Fighting at the very last day of vacation

[Anonymous]

DH picked this city as family vacation, and he just wanted to enjoy vacation. I was the one looking for flights, hotels, tickets for paid admissions, daily plan etc. Kids also looked forward to this vacation. Kids are handy, but things have been so far so good until tonight which is the last day of vacation. What happened was 1 kid ate 2 crackers against DH's not to eat snack order, and the reason behind was that we were about to head out to eat dinner after my shower. I and 2 kids went to the hotel pool before dinner ,and 1 kid got hungry and ate snacks while I was showering. Once I was done of showering and came out, and all I heard was DH's yelling at 1 kid about his behavior, not listening and how unhappy and unenjoyable this vacation was, how regretable that he had kid, and he would definitely kick him out of house at age 18 etc. He said we could go on with our dinner plan and be a happy family without him and he would not join us to have dinner. It was agreed that he goggled/picked dinner restaurant choice while I took kids to play at hotel pool.

I was furious that that's how our vacation ended on the last day, and I asked him a few times if he really meant that and so. It was dead silence and cold war. Anyways, long story short, no one had dinner and everyone just went to bed with hunger. The youngest, age 3, got freaked out a bit, and she fell asleep by herself. The kid that got in trouble was the oldest, age 7. Kids are young, so I planned our family vacation with zoo, aquarium, kid museum, hotel pool, and some playground time. I told him about that in advance, and he never commented it was bad idea. He hate pool and beach, so we don't do beach trip and he never go to hotel pool/swimming pool with kids ever. I know he regrets to have kids because kids are handful and life/vacation is not fun anymore compared to childless life. What did I do wrong at vacation that we deserve to have no dinner like this? He is a jerk, right? I was mad for everything, and I could not take kids out to dinner under those atmosphere or to make things worse.

[Anonymous]

He's a jerk.

[Anonymous]

You let a 3 year old and 7 year old go to bed hungry? While on vacation no less??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH picked this city as family vacation, and he just wanted to enjoy vacation. I was the one looking for flights, hotels, tickets for paid admissions, daily plan etc. Kids also looked forward to this vacation. Kids are handy, but things have been so far so good until tonight which is the last day of vacation. What happened was 1 kid ate 2 crackers against DH's not to eat snack order, and the reason behind was that we were about to head out to eat dinner after my shower. I and 2 kids went to the hotel pool before dinner ,and 1 kid got hungry and ate snacks while I was showering. Once I was done of showering and came out, and all I heard was DH's yelling at 1 kid about his behavior, not listening and how unhappy and unenjoyable this vacation was, how regretable that he had kid, and he would definitely kick him out of house at age 18 etc. He said we could go on with our dinner plan and be a happy family without him and he would not join us to have dinner. It was agreed that he goggled/picked dinner restaurant choice while I took kids to play at hotel pool.

I was furious that that's how our vacation ended on the last day, and I asked him a few times if he really meant that and so. It was dead silence and cold war. Anyways, long story short, no one had dinner and everyone just went to bed with hunger. The youngest, age 3, got freaked out a bit, and she fell asleep by herself. The kid that got in trouble was the oldest, age 7. Kids are young, so I planned our family vacation with zoo, aquarium, kid museum, hotel pool, and some playground time. I told him about that in advance, and he never commented it was bad idea. He hate pool and beach, so we don't do beach trip and he never go to hotel pool/swimming pool with kids ever. I know he regrets to have kids because kids are handful and life/vacation is not fun anymore compared to childless life. What did I do wrong at vacation that we deserve to have no dinner like this? He is a jerk, right? I was mad for everything, and I could not take kids out to dinner under those atmosphere or to make things worse.

You did nothing wrong. Yes, he is a jerk. In fact, a bad enough one that you need to seriously consider the effects of his behavior on the welfare of your children and what you might do to protect them.

[Anonymous]

Yes, he’s a jerk.
Also, traveling with young kids & being off the usual schedule can be stressful for some people (aka DH). If this came out of nowhere & he doesn’t express anything like this at home, then I think he is a stressed out traveler. Go back home, relax, get back to normal & then discuss. Maybe he feels bad. Talk about what happened & what to change - definitely next vacation should be cut in 1/2 & see.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You let a 3 year old and 7 year old go to bed hungry? While on vacation no less??

+1

And he is a jerk.

[Anonymous]

You need to be a better parent and when your arsehole spouse abandons you like this, step up and take that opportunity to offer something special for your children. Unless they're very tired and just need a little food and bedtime, of course. You do not transfer to your children the burden of your husband's childish tantrum.

Sadly I've got some experience with this. My husband has high-functioning autism, and whenever he's out of his routine, feels anxious and is liable to become angry at the smallest thing. It's led to some really, really bad vacation travel, since by definition those are a total change in routine. The last one was during my son's move-in day to college - also a change in routine that led to anger because that's how he absorbs stress.

So you've got to understand this is how your husband's mind works. You've got to point it out to him. HE needs the therapy, not anyone else. He needs anger management. He is not a good husband or parent when he verbally abuses his kids like this and decides he can just stop parenting for a bit and leave you to clean up the emotional mess. You've got to verbalize all this to him and put the blame squarely on his shoulders. You might not change him much, but he needs to know he's in the wrong, and that there are consequences to his tirades. The first one is that you express your displeasure. The second is that you don't lift a finger for him until he apologizes. The third one is that you live a happy life without him: with friends, with your kids, so that you don't feel like he's a miserable millstone around your neck.

Finally, despite the hurt feelings, you still have to be the best parent you can be for your kids in that moment. Just because he's crappy, you can't drop the rope. It's more work for you, but your kids are the innocent victims here and do not deserve to go hungry or to believe they did something very wrong (eating crackers is a minor infraction). That means working on your emotional strength. Next time he does this, go out to a fun place with your kids for dinner. Go to the movies without him the next day. Buy something nice for yourself. Get a babysitter and go out with girlfriends for dinner. Make him see what he's missing being a jerk.

[Anonymous]

If anyone ever said that to my child we would not be together anymore- also shame on you for not feeding your kids dinner. If you are not part of the solution you are a part of the problem. Your kids will not forget this experience. Your spouse needs some therapy. Maybe you do as well.

[Anonymous]

So confused why leaving DH alone in the hotel room to get dinner for you and the kids would have made it worse - what’s worse than this? Has he committed more serious abuse in the past?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH picked this city as family vacation, and he just wanted to enjoy vacation. I was the one looking for flights, hotels, tickets for paid admissions, daily plan etc. Kids also looked forward to this vacation. Kids are handy, but things have been so far so good until tonight which is the last day of vacation. What happened was 1 kid ate 2 crackers against DH's not to eat snack order, and the reason behind was that we were about to head out to eat dinner after my shower. I and 2 kids went to the hotel pool before dinner ,and 1 kid got hungry and ate snacks while I was showering. Once I was done of showering and came out, and all I heard was DH's yelling at 1 kid about his behavior, not listening and how unhappy and unenjoyable this vacation was, how regretable that he had kid, and he would definitely kick him out of house at age 18 etc. He said we could go on with our dinner plan and be a happy family without him and he would not join us to have dinner. It was agreed that he goggled/picked dinner restaurant choice while I took kids to play at hotel pool.

I was furious that that's how our vacation ended on the last day, and I asked him a few times if he really meant that and so. It was dead silence and cold war. Anyways, long story short, no one had dinner and everyone just went to bed with hunger. The youngest, age 3, got freaked out a bit, and she fell asleep by herself. The kid that got in trouble was the oldest, age 7. Kids are young, so I planned our family vacation with zoo, aquarium, kid museum, hotel pool, and some playground time. I told him about that in advance, and he never commented it was bad idea. He hate pool and beach, so we don't do beach trip and he never go to hotel pool/swimming pool with kids ever. I know he regrets to have kids because kids are handful and life/vacation is not fun anymore compared to childless life. What did I do wrong at vacation that we deserve to have no dinner like this? He is a jerk, right? I was mad for everything, and I could not take kids out to dinner under those atmosphere or to make things worse.

You did nothing wrong. Yes, he is a jerk. In fact, a bad enough one that you need to seriously consider the effects of his behavior on the welfare of your children and what you might do to protect them.

Having your kids go to bed hungry because you and your husband are fighting is definitely doing something wrong. Poor kids!

[Anonymous]

Omg. Can’t believe you let kids go to bed hungry. Making that choice for yourself I understand. But you are the parent. You need to take care of your kids’ needs, both physical and emotional/mental. You feed them dinner, you tell them how much they are loved and that their dad is completely in the wrong.

I’m so sad for your kids right now. They don’t deserve this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So confused why leaving DH alone in the hotel room to get dinner for you and the kids would have made it worse - what’s worse than this? Has he committed more serious abuse in the past?

+1 I'd be so mad at my DH if he did this, the only thing I would be thinking about is how to recoup this shitty situation and have a fun night out with the kids. Or are you afraid your DH might do even greater harm to the kids once the vacation is over, if you gave dinner to your kids?

[Anonymous]

Worse how? I’m willing to back my DH on A LOT. My kids will not be hungry because DH is in a tizzy.

What would have happened if you had FED YOUR KIDS? All this over some crackers? Your poor son.

[Anonymous]

Your son ate 2 crackers, so your husband told him that he wishes he was never born, and you just put the kids to bed without dinner? These kids are going to have major issues to work through as adults.

[Anonymous]

Why in the world wouldn’t you take the kids to dinner by yourself? What was your thought process on that?

If my DH acted a fool, I don’t want me or the kids to stick around to give him an audience. He can be miserable by himself—eff him.

He flipped his lid over a few crackers? Surely this was not the first time he exploded on you/the kids like that. He needs help…or Jesus.