Son blind sided by GF

[Anonymous]

My son has a GF of three years and they were ready to take the next step. He called me bc the GF now wants to move from DC back to her hometown 6 hours away to be with her family and would like him to come. At the outset of the relationship they had aligned their goals and she agreed she like DC and was going to stay, so this was a surprise to him. We get why she wants to move home, but that is not his home, DC is and he has built relationships and friends and a business network here. Additionally she is tight with her family and when there was some misunderstanding with one of her siblings with him (dumb stuff) the GF immediately aligned with her family which makes him uncomfortable following her back to her hometown, knowing his support system there might be shaky. He loved her and imagined a life with her, just not this one. In addition they have travel plans in the next few months and he is trying to figure out if he should just end the relationship now, or do something that may or may not work for him.
I'm just a Mom, but I see danger ahead if he goes, I had a tight family, not anymore, but his unease with this I feel is well founded. I just let him talk it out but was noncommittal, because I already don't think the GF really likes me for a number of reasons but keep that to myself, if they have a family I would never see my grandchildren and I know it.

[Anonymous]

It's been three years and he's the BF not the fiancee. She has no obligation to align her life with his or take his side against her family and maybe she doesn't want to live near her BF's mom who she obviously doesn't like and who doesn't like her

[Anonymous]

And you are involved in what way? Did your son ask for your help? Butt out.

[Anonymous]

I guess you’re just sharing but he’s a big boy now and responsible for his own decisions. You ought to butt out and not be telling him you see “danger ahead.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And you are involved in what way? Did your son ask for your help? Butt out.

+1 I get you, OP. I'd be worried, too, but I assume he's a grown man. He needs to make the call. But I agree, I think it's a bad idea. He needs to grow a pair.

[Anonymous]

OP here, you are a rough crowd, my DS contacted me to discuss. My involvement is just a spectator and loving mom who does not want to see her son unhappy by someone who misrepresented herself. Just wondered how other couples manage this situation and thought this group would comment on that experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, you are a rough crowd, my DS contacted me to discuss. My involvement is just a spectator and loving mom who does not want to see her son unhappy by someone who misrepresented herself. Just wondered how other couples manage this situation and thought this group would comment on that experience.

There's nothing wrong with being a concerned mom. But the bolded part is not your place to judge. By saying that you already formed an opinion of her (good or bad) which directly or indirectly affect your discussion with your son. Again butt out.

[Anonymous]

She’s allowed to change her mind about what she wants out of life. He’s allowed to decide it’s a dealbreaker. No one is a bad person in this situation, sometimes things happen. It’s hard but you have to let him figure his own life out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, you are a rough crowd, my DS contacted me to discuss. My involvement is just a spectator and loving mom who does not want to see her son unhappy by someone who misrepresented herself. Just wondered how other couples manage this situation and thought this group would comment on that experience.

Describing that she "misrepresented herself" is a bit harsh. She is a young person (not unlike your son) who is trying to figure out her own life. She is entitled to do whatever she feels right just like your son.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, you are a rough crowd, my DS contacted me to discuss. My involvement is just a spectator and loving mom who does not want to see her son unhappy by someone who misrepresented herself. Just wondered how other couples manage this situation and thought this group would comment on that experience.

I don't think this is fair. She changed her mind. It happens. He can either decide it's a dealbreaker or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And you are involved in what way? Did your son ask for your help? Butt out.

Not OP, but this is a weird response. OP clearly indicated that her son was talking to her about it.

There is a difference between trying to control and adult child, and being someone that they come to for advice and to talk things through. I certainly hope my kids do that when they are grown. I know I STILL go to my parents in that capacity and I am approaching 50.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And you are involved in what way? Did your son ask for your help? Butt out.

Not OP, but this is a weird response. OP clearly indicated that her son was talking to her about it.

There is a difference between trying to control and adult child, and being someone that they come to for advice and to talk things through. I certainly hope my kids do that when they are grown. I know I STILL go to my parents in that capacity and I am approaching 50.

The difference, however, is in this case, OP has an opinion about her. Her ability to provide objective non-biased feedback is already compromised.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My son has a GF of three years and they were ready to take the next step. He called me bc the GF now wants to move from DC back to her hometown 6 hours away to be with her family and would like him to come. At the outset of the relationship they had aligned their goals and she agreed she like DC and was going to stay, so this was a surprise to him. We get why she wants to move home, but that is not his home, DC is and he has built relationships and friends and a business network here. Additionally she is tight with her family and when there was some misunderstanding with one of her siblings with him (dumb stuff) the GF immediately aligned with her family which makes him uncomfortable following her back to her hometown, knowing his support system there might be shaky. He loved her and imagined a life with her, just not this one. In addition they have travel plans in the next few months and he is trying to figure out if he should just end the relationship now, or do something that may or may not work for him.
I'm just a Mom, but I see danger ahead if he goes, I had a tight family, not anymore, but his unease with this I feel is well founded. I just let him talk it out but was noncommittal, because I already don't think the GF really likes me for a number of reasons but keep that to myself, if they have a family I would never see my grandchildren and I know it.

MYOB

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And you are involved in what way? Did your son ask for your help? Butt out.

Go away

[Anonymous]

He wants to break up.

Tell him to let her move home and say he will wrap things up here and move in 6 months, then never move.

This is why we date, to figure out if marriage will work so it’s not gonna work out.