How do you prep for serious talks with your spouse

[Anonymous]

Like what sorts of serious talks? I just tell my DH what I think when I think it, or as soon as its reasonable to do so if I don't want to say it in front of other people.

[Anonymous]

We check in with each other monthly. There are a few set questions, both positive and constructive. Usually that is when important conversations happen that we didn’t talk about previously. Nothing really festers since we have them often. I guess we’d need a different tactic with conflicts that aren’t resolved satisfactorily. But we got pretty lucky.

One of the questions is “is there something I’ve done to upset you that you haven’t talked with me about?” Also, “is there anything that you feel hasn’t been really resolved”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We check in with each other monthly. There are a few set questions, both positive and constructive. Usually that is when important conversations happen that we didn’t talk about previously. Nothing really festers since we have them often. I guess we’d need a different tactic with conflicts that aren’t resolved satisfactorily. But we got pretty lucky.

One of the questions is “is there something I’ve done to upset you that you haven’t talked with me about?” Also, “is there anything that you feel hasn’t been really resolved”

Are you being serious? How long have you been married?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not afraid to talk about anything with my husband.
Usually goes like this :

Finances - let's do some banking
Family - let's talk about who needs help
House stuff - let's make a plan
You need, I need, we need - whatever
Yesterday I ordered his brother some clothes. He asked when I ordered that and I said today and ? Then I told him I gave my sister some money and all he said was are you sure it was enough ? He knows what I do. He gets texts.
No prep, just bring up whatever. I really can't remember the last time he ignored me or got defensive about a subject. If he did I'd just call him a s***head and he'd laugh. I forgot, I wanted him to look at something and he was on his phone so I said put down that damn phone. He laughed and we went from there.

Super, you both seem normal and neurotypical.

[Anonymous]

I don’t prep. I just spit it out. Never in public! Usually when we’re in our bedroom & have privacy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We check in with each other monthly. There are a few set questions, both positive and constructive. Usually that is when important conversations happen that we didn’t talk about previously. Nothing really festers since we have them often. I guess we’d need a different tactic with conflicts that aren’t resolved satisfactorily. But we got pretty lucky.

One of the questions is “is there something I’ve done to upset you that you haven’t talked with me about?” Also, “is there anything that you feel hasn’t been really resolved”

Are you being serious? How long have you been married?

Seven years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you need to have a serious tough talk with your spouse, how do you prep? Do you talk in a public place say over dinner? Do you schedule a time to talk? Do you just spill it on the spot?

NP
Yes he tends to need a calm time but is usually always stewing.

I also record it since he has ODD and takes any comment or suggestion personally, instantly. And then starts his DARVO tactics. The original topic gets buried by his deflections and tangential accusation attempts. Bringing things back on task doesn’t work, we almost need a third party and a list maker to table all the nonsense he throws around.

Basically he has no conflict resolution skills, and would rather try to start a big side argument and further damage the relationship, than work as a team and find a sensible solution or two.

I record it to (a) see this pattern in him, (b) see if we made any progress on the topic (vacation trip, child having an issue, school decisions, elderly parent issues, income cash flow issues).

Frankly it’s psycho-ville trying to talk to him about anything real.

Wow! Would you say you are generally unhappy in the marriage? Or are their positive things that balance his lack of conflict resolution out, that enable you to still be happy?

Happy with myself, my kids, my house, my career, my friends, my family, yes

Happy with my spouse and my marriage and how stuck that all is forever, no. I operate as a single parent including of a 250kb 49-something ManChild.

But I processed it all, read all about it, did $4000 of therapy to “cope”, know my divorce options, raise my kids to be independent and set boundaries, and see through all the antics and patterns now. He’s actually very predictable now. But has no interest in putting effort into improving his bad habits or communication.

I relate to this and to your posts. My question is do you respect him? I'm feeling like now I have my husband numbers and patterns down and his lack of wanting to really change and it's not very attractive to me and I don't want to manage a "son" that's a husband and I'm wondering if I'm losing respect for him or something. I'm just over this. I don't want to keep taking charge I want him to.

[Anonymous]

bump!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you need to have a serious tough talk with your spouse, how do you prep? Do you talk in a public place say over dinner? Do you schedule a time to talk? Do you just spill it on the spot?

NP
Yes he tends to need a calm time but is usually always stewing.

I also record it since he has ODD and takes any comment or suggestion personally, instantly. And then starts his DARVO tactics. The original topic gets buried by his deflections and tangential accusation attempts. Bringing things back on task doesn’t work, we almost need a third party and a list maker to table all the nonsense he throws around.

Basically he has no conflict resolution skills, and would rather try to start a big side argument and further damage the relationship, than work as a team and find a sensible solution or two.

I record it to (a) see this pattern in him, (b) see if we made any progress on the topic (vacation trip, child having an issue, school decisions, elderly parent issues, income cash flow issues).

Frankly it’s psycho-ville trying to talk to him about anything real.

Wow! Would you say you are generally unhappy in the marriage? Or are their positive things that balance his lack of conflict resolution out, that enable you to still be happy?

Happy with myself, my kids, my house, my career, my friends, my family, yes

Happy with my spouse and my marriage and how stuck that all is forever, no. I operate as a single parent including of a 250kb 49-something ManChild.

But I processed it all, read all about it, did $4000 of therapy to “cope”, know my divorce options, raise my kids to be independent and set boundaries, and see through all the antics and patterns now. He’s actually very predictable now. But has no interest in putting effort into improving his bad habits or communication.

I relate to this and to your posts. My question is do you respect him? I'm feeling like now I have my husband numbers and patterns down and his lack of wanting to really change and it's not very attractive to me and I don't want to manage a "son" that's a husband and I'm wondering if I'm losing respect for him or something. I'm just over this. I don't want to keep taking charge I want him to.

SAME!!! I feel some respect leaving...

[Anonymous]

DH preps with lists and talking points. It comes out scripted and insincere, though I know it’s coming from a well intended place.

I bring big things up as they occur because I don’t like to stew or overthink. Small annoyances I let fester until I hate him and then I realize how stupid it is in the grand scheme of things and decide to forget about the issue. It’s a weird cycle.

We talk at home as needed, and while our kid is out if a bigger issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH preps with lists and talking points. It comes out scripted and insincere, though I know it’s coming from a well intended place.

I bring big things up as they occur because I don’t like to stew or overthink. Small annoyances I let fester until I hate him and then I realize how stupid it is in the grand scheme of things and decide to forget about the issue. It’s a weird cycle.

We talk at home as needed, and while our kid is out if a bigger issue.

It is a weird cycle. We are similar do you find there are certain times where the same "infraction" lol will get you more pissed off than others? Its so easy to get mad at little things that wont matter in a year. Life is short. I need to stop sweating the little things more.

[Anonymous]

BJ

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:BJ

Seriously? Come on.