Family annoyance - passive aggressive "niceness"

[Anonymous]

If you have a family like this, do you shut down talk like this?

My family has many codependent qualities and a heavy dose of christian "niceness," "goodness," and "don't be a burden-ness."

Sometimes it gets to me.

Example one: my mom wants to hold grand baby. Repeatedly has to inform me to let her know if I need her to take the baby/need her to help etc. She did not ever say ooh can I hold her, pass me the baby, come to grandma. I had to "need" her to take the baby.

Example 2: brother and family stays with us a few times a year. When they do, on at least one of the days, I make a big breakfast. It's a leisurely affair as I make it all the time and have it timed to do it solo, but it's a nice big breakfast. Everyone likes it & looks forward to it, including my kids.

Brother says things like "we've been talking and we don't want you to feel like you have to make us a big breakfast like you routinely do, we are fine with simple."

I know this. Sometimes my work is hectic and I say i won't have time to do a big dinner, you guys good with ordering and they always are.

It's just the sucking the enjoyment out of doing out, and the annoyingness of constantly having to assure them it's fine/I enjoy it/I do it often.

It is like this all the time, "apologizing" and just difficult & indirect communication patterns.

Do you ignore, respond as they want, play the crap game, set a new tone, respond directly, not let it bother you... I think I'm mostly just venting but it bothers me because my whole childhood was resentful people and me constantly having to anticipate my families' needs and them being mad/withholding care if I did not guess correctly.

[Anonymous]

They sound polite. Wth are you whining about?

[Anonymous]

Not a mail bash, because she great. I have a mil that is known as being the nicest person. She is!

So any tension between me and her.. guess what .. I’m being mean because she is obviously always nice.

And any “arguments” (never really out in the open as you say in your OP), are my fault. Because if you’re arguing with her, it must be your fault. Because she’s so nice.

Part of the issue is just not being open and saying what’s on her mind. That’s both why there is tension, and why stuff gets pegged on me. If she would be more forthright, there wouldn’t be misunderstandings. Always it gets back to her intentions are always good (most of us are good people and all of our intentions are good too).

[Anonymous]

Yikes

[Anonymous]

^mil bash

[Anonymous]

The common denominator is you.

Are you coming off as stressed? Do you seem annoyed? Check in and be honest with your own behavior.

#1. Maybe your mom has been reading right here on DCUM that grandparents, when visiting in the early days, should focus on being helpful rather than just on wanting to hold the baby. Is she going a little overboard? Yeah, maybe. But her intention is good: she wants you to hold the baby whenever you want to, and she knows her holding the baby is a secondary priority.

#2. Maybe—whether you can admit it or not—you are one of those stressed-out, huffy, put-upon hostesses. Maybe in your guests’ mind, the production is obviously a stress to you, and they would rather have you relaxed and serving Wegmans muffins than put-upon and serving French toast.

Reflect. Again: the common denominator is you.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I get it that people that don't have families like this likely won't understand. I'm asking people who do. People who do will get what it's like.

[Anonymous]

This is a you problem.

[Anonymous]

Are they mid-western?

[Anonymous]

I think I’m your family, OP. I honestly don’t want to put anyone out. I DO enjoy the big breakfast if the host makes it, but I also feel guilty that she went to all of that effort for me and my family. I can absolutely see why it’s annoying to you for me/your guests to assure you that you don’t need to cook when it just feels like a dance or a charade to you, but it’s entirely possible they mean what they are saying! It’s not a dance.

[Anonymous]

I think in example #2 what they really mean is they don’t want a big breakfast. I know quite a few people who don’t care to eat a big heavy breakfast.

[Anonymous]

I’m PP. I would NEVER say, “hand me that baby” or “come to grandma.” (I’m not a grandma but something similar.) That makes me cringe. Yes, I want to hold the baby but only if the new mom wants me to and even more so if I’m helping her.

I think these things are annoying you because you assume there’s some fakeness and subterfuge going on, but it sounds to me like you and your family are just wired differently. They are saying what’s true for them.

[Anonymous]

My SIL is like this. We were all together at the ILs and I was getting my kid some grapes for breakfast. My niece asked for some. It took 60 seconds to wash and drain some for her.

HOURS later my SIL says "I heard Larla talked you into getting her some grapes for breakfast. I was asleep. She knows better than to wake me up and ask me for anything, but you're too nice. I would never let her get away with that! She's old enough to do that herself."

I was like "...you're welcome?" Larla was six, and honestly, if a grown person was standing there and said "Yum, grapes!" I would have offered to wash some for them. Basic manners.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The common denominator is you.

Are you coming off as stressed? Do you seem annoyed? Check in and be honest with your own behavior.

#1. Maybe your mom has been reading right here on DCUM that grandparents, when visiting in the early days, should focus on being helpful rather than just on wanting to hold the baby. Is she going a little overboard? Yeah, maybe. But her intention is good: she wants you to hold the baby whenever you want to, and she knows her holding the baby is a secondary priority.

#2. Maybe—whether you can admit it or not—you are one of those stressed-out, huffy, put-upon hostesses. Maybe in your guests’ mind, the production is obviously a stress to you, and they would rather have you relaxed and serving Wegmans muffins than put-upon and serving French toast.

Reflect. Again: the common denominator is you.

In #2 above, OP’s brother says “we don’t want you to feel like you have to…” Thra is pretty much the definition of passive aggressive. It may be a back-handed attempt to be polite, but it’s not. It’s poor manners to be passive aggressive. If you don’t want a big breakfast, say it politely, “we prefer not to eat a large breakfast.” If you think OP seems stressed and huffy, say it, “making the big breakfast seems to stress you out.”

OP, I get it. I also would be annoyed in your shoes if my family couldn’t simply state what they were saying without using a passive voice. And if I told them they were being passive, they wouldn’t get it at all. So… no advice, but I do understand your frustration.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The common denominator is you.

Are you coming off as stressed? Do you seem annoyed? Check in and be honest with your own behavior.

#1. Maybe your mom has been reading right here on DCUM that grandparents, when visiting in the early days, should focus on being helpful rather than just on wanting to hold the baby. Is she going a little overboard? Yeah, maybe. But her intention is good: she wants you to hold the baby whenever you want to, and she knows her holding the baby is a secondary priority.

#2. Maybe—whether you can admit it or not—you are one of those stressed-out, huffy, put-upon hostesses. Maybe in your guests’ mind, the production is obviously a stress to you, and they would rather have you relaxed and serving Wegmans muffins than put-upon and serving French toast.

Reflect. Again: the common denominator is you.

In #2 above, OP’s brother says “we don’t want you to feel like you have to…” Thra is pretty much the definition of passive aggressive. It may be a back-handed attempt to be polite, but it’s not. It’s poor manners to be passive aggressive. If you don’t want a big breakfast, say it politely, “we prefer not to eat a large breakfast.” If you think OP seems stressed and huffy, say it, “making the big breakfast seems to stress you out.”

OP, I get it. I also would be annoyed in your shoes if my family couldn’t simply state what they were saying without using a passive voice. And if I told them they were being passive, they wouldn’t get it at all. So… no advice, but I do understand your frustration.

No, that is not the definition of passive aggressive! There is nothing aggressive about it.