People tell me being weird is a great thing, but I find it isolating

[Anonymous]

Obviously I'm not going to go into details with acquaintances of why I hate being weird (how I think, activities I enjoy, etc.) and how it's caused a lot of loneliness, but it hurts that people don't understand this. Can anyone relate?

[Anonymous]

I think this is one of those placating things people say to make people feel better. I mean its good you're not trying to be someone you're not, but that doesn't make it easier if you can't find people similar to you.

That being said, there is an online community for virtually all interests. Have you tried finding something online that could perhaps lead to an IRL friendship?

[Anonymous]

Yes. I am a weird person with a weird kid and people don't get the isolation.

I had a friend once who told me "I like you because I don't mind weird people," and wow did that absolutely burn itself into my brain. She had no idea of why that might be hurtful, even though her comment highlights the fact that a lot of people do "mind" people who are different, which is why getting labeled as weird is so isolating. I think she thought she was doing me a favor in being friends with me? I imagined her talking about me to others and being so proud of her friendship with me, a total weirdo other people don't want to be friends with.

I also got the sense she was directly quoting others who had expressed to her that they didn't like me because I was weird. Like it felt like an outgrowth of a conversation she'd had with others.

I don't know how to be not weird. I just am who I am. IME, the harder I try to be "normal" the more weird I come off, so I gave up on that. But I'm still different and I still get lots of strange looks or people who kind of smile at me and then beg off conversations. It's very hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes. I am a weird person with a weird kid and people don't get the isolation.

I had a friend once who told me "I like you because I don't mind weird people," and wow did that absolutely burn itself into my brain. She had no idea of why that might be hurtful, even though her comment highlights the fact that a lot of people do "mind" people who are different, which is why getting labeled as weird is so isolating. I think she thought she was doing me a favor in being friends with me? I imagined her talking about me to others and being so proud of her friendship with me, a total weirdo other people don't want to be friends with.

I also got the sense she was directly quoting others who had expressed to her that they didn't like me because I was weird. Like it felt like an outgrowth of a conversation she'd had with others.

I don't know how to be not weird. I just am who I am. IME, the harder I try to be "normal" the more weird I come off, so I gave up on that. But I'm still different and I still get lots of strange looks or people who kind of smile at me and then beg off conversations. It's very hard.

Yes. This. I've tried for decades (literally), and I guess I must come off as acting or something. I also have friends who seem to pity me.

[Anonymous]

I'm actually teaching my kids the opposite. It's important to form connections with people, and fitting in is part of that. Good manners are ways to make other people feel comfortable. Societal norms are how we avoid anarchy. Flouting this is not a good thing.

If you have a disability such as autism, then people should make allowances for that. There are also resources to help you. You could join groups for people with autism and form connections.

Bucking society at large is generally some form of disability/mental illness. You can also do some odd things privately, as long as there's no moral or legal issue at hand. You don't need to broadcast every part of your life. But if you're running into frequent problems, then you need professional help. You'll likely be much happier once you get your diagnosis and get help for how to manage it.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. Isolation is terrible. I hope it gets better for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm actually teaching my kids the opposite. It's important to form connections with people, and fitting in is part of that. Good manners are ways to make other people feel comfortable. Societal norms are how we avoid anarchy. Flouting this is not a good thing.

If you have a disability such as autism, then people should make allowances for that. There are also resources to help you. You could join groups for people with autism and form connections.

Bucking society at large is generally some form of disability/mental illness. You can also do some odd things privately, as long as there's no moral or legal issue at hand. You don't need to broadcast every part of your life. But if you're running into frequent problems, then you need professional help. You'll likely be much happier once you get your diagnosis and get help for how to manage it.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. Isolation is terrible. I hope it gets better for you.

I do not intentionally flout social norms, and I find it offensive you would accuse me of such. I try very hard to fit in.

I do not have autism. Yes, I've been screened. I just...want to be basic, want to be like the moms I meet, and can't figure out how.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm actually teaching my kids the opposite. It's important to form connections with people, and fitting in is part of that. Good manners are ways to make other people feel comfortable. Societal norms are how we avoid anarchy. Flouting this is not a good thing.

If you have a disability such as autism, then people should make allowances for that. There are also resources to help you. You could join groups for people with autism and form connections.

Bucking society at large is generally some form of disability/mental illness. You can also do some odd things privately, as long as there's no moral or legal issue at hand. You don't need to broadcast every part of your life. But if you're running into frequent problems, then you need professional help. You'll likely be much happier once you get your diagnosis and get help for how to manage it.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. Isolation is terrible. I hope it gets better for you.

^ a good example of why being different is so isolating. People are convinced it's something you are doing on purpose just to annoy them, instead of just a natural part of your personality.

I don't know how to "be normal." I have tried and tried. There was a time in my 20s/30s where I actually got very good at masking my weirdness and could pass as normal at work and with casual acquaintances. This was a very isolating time because as soon as people got to know me any better than surface level, they would either reject me or become overly interested in my "weirdness." It was very hard to find people who just accepted me for who I am -- they either wanted me to be the normal person I presented myself as, or they seemed to fetishize the ways in which I'm different and its was very othering.

At the heart of my weirdness is that I was neglected as a child and sort of "raised myself" which means there are just a lot of touchstones of life that I think are normal to others but are totally foreign to me. A lot of what I learned about society and relationships came from reading extensively and absorbing a lot of info, or observing people as an adult and copying what they were doing. But again, this only gets you surface level normalness. Underneath that, I'll always be weird. And people like PP will always be irritated and think it's something I'm doing for attention.

[Anonymous]

I find people who aren’t even a little bit weird boring af. What a horrible way to go through life.

[Anonymous]

I think there's a nuance between being weird and being quirky. Being weird is licking the wall. Being quirky is noticing the color of the wall and connecting it to the color of some other random thing you saw recently, or the color reminding you of a song, etc.

I'm quirky in that I don't feel the need to do things just because "that's what is usually done." So, I had ravioli for breakfast today. Because why not? I buy kids bandaids rather than plain ones, because they make me super happy. I have dozens of things like that. But I can still say hi to you when we run into each other and ask what your kids are dressing as for Halloween and pet your dog all normally.

[Anonymous]

I am a super weirdo but I look very normal. Actually better than normal so everyone likes me. It's really sad how much physical attractiveness makes others want to be friends with you. Once they're already my friends, then they realize I'm a freak and by then it's too late!

Can you get a glow up and see if you're less lonely?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think there's a nuance between being weird and being quirky. Being weird is licking the wall. Being quirky is noticing the color of the wall and connecting it to the color of some other random thing you saw recently, or the color reminding you of a song, etc.

I'm quirky in that I don't feel the need to do things just because "that's what is usually done." So, I had ravioli for breakfast today. Because why not? I buy kids bandaids rather than plain ones, because they make me super happy. I have dozens of things like that. But I can still say hi to you when we run into each other and ask what your kids are dressing as for Halloween and pet your dog all normally.

I hate the word quirky, but then I’m weird. Weird is awesome, quirky is Zooey Deschanel on The New Girl.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a super weirdo but I look very normal. Actually better than normal so everyone likes me. It's really sad how much physical attractiveness makes others want to be friends with you. Once they're already my friends, then they realize I'm a freak and by then it's too late!

Can you get a glow up and see if you're less lonely?

Lol. Yep, being an attractive, outgoing weirdo has worked out pretty well for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a super weirdo but I look very normal. Actually better than normal so everyone likes me. It's really sad how much physical attractiveness makes others want to be friends with you. Once they're already my friends, then they realize I'm a freak and by then it's too late!

Can you get a glow up and see if you're less lonely?

Interesting. I'm finally get a grasp on what normal women do (Botox, waxing, hair color, etc), but I'm still heavily obese, so it hasn't helped. Struggling to lose weight, but mabe that would get me there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Obviously I'm not going to go into details with acquaintances of why I hate being weird (how I think, activities I enjoy, etc.) and how it's caused a lot of loneliness, but it hurts that people don't understand this. Can anyone relate?

Seek therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Obviously I'm not going to go into details with acquaintances of why I hate being weird (how I think, activities I enjoy, etc.) and how it's caused a lot of loneliness, but it hurts that people don't understand this. Can anyone relate?

Hi OP

In my experience there is a huge range for both weird and normal categories. There are positive and negative forms and expressions for behavior seen as both “weird” and “normal”.

Ideally, Everyone should treat others the way they would like to be treated and not treat others in ways they don’t wish to be treated. The Golden Rule is the closest thing we have to a universal moral code

It is often not followed, and we often hurt each other through enforcing our own counter productive self defense mechanisms (such as fear of social suicide through association) .., but happily Most of us grow emotionally after middle school.

Hopefully you will find your people eventually. Especially as it sounds like you are following your interests

Weird in terms of eccentric and harmless ways of being can be very charming. Weird in terms of severe mental illness/obliviousness to the privacy and comfort of others can be creepy.

Good luck finding friends who validate your way of being in the world and who appreciate your company as a person.
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