Child who directs anger at parent

[Anonymous]

How do you deal with it? ADHD child turns everything that goes wrong into something that is my fault. They miss an assignment at school somehow it's my fault. A friend does something not nice. It's my fault. Don't have that favorite shirt washed? It's my fault. This is a teen by the way so they are supposed to do their own laundry and I support them in their studies but I am not in the classroom and when an assignment suddenly appears as a 0 in the grade book I usually know nothing about it except that it's a 0.

[Anonymous]

You are a safe person.

[Anonymous]

Yes ours does. It’s typical for adhd and rejection sensitivity dysphoria as well as anxiety and intolerance for accountability and a good dollop of self loathing born of a lot of negative feedback.

All this makes me sound like a know it all but I don’t handle it well at all, despite understanding it’s origins

[Anonymous]

I have that child. Therapist told us the same thing in front of him about it being a safe place. Feels like it gave him the license to be completely disrespectful and plain mean. Every evening is a nightmare. Relatives tell us to let him be at home, since he keeps it together all day long. Well, he loves school and is doing well. In fact got the nicest note from school yesterday. However, last night was horrible - again.

[Anonymous]

TBH, this kind of behavior was an indication that my ADHD kid needed another med that addressed mood issues. Getting that really helped.

I also learned to stop reacting emotionally in kind. And, I would quietly but firmly draw the line about behavior - “hey, I know you’re upset, but it’s not OK to yell at me (or fill in the blank…. call me names, slam doors, etc.), I don’t do that to you.”

Sometimes I think the anger is part of an unconscious “best defense is a good offense” pattern. In other words, they feel like that forgotten homework is going to make you angry or frustrated and get them in trouble or have a punitive consequence. Things got better when I stopped getting frustrated and punishing and instead switched to reflective problem-solving. What caused the 0, what can kid do to improve having the clothes they want, etc. Maybe setting out clothes for next day is the answer and, with agreement, parent can prompt that until it’s a habit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are a safe person.

Yep. This doesn't mean the behavior is ok though.

[Anonymous]

Yep, I'm in this hell as well.

[Anonymous]

I'm here too.

I agree with PP who said stop reacting to the anger, stop engaging in it. But at the same time don't ignore it.

Your reaction will model how to handle conflict, remember that.

Is be calm, validating, but have boundaries. No raised voices, no storming off, no blaming or deflecting.

Just hear them out. If they are being verbally abusive or screaming, tell them you love them and support them but you will not be in the same room with someone who is yelling or being abusive and will continue the conversation with them when they are calm. And then leave the room.

Many times I find my ADHD kid is erupting/blowing off steam esp., after school, and the less I engage with it the faster it is over.

Whatever you do do not get in a yelling match, or try to make them take responsibility in the moment. There will be a time for that kind of discussion later when they have calmed down and got their central nervous system back on line.

Have you heard of the CALM technique?

https://www.cbc.ca/stevenandchris/m_life/the-calm-technique

[Anonymous]

Coming on to say I’m here too. Some days really suck and I hate walking on eggshells…

PP, curious what the mood medication is…..mine is on Adderall for ADHD and it helps but sometimes I wonder if she needs something else to help with mood. Could just be her age too.

[Anonymous]

My kid is like this but much younger (early elementary) so I'm reading this thread with interest because it is something I'm hoping gets better with time but I see it's not uncommon for parents of tweens/teens too. ADHD kid who definitely has rejection sensitivity.

Sometimes I struggle with the line between modeling what it means to take responsibility for your own behavior for her, and not getting blamed for every single negative thing that happens. Like I'll apologize to her for serving a late dinner one night, knowing that being hangry is a major trigger for her to get dysregulated. But then on another night we'll eat dinner at a normal time and she'll blame me for her bad mood anyway, saying it's because I screwed up and served dinner too late. It's really frustrating.

I feel like I do okay staying calm and both empathizing with the underlying feeling ("I hear that you are hungry and that's uncomfortable") but also not accepting responsibility for every single thing ("yelling at me or being rude to me isn't an acceptable way to handle being hungry -- maybe next time just ask for a pre-dinner snack if the wait feels too long"). It's so exhausting always having to walk these tight ropes.

Not trying to hijack, but definitely interested to hear if anyone has tips for dealing with this because the idea of this going on for another decade or more sounds like a lot.

[Anonymous]

In order to change a behavior, you have to recognize it. When the child is not upset, sit with them and try to get them to reflect on what happened, how they felt when they shifted blame to you, and how it likely made you feel. Then, brainstorm a strategy for them to use to cope when the same kind of thing happens again.

The idea is to get to the point where, when the child is ramping up, you can say that this looks like one of those times when you’re getting overwhelmed with feelings and are trying to discharge them onto me, when I have nothing to do with the situation. What can you do instead?

This takes a lot of repetition concerning discussing what happened, until they can begin to recognize what they are doing. It’s important that you try to remain calm during these discussions and explain that this is just what their brain defaults to in order to cope, but this can be fixed with time and effort.

Be sure to praise any efforts to stop this behavior, and comment positively if you see them take responsibility without shifting blame, no matter how minor the issue.

And don’t engage in arguments or explanations while the child is heightened. You leave the room or send them to their room.

I know it’s hard. They don’t want to be like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:TBH, this kind of behavior was an indication that my ADHD kid needed another med that addressed mood issues. Getting that really helped.

I also learned to stop reacting emotionally in kind. And, I would quietly but firmly draw the line about behavior - “hey, I know you’re upset, but it’s not OK to yell at me (or fill in the blank…. call me names, slam doors, etc.), I don’t do that to you.”

Sometimes I think the anger is part of an unconscious “best defense is a good offense” pattern. In other words, they feel like that forgotten homework is going to make you angry or frustrated and get them in trouble or have a punitive consequence. Things got better when I stopped getting frustrated and punishing and instead switched to reflective problem-solving. What caused the 0, what can kid do to improve having the clothes they want, etc. Maybe setting out clothes for next day is the answer and, with agreement, parent can prompt that until it’s a habit.

My child has a different diagnosis, but he needs a mood stabilizer. Without one, he can't function at home at all.

Family therapy was a game changer for us too, in combination with finally getting the right meds.

[Anonymous]

New poster: Which type of meds seemed to help this?

[Anonymous]

My kid still does this but not as frequently. For us, we introduced him to the the "kick the dog" concept. He couldn't understand why we would ever think he would kick the dog when he got home since it wasn't the dogs fault. Ummm....yeah....that's what's we're trying to teach you

Once he understood that yelling and screaming at me was the same as blaming the dog, he got it.

[Anonymous]

it may be shame based? ADHD is hard. You mostly feel like a disappointment and if one area is great the others are crap. There is also Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria. Plus family dynamics, through over explaining, may also have lent itself to your kid always needing to have someone who is to blame because blame was an important part of your discipline tactics or even at school. A lot of discipline and teaching is blame-and-shame-based not problem-solving based. Even trying to teach consequences can manifest as shame for those with RSD. You did this so the result is X. Instead of the problem is X and the solution is Y.
I like the kicking the dog story above but the biggest thing is to move towards problem solving reactions. Also, learning good habits. So for example, people with ADHD/ADD have to constantly repeat "dont put it down, put it back" because things can be left out/forgotten/lost. For most people, knocking a glass over that was left on the countertop would be like oh silly me. For those with ADD/ADHD, especially when theyve been seen as the "spacey" "clumsy" "forgetful" one for so long it is just an extra shame stamp. It is so much bigger than a broken glass or spilt milk. It is tangible evidence of how stupid you are. Toddlers do that, not adults.

So in that example there are two things to work on:
1. The problem is the glass is on the floor. The solution is to clean it up.
2. Put it back, not down means glasses go in the sink after they are done. If it still has liquid it gets put against a solid surface or middle of the table.

And YES people with ND brains have to learn both of the above AND #2 is not obvious or natural to them. They have to make #2 a habit and that goes for most daily activities that other people dont think about. Many of us even have to narrate these instructions to ourselves in our head, especially when stressed or tired.