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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I fostered a 10 year old and it was HARD. But I had not parented before. You are in a very different situation. I think it is definitely worth considering, but know that 
a) the chances of mental illness, addiction, etc. are HIGH because of genetics and trauma.
b) the kid is likely not to see you as a parent--don't expect them to call you mom and dad or be grateful to you. If you can be ok with that and take on a role more akin to a caring aunt/uncle/boarding school dorm monitor that may work better for kids who aren't ready to attach to another parent and may never be.
c) have therapists lined up for yourself and other kids in the household, and ideally someone who can prescribe meds. Most people I know who adopt from foster care end up needing this and the worst time to seek mental health care is when you are already depressed or anxious or traumatized. 
d) maintaining birth order is generally recommended, so a kid younger than your youngest.
e) depending on your background, you may face major cultural barriers. I was the same race as the kid I fostered but there were a lot of class and urban/rural differences. Making sure your kid has a lot of "mirrors" (doctors, therapists, teachers, classmates, hair stylists, people involved in extracurriculars) is really crucial if you can't provide that in your house. And know that it's hard for a kid to stand out when you go out as a family!

It is not going to be easy, but someone needs to do it and you seem like you could be a good fit. If you wanted to get your feet wet, DCFYI has some ways to do that. Or you could contact your local child welfare agency and ask about the process to do respite care.

Another option could be to volunteer with kids /young adults who are not necessarily in foster care, but share similar issues (or you may be able to mentor in a way that helps keep kids out of foster care). Sasha Bruce Youthworks, DC127 (note you don't have to be Christian), and Generation Hope are all good options.

Good luck and it's great that you are considering this![/quote]

Op here.  The so much for this reply.  I'm typing on my phone so this will be short but we're a nurse/doctor couple and have always practiced in inner-city settings so have a fair amount of exposure to trauma, addiction, etc through work.

We have a stable family, income, house.  Very well connected to our neighborhood, schools, church.  we seem to complement each other well as parents.  if we adopted a kid who is now 11 (2 years younger than our youngest) we would have been  37 and 40 at his/her birth.  So this fits well into a natural trajectory of our lives. [/quote]

DP and following up on all that the PP said - which is all true - OP you are approaching adoption as a do gooder and you will be severely disappointed. Living day in and day out with a child with trauma is exhausting and far surpasses anything you have done so far. It will strange your marriage seriously and your relationship with your kids will change and not in a good way.

You will not be the parent right away and it will take many years. You won’t be able to use the same parenting techniques that you used with your own biological children who grew up in your secure loving home and formed an attachment with you.  [/quote]

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