Fairly balancing both families

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One piece of advice: don’t expect your DIL to fix what your son won’t do. Especially if you did a bad job teaching him to manage his share of emotional labor.

Yes, this. I really like my MIL. I am mostly positive on my SILs (one BIL & FIL are not great, but other BIL is good). Still, I have as much or more responsibility as my husband in all areas (work, home), and I'm "naturally" (or socialized) no better than him at being good at maintaining good family relations. I call my parents and siblings as much as I can manage and do holiday stuff for them (also my dad is a promoter of family relationships and I
appreciate that). I see some of this as an obligation hassle (I do not think buying gifts for adults makes sense but I'm not going to push family norms), but also do enjoy my family when I spend time with them. I don't have the emotional bandwidth to add my husbands family to this. Except my MIL, who is extraordinary, so I do push my husband to do things to make her feel appreciated, and I do make she we appreciate her for holidays. I do believe my DH should take the lead on this, but my MIL is more important than that. The others fall below the line where I can dedicate effort to them, even though I really do like some of them

All those words are to say that unless you are an exceptional in-law, don't expect modern DILs to take on the stuff the son should be doing anyway.

[Anonymous]

What you can do is set aside your expectations and your perspective of “fairness” and respond and follow their lead to the best possible relationship with them. Be kind, flexible, welcoming, warm, respectful and follow their cues.

Starting with expectations of What Should Be and you’re sinking your own ship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is the saying: When your daughter marries you gain a son. When your son marries you lose a son.

Many sons don't think that much about putting effort into making family things happen. And in this day and age where the women won't do it for them, it can be even worse.

Guess you and your spouse should have raised your sons differently, eh? Guess you should have modeled better behavior.

[Anonymous]

People are selfish, 99% of the time. In laws usually have the opposite interests of your own. It’s a balancing act, or maybe a class struggle.

[Anonymous]

Fair is everyone getting what they need. For nearly 3 years my dad was in very poor health. My ILs never complained that we traveled to him for every holiday, always thinking it might be the last. Now he’s gone and I deeply love them for “allowing” me that time with him. Now we celebrate everything with them. Fair doesn’t always mean equal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People are selfish, 99% of the time. In laws usually have the opposite interests of your own. It’s a balancing act, or maybe a class struggle.

Wouldn't both families want what's best for the couple?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is the saying: When your daughter marries you gain a son. When your son marries you lose a son.

Many sons don't think that much about putting effort into making family things happen. And in this day and age where the women won't do it for them, it can be even worse.

No, the saying is:

A son who has been raised to see family as “women’s work”
Will likely grow up to be a careless jerk
And modern women are wise nowadays
And won’t pick up the slack to fix their careless ways

So raise your sons and daughters with greater care
Teach them family work is work to share

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People are selfish, 99% of the time. In laws usually have the opposite interests of your own. It’s a balancing act, or maybe a class struggle.

Wouldn't both families want what's best for the couple?

They won't agree on what that actually is. And no, some people are too selfish for that, or it's too painful for them to acknowledge that their own behavior is inappropriate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is the saying: When your daughter marries you gain a son. When your son marries you lose a son.

Many sons don't think that much about putting effort into making family things happen. And in this day and age where the women won't do it for them, it can be even worse.

No, the saying is:

A son who has been raised to see family as “women’s work”
Will likely grow up to be a careless jerk
And modern women are wise nowadays
And won’t pick up the slack to fix their careless ways

So raise your sons and daughters with greater care
Teach them family work is work to share

Mic drop!

[Anonymous]

It is the mom's job to do all of this but not the dad's. Exhausting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You set the example in how you treat others and how you treat them. We prioritize people who prioritize us.

This is kind of hog wash. You don't really know how things are going to turn out once you let your kids go and there are good parents who end up seeing their kids and the kids' family less.

It's very immature to be so focused on fairness in a relationship like this. It's a red flag.

You try to stay in contact and try to stay in their lives but they decide how much.

[Anonymous]

I guess on a basic level both partners and families being understanding and forgiving.

[Anonymous]

Human being are strange. They want to give everything to their children, and take away everything from their parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is the saying: When your daughter marries you gain a son. When your son marries you lose a son.

Many sons don't think that much about putting effort into making family things happen. And in this day and age where the women won't do it for them, it can be even worse.

No, the saying is:

A son who has been raised to see family as “women’s work”
Will likely grow up to be a careless jerk
And modern women are wise nowadays
And won’t pick up the slack to fix their careless ways

So raise your sons and daughters with greater care
Teach them family work is work to share

A man who earns enough so that "work" can be "outsourced" is never a problem even with their careless ways. Most women (modern, traditional) are salivating to marry high earners and play house. Sometimes, these men are deemed a catch despite having sagging balls and major baggage!

Teach your sons to be self-reliant and make a lot of money. Teach your daughters to be self-reliant, make a lot of money and guard their fertility. They should not be making babies with men who will not be the best dads and partners, and who they have not vetted carefully and exhaustively over several years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You set the example in how you treat others and how you treat them. We prioritize people who prioritize us.

This is kind of hog wash. You don't really know how things are going to turn out once you let your kids go and there are good parents who end up seeing their kids and the kids' family less.

It's very immature to be so focused on fairness in a relationship like this. It's a red flag.

You try to stay in contact and try to stay in their lives but they decide how much.

NP.

Are you the type who expects your adult child to call, and you somehow never call them? The phone rings both ways.

Are you the type who expects your adult child to visit you—no matter work schedules and small kids, but you won’t make the effort to visit?

When you are asked to visit or babysit, are you way too busy—but you expect us to drop everything when you need help?

That’s what PP means.