that upset. Definitely not okay for a spouse (unless there's a safety concern, but that's a whole other ball of wax).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't ... prep? Maybe I wait for the kids to be in bed or for us to not be around them. We have quarterly meetings to go over finances, trips and stuff we need to sign kids up for (which kind of is part of finances), so a lot comes up then.

If DH said something that embarrassed me in public I might tell him in the car on the way home or that night when we're getting ready for bed, "hey I felt like the miscarriage was private and wish you hadn't said anything. I wasn't ready to talk about it with people. Going forward can we please touch base on what we're sharing before we share when it comes to reproductive or medical stuff?"

I wish my spouse operated like this but he doesn’t. He will hold things in and then unleash on me months later about something I did. I will apologize for it but then the apology isn’t good enough. I feel like I have to give blood and organs for doing any wrong. To answer your question Op, I don’t prep. I just keep quiet. It’s so lonely.

[Anonymous]

I used to wait until he was in a calm mood, fed, not too fatigued, etc. But he's just a very difficult person in general nowadays, and I've given up. So now I don't discuss anything that's not absolutely critical, and for those things I will just tell him baldly what my view is and then walk away, or actually leave the house for a while, if he starts to sputter, because I know what's coming next.

[Anonymous]

There is no perfect time as all DH ever says is "I don't know" or "this isn't a good time to talk" ... I do prep by thinking about what I want to get across or say. What I'll say to his negative comments. I like to get a little coaching from a friend beforehand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is no perfect time as all DH ever says is "I don't know" or "this isn't a good time to talk" ... I do prep by thinking about what I want to get across or say. What I'll say to his negative comments. I like to get a little coaching from a friend beforehand.

This is how my DH is. Is he receptive to what you have to say?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you need to have a serious tough talk with your spouse, how do you prep? Do you talk in a public place say over dinner? Do you schedule a time to talk? Do you just spill it on the spot?

If you need to make sure you're out in public to have a serious talk with your own spouse than you are definitely married to the wrong person

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you need to have a serious tough talk with your spouse, how do you prep? Do you talk in a public place say over dinner? Do you schedule a time to talk? Do you just spill it on the spot?

NP
Yes he tends to need a calm time but is usually always stewing.

I also record it since he has ODD and takes any comment or suggestion personally, instantly. And then starts his DARVO tactics. The original topic gets buried by his deflections and tangential accusation attempts. Bringing things back on task doesn’t work, we almost need a third party and a list maker to table all the nonsense he throws around.

Basically he has no conflict resolution skills, and would rather try to start a big side argument and further damage the relationship, than work as a team and find a sensible solution or two.

I record it to (a) see this pattern in him, (b) see if we made any progress on the topic (vacation trip, child having an issue, school decisions, elderly parent issues, income cash flow issues).

Frankly it’s psycho-ville trying to talk to him about anything real.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you need to have a serious tough talk with your spouse, how do you prep? Do you talk in a public place say over dinner? Do you schedule a time to talk? Do you just spill it on the spot?

NP
Yes he tends to need a calm time but is usually always stewing.

I also record it since he has ODD and takes any comment or suggestion personally, instantly. And then starts his DARVO tactics. The original topic gets buried by his deflections and tangential accusation attempts. Bringing things back on task doesn’t work, we almost need a third party and a list maker to table all the nonsense he throws around.

Basically he has no conflict resolution skills, and would rather try to start a big side argument and further damage the relationship, than work as a team and find a sensible solution or two.

I record it to (a) see this pattern in him, (b) see if we made any progress on the topic (vacation trip, child having an issue, school decisions, elderly parent issues, income cash flow issues).

Frankly it’s psycho-ville trying to talk to him about anything real.

Wow! Would you say you are generally unhappy in the marriage? Or are their positive things that balance his lack of conflict resolution out, that enable you to still be happy?

[Anonymous]

I tell him we need to have a conference. We then go to our room and talk privately. He is tuned into the family, finances and house, so there's usually no surprises. He seldom calls for conferences with me, rather he keeps me informed as things come up.

[Anonymous]

It’s rare we have a need for a serious talk but when the need arises I just wait until we are alone and things are quiet. It’s rare because we are both pretty laid back and don’t sweat the small stuff. But I never raise an issue at the moment it might have happened as it could become too heated.

[Anonymous]

If one of us says “hey can you sit down with me to talk,” we know it is time to focus on the conversation. Sometimes it is something really serious, sometimes it is just sorting through complicated logistics, sometimes it is just sharing something that is stressful.

But we have done a lot of marriage enrichment stuff since we first married that teaches a lot about how to communicate. The core of it is what they call “knee to knee” communication where you know it is important to focus. We don’t actually get knee to knee, but we know the signal.

[Anonymous]

I get ready for the fight DH is about to start just for bringing anything unpleasant up. The fact we're not talking about the weather or tv shows will be a problem for him to handle.