Resource for Aging Men on Adulting

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you know for sure she doesn't want to do this anymore? I ask because being able to maintain relationship and responsibility norms is sometimes what ill/recovering people want. It gives them a sense of normalcy, purpose, and inclusion.

However, if she's going beyond her capabilities at this time, then I agree with PP that finding help for you dad makes sense. Local senior centers often have these resources and some hospitals/health centers have social workers who can be a good resource.

Come on, PP. Surely you get it. OP's mother cannot provide explicit instructions on every practical aspect of their lives if she's physically disabled. It's difficult. A lot of teaching involves live demonstration, and she cannot do that. The next best thing is watching a Youtube video, but for someone who has such profound executive dysfunction, he would need to be prodded to the exact one, and then bumble about in the kitchen wondering which pot to use because it doesn't look like the one in the video. Your father probably has inattentive ADHD and may be borderline Asperger's, there are lots of those in family with a similar life profile who can't seem to get their act together.

If you have free time (ha!), you might want to go there, show him how to use the washer and dryer, how to cook basic things, how to pay bills, etc. This is what I did for my teen son before he went off to college.

He definitely has ADHD. I moved back to our home state briefly during Covid. I really started to notice how much I was struggling in my personal life (I am pretty successful professionally). Once I realized it was possible I might have ADHD, I started to pay attention to the two of them, the difference is night and day. He totally doesn’t think it is a real thing, but I have had thorough neuropsych eval and spoken to multiple therapist who agree that it is the proper diagnosis. Stimulates are amazing for reducing my anxiety.


I do have some sympathy and empathy for him, but he just does not seem willing to really better himself. I realize he is older now, but it isn’t like he hasn’t had decades before now.

A month ago, I was going to show him how to make pasta and some basics. He was too tired and I didn’t get there in time. He literally screamed at me because I was frustrated that he was “tired” and it was my fault for not showing up earlier…mind you, I spent the first half of my day at doctor appointments with them because they stress him out, he doesn’t take notes, etc….then worked at my VP level job and then came over to shop and cook for them.

I am just complaining now, but it is really frustrating not to have someone that is attempting to help (he thinks he is because he drives to the doctors and he will call every five minutes on something he deems important but isn’t).

Would the social worker at the facility she is at have resources for partners who don’t know what they are doing? That might be the easiest way to someone else to make recommendations to him.

They may want a care plan in place to release her.

Your father does not sound like a candidate for primary caregiver and driver (at least not long term) given his own age and neurological issues.

Has there been a discussion prior to this about them aging in place or moving to an assisted living?

[Anonymous]

To confirm, you are an only child, OP? And you now live nearby?

Their care and running their household falls to you, you bring in paid help or you relocate them to a place that provides paid help or allows you to bring it in. No one talking at your dad is going to change the above.

Since you and your dad don't seem to get on all that well and your find him triggering, you may want to avoid the first option.

In assisted living they would still live in their own space, like an apartment, unless your mom's mobility means she will need skilled nursing? Can their current house even be retrofit re: her mobility issues? An assisted living will be handicapped accessible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To confirm, you are an only child, OP? And you now live nearby?

Their care and running their household falls to you, you bring in paid help or you relocate them to a place that provides paid help or allows you to bring it in. No one talking at your dad is going to change the above.

Since you and your dad don't seem to get on all that well and your find him triggering, you may want to avoid the first option.

In assisted living they would still live in their own space, like an apartment, unless your mom's mobility means she will need skilled nursing? Can their current house even be retrofit re: her mobility issues? An assisted living will be handicapped accessible.

No, I don’t live near them full time. I am based in DC and have a second home near them. But, my career is in DC. A career I could not get in my home state and I will need my DC pay to help them. I also have a decent amount of flexibility given my seniority.

I do have a sibling that has proved close to useless. Literally, didn’t care to point out (or maybe even notice) that my mom had lost a significant amount of weight. She had stopped eating in the couple months I had seen her. Sibling lives 20 minutes away.

I actually have a very good relationship with my dad up until this point. I wouldn’t say it is bad right now, but it is overwhelming being the only “adult” between three elderly adults (my 90+ yo grandma lives with them) and one sibling.

We are not at the point yet where they will accept moving to a different location, but I have started to look into high level. They absolute will not move into a SNF for a number of different reason (including personal experience with other family members).

[Anonymous]

When my grandmother became ill we had to hire caregivers for her and replacement wives for my grandfather. He was pretty together mentally and physically but just couldn’t take care of himself or the house.

It’s easy to just be appalled by the helplessness but by the time they’re that age, you’re not changing anything. The inevitable decline has set in around the existing patterns and it’s not worth trying to fight it.

[Anonymous]

He needs to microwave, and done. If he has never cooked, you are expecting too much. Did you talk about their finances? Ideally, they need a facility where their needs can be met and they can socialize

With my parents 80's-mid 90's, one did the moving and one did the thinking.

[Anonymous]

You need to meet him where he is. For example, Stouffer's frozen dinners might be the best option because it is unlikely he is going to learn to cook. Unfortunately, their current status isn't going to drastically improve. If either one of them declines further, more assistance will be needed..