How do you prep for serious talks with your spouse

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you need to have a serious tough talk with your spouse, how do you prep? Do you talk in a public place say over dinner? Do you schedule a time to talk? Do you just spill it on the spot?

NP
Yes he tends to need a calm time but is usually always stewing.

I also record it since he has ODD and takes any comment or suggestion personally, instantly. And then starts his DARVO tactics. The original topic gets buried by his deflections and tangential accusation attempts. Bringing things back on task doesn’t work, we almost need a third party and a list maker to table all the nonsense he throws around.

Basically he has no conflict resolution skills, and would rather try to start a big side argument and further damage the relationship, than work as a team and find a sensible solution or two.

I record it to (a) see this pattern in him, (b) see if we made any progress on the topic (vacation trip, child having an issue, school decisions, elderly parent issues, income cash flow issues).

Frankly it’s psycho-ville trying to talk to him about anything real.

I'm married to the same man. WHAT IS THIS BS??? I'm at a loss as to how to "fix" this or even if I want to at this point? He's like a child. Also he puts words in my mouth I didn't say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't ... prep? Maybe I wait for the kids to be in bed or for us to not be around them. We have quarterly meetings to go over finances, trips and stuff we need to sign kids up for (which kind of is part of finances), so a lot comes up then.

If DH said something that embarrassed me in public I might tell him in the car on the way home or that night when we're getting ready for bed, "hey I felt like the miscarriage was private and wish you hadn't said anything. I wasn't ready to talk about it with people. Going forward can we please touch base on what we're sharing before we share when it comes to reproductive or medical stuff?"

I wish my spouse operated like this but he doesn’t. He will hold things in and then unleash on me months later about something I did. I will apologize for it but then the apology isn’t good enough. I feel like I have to give blood and organs for doing any wrong. To answer your question Op, I don’t prep. I just keep quiet. It’s so lonely.

This sounds like DW. Finally get home after a miserable day/week and fighting traffic, get 2 steps into the door and get blindsided with whatever she’s been saving up. She and I both know I’m not going to be at my best in that moment, but this appears to be her strategy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you need to have a serious tough talk with your spouse, how do you prep? Do you talk in a public place say over dinner? Do you schedule a time to talk? Do you just spill it on the spot?

NP
Yes he tends to need a calm time but is usually always stewing.

I also record it since he has ODD and takes any comment or suggestion personally, instantly. And then starts his DARVO tactics. The original topic gets buried by his deflections and tangential accusation attempts. Bringing things back on task doesn’t work, we almost need a third party and a list maker to table all the nonsense he throws around.

Basically he has no conflict resolution skills, and would rather try to start a big side argument and further damage the relationship, than work as a team and find a sensible solution or two.

I record it to (a) see this pattern in him, (b) see if we made any progress on the topic (vacation trip, child having an issue, school decisions, elderly parent issues, income cash flow issues).

Frankly it’s psycho-ville trying to talk to him about anything real.

I'm married to the same man. WHAT IS THIS BS??? I'm at a loss as to how to "fix" this or even if I want to at this point? He's like a child. Also he puts words in my mouth I didn't say.

The PPP here. It’s called unkind person + unmanaged aspergers/hfa/ASD I person.

Things suddenly got so bad when I was pregnant with kid 2 that he agreed to get a neuropsych test.

Until then I chalked this up to cultural differences, his parents who don’t talk much and can’t follow along, and being male. Then things got into such a pervasive bad pattern of mistakes, forgetting things, lashing out like a freak, and stonewalling, he got tested. He agreed in order to “prove me and the doctors wrong” that he had ADD.

Needless to say he doesn’t accept his ASD diagnosis or chronic symptoms and continues to blame me for everything he forgets, breaks, injures, neglects, etc.

We just have him do office work and tag along when he’s in a good mood. He does out on a good show for a couple hours when out of the house for others. My kids started noticing his dual personalities - in the house vs out of it- when they were each 7.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you need to have a serious tough talk with your spouse, how do you prep? Do you talk in a public place say over dinner? Do you schedule a time to talk? Do you just spill it on the spot?

NP
Yes he tends to need a calm time but is usually always stewing.

I also record it since he has ODD and takes any comment or suggestion personally, instantly. And then starts his DARVO tactics. The original topic gets buried by his deflections and tangential accusation attempts. Bringing things back on task doesn’t work, we almost need a third party and a list maker to table all the nonsense he throws around.

Basically he has no conflict resolution skills, and would rather try to start a big side argument and further damage the relationship, than work as a team and find a sensible solution or two.

I record it to (a) see this pattern in him, (b) see if we made any progress on the topic (vacation trip, child having an issue, school decisions, elderly parent issues, income cash flow issues).

Frankly it’s psycho-ville trying to talk to him about anything real.

Wow! Would you say you are generally unhappy in the marriage? Or are their positive things that balance his lack of conflict resolution out, that enable you to still be happy?

Happy with myself, my kids, my house, my career, my friends, my family, yes

Happy with my spouse and my marriage and how stuck that all is forever, no. I operate as a single parent including of a 250kb 49-something ManChild.

But I processed it all, read all about it, did $4000 of therapy to “cope”, know my divorce options, raise my kids to be independent and set boundaries, and see through all the antics and patterns now. He’s actually very predictable now. But has no interest in putting effort into improving his bad habits or communication.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you need to have a serious tough talk with your spouse, how do you prep? Do you talk in a public place say over dinner? Do you schedule a time to talk? Do you just spill it on the spot?

Does he do better with things in writing or more lead time?

Try that out, especially if he has slow processing speed in general

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you need to have a serious tough talk with your spouse, how do you prep? Do you talk in a public place say over dinner? Do you schedule a time to talk? Do you just spill it on the spot?

NP
Yes he tends to need a calm time but is usually always stewing.

I also record it since he has ODD and takes any comment or suggestion personally, instantly. And then starts his DARVO tactics. The original topic gets buried by his deflections and tangential accusation attempts. Bringing things back on task doesn’t work, we almost need a third party and a list maker to table all the nonsense he throws around.

Basically he has no conflict resolution skills, and would rather try to start a big side argument and further damage the relationship, than work as a team and find a sensible solution or two.

I record it to (a) see this pattern in him, (b) see if we made any progress on the topic (vacation trip, child having an issue, school decisions, elderly parent issues, income cash flow issues).

Frankly it’s psycho-ville trying to talk to him about anything real.

Wow! Would you say you are generally unhappy in the marriage? Or are their positive things that balance his lack of conflict resolution out, that enable you to still be happy?

Happy with myself, my kids, my house, my career, my friends, my family, yes

Happy with my spouse and my marriage and how stuck that all is forever, no. I operate as a single parent including of a 250kb 49-something ManChild.

But I processed it all, read all about it, did $4000 of therapy to “cope”, know my divorce options, raise my kids to be independent and set boundaries, and see through all the antics and patterns now. He’s actually very predictable now. But has no interest in putting effort into improving his bad habits or communication.

If you're that happy why carry the dead, predictable weight??? Cut it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you need to have a serious tough talk with your spouse, how do you prep? Do you talk in a public place say over dinner? Do you schedule a time to talk? Do you just spill it on the spot?

NP
Yes he tends to need a calm time but is usually always stewing.

I also record it since he has ODD and takes any comment or suggestion personally, instantly. And then starts his DARVO tactics. The original topic gets buried by his deflections and tangential accusation attempts. Bringing things back on task doesn’t work, we almost need a third party and a list maker to table all the nonsense he throws around.

Basically he has no conflict resolution skills, and would rather try to start a big side argument and further damage the relationship, than work as a team and find a sensible solution or two.

I record it to (a) see this pattern in him, (b) see if we made any progress on the topic (vacation trip, child having an issue, school decisions, elderly parent issues, income cash flow issues).

Frankly it’s psycho-ville trying to talk to him about anything real.

Wow! Would you say you are generally unhappy in the marriage? Or are their positive things that balance his lack of conflict resolution out, that enable you to still be happy?

Happy with myself, my kids, my house, my career, my friends, my family, yes

Happy with my spouse and my marriage and how stuck that all is forever, no. I operate as a single parent including of a 250kb 49-something ManChild.

But I processed it all, read all about it, did $4000 of therapy to “cope”, know my divorce options, raise my kids to be independent and set boundaries, and see through all the antics and patterns now. He’s actually very predictable now. But has no interest in putting effort into improving his bad habits or communication.

If you're that happy why carry the dead, predictable weight??? Cut it!

NP. Some of us care more about keeping our children with us through adulthood than the happiness of our marriage. I have unrelated issues with my spouse, but I can relate to the PP in that I have processed it, read about it, done the therapy, and know what a divorce will look like, but I'm sticking it out to be able to stay with my children full time. It is the right decision for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you need to have a serious tough talk with your spouse, how do you prep? Do you talk in a public place say over dinner? Do you schedule a time to talk? Do you just spill it on the spot?

NP
Yes he tends to need a calm time but is usually always stewing.

I also record it since he has ODD and takes any comment or suggestion personally, instantly. And then starts his DARVO tactics. The original topic gets buried by his deflections and tangential accusation attempts. Bringing things back on task doesn’t work, we almost need a third party and a list maker to table all the nonsense he throws around.

Basically he has no conflict resolution skills, and would rather try to start a big side argument and further damage the relationship, than work as a team and find a sensible solution or two.

I record it to (a) see this pattern in him, (b) see if we made any progress on the topic (vacation trip, child having an issue, school decisions, elderly parent issues, income cash flow issues).

Frankly it’s psycho-ville trying to talk to him about anything real.

Wow! Would you say you are generally unhappy in the marriage? Or are their positive things that balance his lack of conflict resolution out, that enable you to still be happy?

Happy with myself, my kids, my house, my career, my friends, my family, yes

Happy with my spouse and my marriage and how stuck that all is forever, no. I operate as a single parent including of a 250kb 49-something ManChild.

But I processed it all, read all about it, did $4000 of therapy to “cope”, know my divorce options, raise my kids to be independent and set boundaries, and see through all the antics and patterns now. He’s actually very predictable now. But has no interest in putting effort into improving his bad habits or communication.

If you're that happy why carry the dead, predictable weight??? Cut it!

Because he will damage the kids more with solo custody time or vacations.
He needs supervision, by healthy functional people (his family has the same mental disorders so not a childcare solution).

[Anonymous]

Just remember that while you have thought about what you want to say, your partner hasn't had the opportunity. They are reacting in the moment while on the spot without the ability to prepare the way you have for the conversation. I think it is better to give both parties a heads up regarding what is to be discussed so both can come prepared. Most people feel attacked and get defensive or shut it down when one person is prepared and the other isn't and feels ambushed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you need to have a serious tough talk with your spouse, how do you prep? Do you talk in a public place say over dinner? Do you schedule a time to talk? Do you just spill it on the spot?

NP
Yes he tends to need a calm time but is usually always stewing.

I also record it since he has ODD and takes any comment or suggestion personally, instantly. And then starts his DARVO tactics. The original topic gets buried by his deflections and tangential accusation attempts. Bringing things back on task doesn’t work, we almost need a third party and a list maker to table all the nonsense he throws around.

Basically he has no conflict resolution skills, and would rather try to start a big side argument and further damage the relationship, than work as a team and find a sensible solution or two.

I record it to (a) see this pattern in him, (b) see if we made any progress on the topic (vacation trip, child having an issue, school decisions, elderly parent issues, income cash flow issues).

Frankly it’s psycho-ville trying to talk to him about anything real.

Wow! Would you say you are generally unhappy in the marriage? Or are their positive things that balance his lack of conflict resolution out, that enable you to still be happy?

Happy with myself, my kids, my house, my career, my friends, my family, yes

Happy with my spouse and my marriage and how stuck that all is forever, no. I operate as a single parent including of a 250kb 49-something ManChild.

But I processed it all, read all about it, did $4000 of therapy to “cope”, know my divorce options, raise my kids to be independent and set boundaries, and see through all the antics and patterns now. He’s actually very predictable now. But has no interest in putting effort into improving his bad habits or communication.

If you're that happy why carry the dead, predictable weight??? Cut it!

NP. Some of us care more about keeping our children with us through adulthood than the happiness of our marriage. I have unrelated issues with my spouse, but I can relate to the PP in that I have processed it, read about it, done the therapy, and know what a divorce will look like, but I'm sticking it out to be able to stay with my children full time. It is the right decision for me.

If he had ever proved to be a decent parent or able to see or put the needs of his own children before his own immediate needs or wants, I would have left years ago.

They are now older and verbal and he still cannot process what they need; worse, he’s so neglectful he is easy to trick (for money, for skipping practice, for not doing homework, for not brushing teeth, etc.).

He’s worse than the bare minimum, since he cannot see danger or judge a dangerous situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you need to have a serious tough talk with your spouse, how do you prep? Do you talk in a public place say over dinner? Do you schedule a time to talk? Do you just spill it on the spot?

NP
Yes he tends to need a calm time but is usually always stewing.

I also record it since he has ODD and takes any comment or suggestion personally, instantly. And then starts his DARVO tactics. The original topic gets buried by his deflections and tangential accusation attempts. Bringing things back on task doesn’t work, we almost need a third party and a list maker to table all the nonsense he throws around.

Basically he has no conflict resolution skills, and would rather try to start a big side argument and further damage the relationship, than work as a team and find a sensible solution or two.

I record it to (a) see this pattern in him, (b) see if we made any progress on the topic (vacation trip, child having an issue, school decisions, elderly parent issues, income cash flow issues).

Frankly it’s psycho-ville trying to talk to him about anything real.

I'm married to the same man. WHAT IS THIS BS??? I'm at a loss as to how to "fix" this or even if I want to at this point? He's like a child. Also he puts words in my mouth I didn't say.

Me too but its because hes an alcoholic

[Anonymous]

I'm not afraid to talk about anything with my husband.
Usually goes like this :

Finances - let's do some banking
Family - let's talk about who needs help
House stuff - let's make a plan
You need, I need, we need - whatever
Yesterday I ordered his brother some clothes. He asked when I ordered that and I said today and ? Then I told him I gave my sister some money and all he said was are you sure it was enough ? He knows what I do. He gets texts.
No prep, just bring up whatever. I really can't remember the last time he ignored me or got defensive about a subject. If he did I'd just call him a s***head and he'd laugh. I forgot, I wanted him to look at something and he was on his phone so I said put down that damn phone. He laughed and we went from there.

[Anonymous]

I just jump right in. Agree that it's best to make sure s/he is not hungry, tired, or pre-occupied.

[Anonymous]

It depends.

Do you both already have the communication skills to negotiate pain points and conflict in a healthy and compatible manner? If yes, then anywhere you have privacy or the reasonable expectation of privacy is a good location. Like any conversation, think (or write) one or two points that are important to you ahead of time. Listen and ask questions.

If this is not a rough outline of how you handle conflict with each other, then get a therapy appointment. Marital for communication skill development and individual for personal skill development.

[Anonymous]

Your spouse should be your friend. Mine is my best.
He just said I was his best friend. LOL !