Child who directs anger at parent

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do you deal with it? ADHD child turns everything that goes wrong into something that is my fault. They miss an assignment at school somehow it's my fault. A friend does something not nice. It's my fault. Don't have that favorite shirt washed? It's my fault. This is a teen by the way so they are supposed to do their own laundry and I support them in their studies but I am not in the classroom and when an assignment suddenly appears as a 0 in the grade book I usually know nothing about it except that it's a 0.

Deal with it? Dry martinis. After they're in bed. Not much else to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Coming on to say I’m here too. Some days really suck and I hate walking on eggshells…

PP, curious what the mood medication is…..mine is on Adderall for ADHD and it helps but sometimes I wonder if she needs something else to help with mood. Could just be her age too.

zoloft.

But atomoxetine, and adhd med but not a stimulant, can also help keep moods from the extremes

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kid is like this but much younger (early elementary) so I'm reading this thread with interest because it is something I'm hoping gets better with time but I see it's not uncommon for parents of tweens/teens too. ADHD kid who definitely has rejection sensitivity.

Sometimes I struggle with the line between modeling what it means to take responsibility for your own behavior for her, and not getting blamed for every single negative thing that happens. Like I'll apologize to her for serving a late dinner one night, knowing that being hangry is a major trigger for her to get dysregulated. But then on another night we'll eat dinner at a normal time and she'll blame me for her bad mood anyway, saying it's because I screwed up and served dinner too late. It's really frustrating.

I feel like I do okay staying calm and both empathizing with the underlying feeling ("I hear that you are hungry and that's uncomfortable") but also not accepting responsibility for every single thing ("yelling at me or being rude to me isn't an acceptable way to handle being hungry -- maybe next time just ask for a pre-dinner snack if the wait feels too long"). It's so exhausting always having to walk these tight ropes.


Not trying to hijack, but definitely interested to hear if anyone has tips for dealing with this because the idea of this going on for another decade or more sounds like a lot.

Respectfully, I don’t think modeling apologizing for serving dinner late is good modeling. Taking responsibility for someone else’s mood and body is not healthy.

IMO, a better approach would be to help her recognize her own triggers and give her ways to cope.

I’d pull her side when she is not hangry and recall some episodes when she got hangry & what the clues were. Acknowledge that because of various other obligations it’s not possible to eat at the same time every night. Ask her instead if instead would like to set up a “hangry” box. Discuss what kinds of snacks typically stop hunger but are healthy and won’t totally ruin dinner - high protein/high fiber is usually good. Work together to cycle through problem identification, suggested solution, evaluation of solution, adjusting solution.

This is a cycle she will need to manage her ADHD. Problem - I have to wake up by myself every morning for work, etc.

[Anonymous]

We also had to learn to disengage, not give attention to the bad behavior and draw limits, like “we can continue this conversation when you can speak kindly” and then absolutely stick to those limits 100 percent of the time. We worked with a therapist who did parent coaching and we would go through interactions that happened and discuss how we could do it better and then plan for others that were likely to happen and practice responding in advance.

[Anonymous]

I’m that parent and it’s so frustrating. Somehow dad can do no wrong but everything is my fault.

I wish I could offer help, but I don’t have any solutions, just a sense of understanding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are a safe person.

This.

We’re the punching bag. For the NT and AS kids.