Fairly balancing both families

[Anonymous]

It seems people have different standards for themselves and their kids than spouses and in-laws of their kids.

As both partners and their families are important for them and their relationship, why people don't see things fairly?

What can be done by both families to help couples balance it all?

[Anonymous]

I have no interest in “fairness” in this calculation, what a strange question.

[Anonymous]

We don't bother with balance. Our parents are not the same. My mother was not at my wedding. She has never met my children. My husband's parents would give us the shirts off their back and apologize for not giving us more.

[Anonymous]

OP, are you saying that as an IL you are getting more (or less) attention than your DIL/SIL's family? And you think it should be more evenly divided time for each side?

[Anonymous]

One piece of advice: don’t expect your DIL to fix what your son won’t do. Especially if you did a bad job teaching him to manage his share of emotional labor.

[Anonymous]

This post is based on posts like the one in the link below.

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1159953.page

[Anonymous]

*Son blind sided by GF

[Anonymous]

I think you're being really naive. People have a hard time agreeing on what is "fair", and different circumstances necessitate different approaches to each person in the family.

If you're having anxiety that the SON YOU RAISED is going to CHOOSE to move away from you, that's between you and your son and not his girlfriend's fault. She doesn't owe it to you to stay in the area if he doesn't actually want to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It seems people have different standards for themselves and their kids than spouses and in-laws of their kids.

As both partners and their families are important for them and their relationship, why people don't see things fairly?

What can be done by both families to help couples balance it all?

Well no-- it's not necessarily true that the families are important for them and their relationship. Sometimes young couples find it much easier and healthier to have LESS time with the extended family. Or to let the extended family experience the natural consequences of their behavior, whatever it may be.

Reading between the lines here, it seems like you have an adult child who is spending more time with the in-laws than with you, and you think this is unfair, and you want the in-laws to back off. You imagine that this will result in you getting more attention from your adult child. But that's not necessarily going to be the result. I think you need to stop blaming others here-- the bottom line is that if your adult child wanted to spend time with you, they would. How can you change your behavior to improve that relationship?

[Anonymous]

Adults speak to each other. They mention why their feelings are hurt, like once. Not mentioning again and again because they should always stay clear of any emotional manipulation. Making someone feel guilty, as a power move, is a horrible thing. Adults risk Mommy & Daddy being mad, or anyone. Adults get mad, sometimes. Hopefully they remain responsible and express themselves reasonably. Adults adjust their behavior or expectations and the relationship continues. Least amount of drama is always best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It seems people have different standards for themselves and their kids than spouses and in-laws of their kids.

As both partners and their families are important for them and their relationship, why people don't see things fairly?

What can be done by both families to help couples balance it all?

Well no-- it's not necessarily true that the families are important for them and their relationship. Sometimes young couples find it much easier and healthier to have LESS time with the extended family. Or to let the extended family experience the natural consequences of their behavior, whatever it may be.

Reading between the lines here, it seems like you have an adult child who is spending more time with the in-laws than with you, and you think this is unfair, and you want the in-laws to back off. You imagine that this will result in you getting more attention from your adult child. But that's not necessarily going to be the result. I think you need to stop blaming others here-- the bottom line is that if your adult child wanted to spend time with you, they would. How can you change your behavior to improve that relationship?

Mine aren't in that phase yet and I'm hoping to learn how to be fair and respectful of feelings of their future partners and partners's families and make it collaborative not competitive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you're being really naive. People have a hard time agreeing on what is "fair", and different circumstances necessitate different approaches to each person in the family.
to.

Yes but extending basic fairness and kindness to your child's partner helps you and your own child too.

[Anonymous]

What is the saying: When your daughter marries you gain a son. When your son marries you lose a son.

Many sons don't think that much about putting effort into making family things happen. And in this day and age where the women won't do it for them, it can be even worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It seems people have different standards for themselves and their kids than spouses and in-laws of their kids.

As both partners and their families are important for them and their relationship, why people don't see things fairly?

What can be done by both families to help couples balance it all?

Well no-- it's not necessarily true that the families are important for them and their relationship. Sometimes young couples find it much easier and healthier to have LESS time with the extended family. Or to let the extended family experience the natural consequences of their behavior, whatever it may be.

Reading between the lines here, it seems like you have an adult child who is spending more time with the in-laws than with you, and you think this is unfair, and you want the in-laws to back off. You imagine that this will result in you getting more attention from your adult child. But that's not necessarily going to be the result. I think you need to stop blaming others here-- the bottom line is that if your adult child wanted to spend time with you, they would. How can you change your behavior to improve that relationship?

Mine aren't in that phase yet and I'm hoping to learn how to be fair and respectful of feelings of their future partners and partners's families and make it collaborative not competitive.

The best thing you can do is accept their choices even if you don't think it's "fair". You're not actually entitled to 50/50 time. You're going to get what they think makes sense under the circumstances at the time, and that can vary quite a bit from year to year.

Your best bet is to be helpful and low-mainenance, not a needy, entitled, insecure, stressful pain in the butt. And not try to go around their backs to deal with the in-laws.

[Anonymous]

You set the example in how you treat others and how you treat them. We prioritize people who prioritize us.