Resource for Aging Men on Adulting

[Anonymous]

My dad (pushing 80, but in decent health) is likely going to become the primary caregiver for my mom. She is likely going to have some physics disability, but mentally she is all with it.

She has been the one that really took care of everything the last forty years. I always knew this, but as I seen the last couple medical episodes play out, I am really wondering why she stayed with him. He is a very lovely dad, but I see him as close to useless as a partner. She is providing him emotional and logistical support from her hospital bed. It is ridiculous.

Anyways, I am looking for something, not sure what, that will give him the fire to learn some new life skills (managing his anxiety, boiling a pot of water for pasta, taking a computer class). Are there classes for “you never had to do anything in your life, learn some basic life skills”?

[Anonymous]

Contat your local council on aging or wahtever it's called. They have great classes and people to guide on this.

[Anonymous]

Do you know for sure she doesn't want to do this anymore? I ask because being able to maintain relationship and responsibility norms is sometimes what ill/recovering people want. It gives them a sense of normalcy, purpose, and inclusion.

However, if she's going beyond her capabilities at this time, then I agree with PP that finding help for you dad makes sense. Local senior centers often have these resources and some hospitals/health centers have social workers who can be a good resource.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you know for sure she doesn't want to do this anymore? I ask because being able to maintain relationship and responsibility norms is sometimes what ill/recovering people want. It gives them a sense of normalcy, purpose, and inclusion.

However, if she's going beyond her capabilities at this time, then I agree with PP that finding help for you dad makes sense. Local senior centers often have these resources and some hospitals/health centers have social workers who can be a good resource.

She has severe mobility issues and just can’t do all the things. I certainly hope we can get her back to close to 100%, but I also think it is unrealistic.

She is going to need more help than what he is use to providing and he has already proven to be unreliable emotionally (literally screaming at her before a specialist appointment when she needed help getting dressed - this is 100% a result of him not ever having the caregiver role, being overwhelmed and having ZERO coping skills).

She takes it a bit more in stride than I do. I want her to focus on getting better, not managing his anxiety and needs. Being close to 40, I have cannot relate to his absolute lack of interest in learning new things (and this isn’t just because he is old, he never sought out learning basic skills).

I am going to look into our local centers. Even if I can get someone else to talk to him (maybe mention his anxiety to the doctor or get him to carry a notebook to write his questions for her rather than blowing up everyone’s phones).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you know for sure she doesn't want to do this anymore? I ask because being able to maintain relationship and responsibility norms is sometimes what ill/recovering people want. It gives them a sense of normalcy, purpose, and inclusion.

However, if she's going beyond her capabilities at this time, then I agree with PP that finding help for you dad makes sense. Local senior centers often have these resources and some hospitals/health centers have social workers who can be a good resource.

Come on, PP. Surely you get it. OP's mother cannot provide explicit instructions on every practical aspect of their lives if she's physically disabled. It's difficult. A lot of teaching involves live demonstration, and she cannot do that. The next best thing is watching a Youtube video, but for someone who has such profound executive dysfunction, he would need to be prodded to the exact one, and then bumble about in the kitchen wondering which pot to use because it doesn't look like the one in the video. Your father probably has inattentive ADHD and may be borderline Asperger's, there are lots of those in family with a similar life profile who can't seem to get their act together.

If you have free time (ha!), you might want to go there, show him how to use the washer and dryer, how to cook basic things, how to pay bills, etc. This is what I did for my teen son before he went off to college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you know for sure she doesn't want to do this anymore? I ask because being able to maintain relationship and responsibility norms is sometimes what ill/recovering people want. It gives them a sense of normalcy, purpose, and inclusion.

However, if she's going beyond her capabilities at this time, then I agree with PP that finding help for you dad makes sense. Local senior centers often have these resources and some hospitals/health centers have social workers who can be a good resource.

She has severe mobility issues and just can’t do all the things. I certainly hope we can get her back to close to 100%, but I also think it is unrealistic.

She is going to need more help than what he is use to providing and he has already proven to be unreliable emotionally (literally screaming at her before a specialist appointment when she needed help getting dressed - this is 100% a result of him not ever having the caregiver role, being overwhelmed and having ZERO coping skills).

She takes it a bit more in stride than I do. I want her to focus on getting better, not managing his anxiety and needs. Being close to 40, I have cannot relate to his absolute lack of interest in learning new things (and this isn’t just because he is old, he never sought out learning basic skills).

I am going to look into our local centers. Even if I can get someone else to talk to him (maybe mention his anxiety to the doctor or get him to carry a notebook to write his questions for her rather than blowing up everyone’s phones).

This is a typical autistic profile, OP. Just FYI. It's going to be hard for him to adjust. I would hire a caregiver for your mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you know for sure she doesn't want to do this anymore? I ask because being able to maintain relationship and responsibility norms is sometimes what ill/recovering people want. It gives them a sense of normalcy, purpose, and inclusion.

However, if she's going beyond her capabilities at this time, then I agree with PP that finding help for you dad makes sense. Local senior centers often have these resources and some hospitals/health centers have social workers who can be a good resource.

Come on, PP. Surely you get it. OP's mother cannot provide explicit instructions on every practical aspect of their lives if she's physically disabled. It's difficult. A lot of teaching involves live demonstration, and she cannot do that. The next best thing is watching a Youtube video, but for someone who has such profound executive dysfunction, he would need to be prodded to the exact one, and then bumble about in the kitchen wondering which pot to use because it doesn't look like the one in the video. Your father probably has inattentive ADHD and may be borderline Asperger's, there are lots of those in family with a similar life profile who can't seem to get their act together.

If you have free time (ha!), you might want to go there, show him how to use the washer and dryer, how to cook basic things, how to pay bills, etc. This is what I did for my teen son before he went off to college.

He definitely has ADHD. I moved back to our home state briefly during Covid. I really started to notice how much I was struggling in my personal life (I am pretty successful professionally). Once I realized it was possible I might have ADHD, I started to pay attention to the two of them, the difference is night and day. He totally doesn’t think it is a real thing, but I have had thorough neuropsych eval and spoken to multiple therapist who agree that it is the proper diagnosis. Stimulates are amazing for reducing my anxiety.


I do have some sympathy and empathy for him, but he just does not seem willing to really better himself. I realize he is older now, but it isn’t like he hasn’t had decades before now.

A month ago, I was going to show him how to make pasta and some basics. He was too tired and I didn’t get there in time. He literally screamed at me because I was frustrated that he was “tired” and it was my fault for not showing up earlier…mind you, I spent the first half of my day at doctor appointments with them because they stress him out, he doesn’t take notes, etc….then worked at my VP level job and then came over to shop and cook for them.

I am just complaining now, but it is really frustrating not to have someone that is attempting to help (he thinks he is because he drives to the doctors and he will call every five minutes on something he deems important but isn’t).

Would the social worker at the facility she is at have resources for partners who don’t know what they are doing? That might be the easiest way to someone else to make recommendations to him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you know for sure she doesn't want to do this anymore? I ask because being able to maintain relationship and responsibility norms is sometimes what ill/recovering people want. It gives them a sense of normalcy, purpose, and inclusion.

However, if she's going beyond her capabilities at this time, then I agree with PP that finding help for you dad makes sense. Local senior centers often have these resources and some hospitals/health centers have social workers who can be a good resource.

Come on, PP. Surely you get it. OP's mother cannot provide explicit instructions on every practical aspect of their lives if she's physically disabled. It's difficult. A lot of teaching involves live demonstration, and she cannot do that. The next best thing is watching a Youtube video, but for someone who has such profound executive dysfunction, he would need to be prodded to the exact one, and then bumble about in the kitchen wondering which pot to use because it doesn't look like the one in the video. Your father probably has inattentive ADHD and may be borderline Asperger's, there are lots of those in family with a similar life profile who can't seem to get their act together.

If you have free time (ha!), you might want to go there, show him how to use the washer and dryer, how to cook basic things, how to pay bills, etc. This is what I did for my teen son before he went off to college.

He definitely has ADHD. I moved back to our home state briefly during Covid. I really started to notice how much I was struggling in my personal life (I am pretty successful professionally). Once I realized it was possible I might have ADHD, I started to pay attention to the two of them, the difference is night and day. He totally doesn’t think it is a real thing, but I have had thorough neuropsych eval and spoken to multiple therapist who agree that it is the proper diagnosis. Stimulates are amazing for reducing my anxiety.


I do have some sympathy and empathy for him, but he just does not seem willing to really better himself. I realize he is older now, but it isn’t like he hasn’t had decades before now.

A month ago, I was going to show him how to make pasta and some basics. He was too tired and I didn’t get there in time. He literally screamed at me because I was frustrated that he was “tired” and it was my fault for not showing up earlier…mind you, I spent the first half of my day at doctor appointments with them because they stress him out, he doesn’t take notes, etc….then worked at my VP level job and then came over to shop and cook for them.

I am just complaining now, but it is really frustrating not to have someone that is attempting to help (he thinks he is because he drives to the doctors and he will call every five minutes on something he deems important but isn’t).

Would the social worker at the facility she is at have resources for partners who don’t know what they are doing? That might be the easiest way to someone else to make recommendations to him.

Yeah... you seem overly fixated on finding a hospital-associated resource, and you can certainly try that, but I don't think it's going to work with that sort of ADHD/ASD profile. It's a very common one. Older people will of course refuse to acknowledge it or medicate their ADHD. There might also be cognitive decline on top of that profile, given his age.

I'll be frank with you. That type of man will barely look after themselves once their support system is gone. They cannot look after someone else (or very badly).

You can try all the resources you want, but at the end of the day, I hope you or your mother can afford a caregiver who will look after your her (and your father, since he's in the same house). If she passes before him, feel free to let him stew after that, but until then, your mother has given a lot of herself all her life to her family and she deserves someone who is going to feed and bathe her without yelling at her.

[Anonymous]

It may be more realistic to hire a HHA if she is limited physically and he is limited by anxiety and lack of life skills. At 80 is not the common time to learn them and you mention his lack of interest and motivation.

I'd also look into things like cleaners, meal delivery and perhaps if they are members of a congregation, visits from clergy or pastoral care volunteers for socialization.

His agitation may be an early symptom of cognitive decline, I would not build the house of cards on his abilities, OP.

Best to all of you. These things are hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you know for sure she doesn't want to do this anymore? I ask because being able to maintain relationship and responsibility norms is sometimes what ill/recovering people want. It gives them a sense of normalcy, purpose, and inclusion.

However, if she's going beyond her capabilities at this time, then I agree with PP that finding help for you dad makes sense. Local senior centers often have these resources and some hospitals/health centers have social workers who can be a good resource.

She has severe mobility issues and just can’t do all the things. I certainly hope we can get her back to close to 100%, but I also think it is unrealistic.

She is going to need more help than what he is use to providing and he has already proven to be unreliable emotionally (literally screaming at her before a specialist appointment when she needed help getting dressed - this is 100% a result of him not ever having the caregiver role, being overwhelmed and having ZERO coping skills).

She takes it a bit more in stride than I do. I want her to focus on getting better, not managing his anxiety and needs. Being close to 40, I have cannot relate to his absolute lack of interest in learning new things (and this isn’t just because he is old, he never sought out learning basic skills).

I am going to look into our local centers. Even if I can get someone else to talk to him (maybe mention his anxiety to the doctor or get him to carry a notebook to write his questions for her rather than blowing up everyone’s phones).

This is a typical autistic profile, OP. Just FYI. It's going to be hard for him to adjust. I would hire a caregiver for your mother.

I have thought about this. I really need to think through how to approach it. At a minimum, someone who can help clean and cook. I am also dealing with my grandma who lives with them and her feelings about someone cleaning behind her (she is really at the age where she misses a lot, but it is what she does with her time).

I always knew the logistics would
be hard if something happened to my mom, but I really did not think about the lack of resilience/urgency/forward thinking of my dad and sibling.

[Anonymous]

My family has had a good experience with Visiting Angels if there is a franchise where they live. I would not expect your dad to take over and run the household. He may be having some cognitive decline too. If they are in DC, the Office on Aging has a lot of resources, it was a focus of Barry's for people to age in place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My family has had a good experience with Visiting Angels if there is a franchise where they live. I would not expect your dad to take over and run the household. He may be having some cognitive decline too. If they are in DC, the Office on Aging has a lot of resources, it was a focus of Barry's for people to age in place.

I logically know it is unrealistic for him to do more than what he is doing (maybe aside from getting medicated for his anxiety). I am growing very resentful of his lack of curiosity over decades (my mom has some blame in this, too).

Really glad I started up therapy again a few months ago…haha.

Appreciate everyone’s comments and suggestions for next steps.

[Anonymous]

A HHA can help with cooking, cleaning and help with dressing and bathing, can also drive as your dad may not be able to do so indefinitely.

My mom lives in a 55+ so I asked around re: HHA companies and where she is the VA got good reviews and we've had a pretty good experience. You could ask around in their area. It's unrealistic to think your dad is going to become a different person at 80, he needs a caretaker too now that your mom can't.

Another option is to move to assisted living although it sounds like they would need a HHA brought in there, too. They provide pretty minimal assistance, despite the name. My mom was resistant to help but wanted to stay in her home so we got her to "try" the HHA approach.

Honestly, your dad is not going to be able to drive indefinitely at his age and with attention issues. So have hired help in or relocate them to a facility where the doctors visit or where transportation can be paid for.

Going on as before with the idea that your dad is going to morph into a different human being is not practical.

Glad your mom seems to be on the mend, OP. PT these days seems to do wonders.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My family has had a good experience with Visiting Angels if there is a franchise where they live. I would not expect your dad to take over and run the household. He may be having some cognitive decline too. If they are in DC, the Office on Aging has a lot of resources, it was a focus of Barry's for people to age in place.

I logically know it is unrealistic for him to do more than what he is doing (maybe aside from getting medicated for his anxiety). I am growing very resentful of his lack of curiosity over decades (my mom has some blame in this, too).

Really glad I started up therapy again a few months ago…haha.

Appreciate everyone’s comments and suggestions for next steps.

I'd interview a few HHA companies, OP. And defo work on letting resentment go, it serves no purpose, we can only control ourselves, unfortunately. My mom also is super anxious and it can be very hard to deal with, I hear you. Do they have long term care insurance? It is the thing that covers a lot of out of facility expenses. My mom is much more likely to accept help from non-family members. The HHA provides a written weekly update or call and they are trained to notice changes in cognition, etc, so it's peace of mind. Your dad needs a caretaker too, he can't become one with his age and neurological differences. I'd be careful about him driving if he is inattentive and gets easily overwhelmed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you know for sure she doesn't want to do this anymore? I ask because being able to maintain relationship and responsibility norms is sometimes what ill/recovering people want. It gives them a sense of normalcy, purpose, and inclusion.

However, if she's going beyond her capabilities at this time, then I agree with PP that finding help for you dad makes sense. Local senior centers often have these resources and some hospitals/health centers have social workers who can be a good resource.

Come on, PP. Surely you get it. OP's mother cannot provide explicit instructions on every practical aspect of their lives if she's physically disabled. It's difficult. A lot of teaching involves live demonstration, and she cannot do that. The next best thing is watching a Youtube video, but for someone who has such profound executive dysfunction, he would need to be prodded to the exact one, and then bumble about in the kitchen wondering which pot to use because it doesn't look like the one in the video. Your father probably has inattentive ADHD and may be borderline Asperger's, there are lots of those in family with a similar life profile who can't seem to get their act together.

If you have free time (ha!), you might want to go there, show him how to use the washer and dryer, how to cook basic things, how to pay bills, etc. This is what I did for my teen son before he went off to college.

He definitely has ADHD. I moved back to our home state briefly during Covid. I really started to notice how much I was struggling in my personal life (I am pretty successful professionally). Once I realized it was possible I might have ADHD, I started to pay attention to the two of them, the difference is night and day. He totally doesn’t think it is a real thing, but I have had thorough neuropsych eval and spoken to multiple therapist who agree that it is the proper diagnosis. Stimulates are amazing for reducing my anxiety.


I do have some sympathy and empathy for him, but he just does not seem willing to really better himself. I realize he is older now, but it isn’t like he hasn’t had decades before now.

A month ago, I was going to show him how to make pasta and some basics. He was too tired and I didn’t get there in time. He literally screamed at me because I was frustrated that he was “tired” and it was my fault for not showing up earlier…mind you, I spent the first half of my day at doctor appointments with them because they stress him out, he doesn’t take notes, etc….then worked at my VP level job and then came over to shop and cook for them.

I am just complaining now, but it is really frustrating not to have someone that is attempting to help (he thinks he is because he drives to the doctors and he will call every five minutes on something he deems important but isn’t).

Would the social worker at the facility she is at have resources for partners who don’t know what they are doing? That might be the easiest way to someone else to make recommendations to him.

OP, your dad AND your mom need either in home help or to move into assisted living. I'd find one that allows a HHA to come in unless your mom needs to be in a skilled nursing facility.

Your dad's behavior is super typical of older folks, he's not going to change and may need a neurological evaluation himself. You need to come to terms with that.

A caregiver support group might be helpful, I think locally Inova has them, there were others mentioned in this forum that were online. You need to let go of the emotions and be super practical. Even if your dad became Mary Poppins tomorrow, he's 80 himself and it would not last. If I may, I think you know it all needs to change on some level and instead of processing those feelings about their aging, may be instead focused on your dad? I mean, would you hire a HHA who was 80, highly anxious and who had inattentive ADD and a tendency to become overwhelmed to run the house and drive?

It's hard. Generating options helped me manage my own anxiety around the transition. It was inevitable but that does not make it easier.