Advice about sister in law from hell
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
|
We live in DC, and my mother in law and father in law, who are in their late 70s, live in a pretty remote part of New England. They are getting to the point where they cannot live alone, as mother in law has early alzheimer's and father in law has many difficult physical ailments. Fortunately, they have saved very well for retirement.
The logical choice was to get them into an assisted living situation near us, as my husband only has one sibling, a sister who lives in a very rural area out west. She and her husband live on the fringe and have four kids. They have the "money doesn't matter" philosophy, but repeatedly go to our in-laws for $10k "loans" that they never pay back. Their kids are basically neglected. They've had multiple foreclosures. They never hold a job. They dismiss us as being uptight DC people who care too much about money. The relationship between my sister in law and husband is lukewarm at best, but she's my husband's only sister so he tries not to blow everything up. Just as we start looking for assisted living, sister in law decides to plant the idea that in-laws move in with her, so they don't have to spend money on assisted living. Sister in law lives about three hours away from the closest hospital, and there is no medical care. In-laws have various treatments with their current doctors that they just couldn't continue there because they don't have any doctors. There is also absolutely no one around other than my sister in law and her family. It's clear to me (and to a less extent my husband) that they are doing this to get money from my in-laws - either by preserving the money for a large inheritance, or by charging them rent. Sister in law has really worked on my mother in law by telling her how peaceful it is and it's so much better than being in a suburban environment. I just don't know what to do. My husband did just get financial and healthcare power of attorney for both of them, so we have visibility into their accounts - that is how we saw the many payments to sister in law. This is tearing my husband apart because he knows this is not the right thing to be doing with elderly people who have serious medical issues. But it's his only family, so he doesn't know how to address this without totally alienating everyone. I'm a bit more outspoken than he is so I am quite tempted to advocate for him, but I also know that this is ultimately his decision. Wondering if anyone else has been in a situation like this and what they've done. |
Anonymous
| MIL shouldn’t be making major decisions like this anymore, so leave her out of it. Tell your DH to focus on his father, and don’t tiptoe around the issue for his sister’s sake. The two of them need to have an honest talk about where to go with access to medical care. Start making plans now. SIL can talk in her mother’s ear all she wants, but at the end of the day, it will need to be your FIL’s decision. |
Anonymous
| OP, I would ask Jeff to have this moved to the eldercare forum where you are likely to find others with similar stories. |
Anonymous
| DH should ask SIL to identify the specific doctors your parents would see. |
Anonymous
OP here. We did. And she said that she believes that especially for Alzheimer's it's much more important to be around family than to get medical treatment. |
Anonymous
Oh good grief. So she's an idiot in addition to everything else. Your DH needs to focus on his father, and point out to him the lack of available healthcare. Can you share, roughly, the location of SIL? THere is a lot of info out there on lack of medical care in parts of the rural US, maybe we can link some for you to share with him. FIL should be worried about what he would do if they fall, have a heart attack,stroke, anything. You want access to medical care, and time matters. |
Anonymous
| I would talk to the attorney that did the POA. Your in laws are adults. It may not be up to you to do anything other than talk sense into them. You need to get an understanding of what the POA allows you to do. It might allow you to sign them up and pay for assisted living, but I'm not so sure you could force them to go. You might need a guardianship. |
Anonymous
She’s not wrong on this one point. There is basically nothing the medical community can offer Alzheimer’s patients. What does your FIL want to do? It sounds like he doesn’t have mental issues going on and can weigh in. And what are his medical needs? Focusing on his health seems to be the priority here and not having medical care near your SIL does sound to be an issue. But it also sounds like even if there was adequate medical care there, you and your husband have concerns about the care they would receive there. I think your husband has to be willing to have some pretty direct conversations with his sister about how she would plan to care for them, what kind of financial support she would need, what happens if it’s not working, etc. And for your husband to lay out his concerns. On the face of it, offering to have them move in sounds like a good solution but not if they won’t be well-cares for, can’t get medical care for your FIL and if they are only doing this for the money. |
Anonymous
| Fly SIL out and have her care for them for two weeks, with her kids. Maybe that will be a reality check for all of them |
Anonymous
|
I'd rather live with my daughter and family over assisted living.
|
Anonymous
Would you rather live with two flaky unemployed people who are trying to conserve your estate, and be really far from medical care, so that if you have a stroke the impairment will be worse than it could have been? |
Anonymous
exactly. These are the kinds of people who end up in nursing homes instead of assisted living. I don’t know why people hate on assisted living—they have their own apartment but also have people around to help them off their floor if they fall, cook meals, and ASSIST with other things (like laundry or meds) IF needed. My mom lives in AL and it’s been great—it’s been great when she’s fallen and couldn’t get up and needed stitches, it was great when she had COVID etc. |
Anonymous
|
The question here is:
Why does your husband wish to keep the peace if it means endangering his parents' wellbeing and guaranteeing that their final years lack appropriate care that SIL cannot provide? My husband has 2 brothers, and all three of them care for their mother with Parkinson's (and previously their late father with bipolar disorder). There have been times when they've raised their voices to each other, and spoken some hard truths - because they each want the best for their parents, and felt their solution was better than their siblings'. It doesn't hurt their relationship in the least. It clears the air, and puts everyone on the same page. One of them is not a good communicator, one of them is very busy and can't always be reached on the phone, and my husband, who manages finances, can be reluctant to dole out money for expenses. So they all have their flaws, but together they make sure their mother wants for nothing and has proper medical care. Your husband needs to confront his sister. He needs to be crystal clear with his parents about the medical risks of living with their daughter. He can even put into words the fear that this is only an invitation to suck money out of them. One of my BILs has leveled all sorts of accusations against my husband, in times of stress. They still love each other dearly, and at the end of the day, they're on the same side. Your SIL may not benefit from that level of trust, but before your parents make a life-changing move, I feel it's important to level with everyone, regardless of hurt feelings. |
Anonymous
In our experience, both our father-in-law and mother-in-law had memory issues/dementia. We'd host them at our house for 2 weeks at a time when our kids were in elementary and middle school. It was challenging, and they were lovely people when they were competent. Father-in-law would pee on the stairs, have accidents on the couch, they leave the gas burner on for hours when making tea, microwave bread to make toast that smokes up the house, they just walk out of the house not knowing where they are and we had to call the police to locate them. Mother-in-law would pack her bags every day expecting to go home, and cried when we explained she was to be here for X more days - every single day. And when we would drop in on them at their home via Alexa, they would complain they never go anywhere anymore. She would panic and tell me there is a strange man yelling at her - which was her husband of 50 years, but she would never wear her hearing aids, and he had to yell for her to hear him and did not recognize him. We were always going to be fine with having the mother-in-law move in with us, but dementia changed that and added too much stress and concern to our functioning family. They had lived in the middle of nowhere with the closest family one hour away and there were no restaurant deliveries - Hello Fresh or some equivalent was the only way to get prepared meals to them on a regular basis. We finally got a live-in assistant for them for a year which helped, but then we moved them to assisted care a mile from us (on their dime) which made life easier for everyone. Aging in place is a very selfish act when you do not live close to family or basic amenities. Power outages, falls on the ground, nose-bleeds all need someone there to help, and it is stressful on families who are not close and cannot easily help. It has definitely changed the way I look at my life as I get older. I vote they go to assisted living close to you two. |
Anonymous
| You’re trying so hard to frame this as a SIL issue but at the end of the day it’s a FIL and DH issue. You don’t need to change your SIL. You just need the people with decision-making power to make good decisions. |