Advice about sister in law from hell

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’re trying so hard to frame this as a SIL issue but at the end of the day it’s a FIL and DH issue. You don’t need to change your SIL. You just need the people with decision-making power to make good decisions.

And we get it: you and SIL have very different values and life goals. But trashing her and calling her SIL From Hell isn't helpful. DH needs to work with his family to find a workable solution. Am in full agreement with you that assisted living is likely the best choice at the point.

[Anonymous]

For someone who has been through this - we were recently told that if you wait until a person with alzheimers/demenia is too difficult to care for at home or starts getting violent it is near difficult/impossible to get them into a facility at that point? We were told of someone who finally got their parent into a facility after agreeing to provide private 24/7 care on top of the facility care.

[Anonymous]

This is so difficult. Your FIL still is cogitively capable so all you do is share your concerns with him and why you think AL with a memory care unit would be better. We got aging professionals involved too. In the end mom is still refusing residential and sister has tapped right into the very large well of money. Knowing my sister she will wait until things are very bad and try to dump the issues on me, but it will be on her. We were willing to help move mom when she was in decent shape.

The thing is we see a leech taking advantage and they see a loving child. Your parents may enjoy being out in the country. It may go horribly wrong, but they are still allowed to make terrible choices while cognitively able. Just make your boundaries clear to sibling. You are not bailing her out and they are responsible for care from now on if they chose this route.

[Anonymous]

This is between your spouse and his sister. You can support your spouse, but you have to stay out of it - it's not your decision

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For someone who has been through this - we were recently told that if you wait until a person with alzheimers/demenia is too difficult to care for at home or starts getting violent it is near difficult/impossible to get them into a facility at that point? We were told of someone who finally got their parent into a facility after agreeing to provide private 24/7 care on top of the facility care.

This happened with my grandmother. And when my dad finally found someplace that would take her it was so much money. I think she spent close to $2M in like five years. Before she died she was getting close to running out of assets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We live in DC, and my mother in law and father in law, who are in their late 70s, live in a pretty remote part of New England. They are getting to the point where they cannot live alone, as mother in law has early alzheimer's and father in law has many difficult physical ailments. Fortunately, they have saved very well for retirement.

The logical choice was to get them into an assisted living situation near us, as my husband only has one sibling, a sister who lives in a very rural area out west. She and her husband live on the fringe and have four kids. They have the "money doesn't matter" philosophy, but repeatedly go to our in-laws for $10k "loans" that they never pay back. Their kids are basically neglected. They've had multiple foreclosures. They never hold a job. They dismiss us as being uptight DC people who care too much about money. The relationship between my sister in law and husband is lukewarm at best, but she's my husband's only sister so he tries not to blow everything up.

Just as we start looking for assisted living, sister in law decides to plant the idea that in-laws move in with her, so they don't have to spend money on assisted living. Sister in law lives about three hours away from the closest hospital, and there is no medical care. In-laws have various treatments with their current doctors that they just couldn't continue there because they don't have any doctors. There is also absolutely no one around other than my sister in law and her family. It's clear to me (and to a less extent my husband) that they are doing this to get money from my in-laws - either by preserving the money for a large inheritance, or by charging them rent. Sister in law has really worked on my mother in law by telling her how peaceful it is and it's so much better than being in a suburban environment.

I just don't know what to do. My husband did just get financial and healthcare power of attorney for both of them, so we have visibility into their accounts - that is how we saw the many payments to sister in law. This is tearing my husband apart because he knows this is not the right thing to be doing with elderly people who have serious medical issues. But it's his only family, so he doesn't know how to address this without totally alienating everyone. I'm a bit more outspoken than he is so I am quite tempted to advocate for him, but I also know that this is ultimately his decision. Wondering if anyone else has been in a situation like this and what they've done.

Take emotion and motivation out of it. The beginning and end of your post could be that two older people who need extensive medical care are being asked to move where there isn't medical care readily available. If it's alienating for SIL, MIL, and FIL to hear the stone-cold reality that there's no reliable medical care/emergency medical care available near SIL, and therefore moving there isn't possible, then oh well. SIL's reaction is not anyone's responsibility but her own.

Your husband has the financial and healthcare POAs in order to make the best decisions for his ailing parents. He's going to have to do just that. And while you (and DCUM) may have issues with money being provided to SIL, if your IL's finances can handle it then maybe it will need to continue if your husband's priority is family cohesion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd rather live with my daughter and family over assisted living.

Well that's nice. But people don't go into assisted living because they prefer it. It's because they need round the clock care that most family members cannot provide, especially ones with a bunch of young kids. Their Mom might be reasonably functional right now but it gets real. real quick. Better to get them in a safe situation now then scramble when it's a crisis. SIL has NO idea she's in for.

[Anonymous]

If you want to resolve this quickly without alienating the SIL, then my advice would be to tell her that the costs of the assisted living can be deducted from your DH's share of the inheritance. Is this "fair"? No. Will it get you in-laws settled in the best situation for them with the least conflict with your SIL? Hopefully, yes. Eyes on the prize.

[Anonymous]

DH does them no favors by being a wimp
They gave him, the decision powers, for a reason
He, or anyone, does need to consider ... that people want different amount of medical intervention. It could be they are happy to lead a simpler life, away from medical interventions, though it might be shorter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH does them no favors by being a wimp
They gave him, the decision powers, for a reason
He, or anyone, does need to consider ... that people want different amount of medical intervention. It could be they are happy to lead a simpler life, away from medical interventions, though it might be shorter.

When you're dealing with dementia it's not that simple.

[Anonymous]

Well, if they move in with your SIL and your MIL has Alzheimer's, it won't last long--trust me. It is very, very hard living with someone with Alzheimers. You and DH can pick up the pieces then when they've had too much, which will likely be sooner rather than later.

As far as the money goes, MYOB. As long as your FIL is of sound mind, he can "loan" as much money as he wants to his daughter.

[Anonymous]

My MIL has dementia and lived at home/with my FIL as her caregiver. She “eloped” (takes off and leaves the home—by foot and wanders away to who knows where) multiple times a day. What will happen if your MIL does that in an extremely rural area w no one around? In my in laws’ case, they live in a town that is densely populated and all neighbors know my in laws so they would call FIL when they saw MIL out on her own. Wouldn’t work in a rural area and seems unsafe.

MIL also did things like leave the burner on, leave a dish towel on the stove while the burner is on, leave water running (she once flooded the basement by leaving a sink on), overflows bathtub, tries to find the car keys (so far hasn’t attempted to drive but definitely can see that happening), etc etc. she also got to a point where she was very aggressive and could become violent. And had incontinence as well. Very unsafe (for herself and for the whole family) and very difficult to have her living at home w family as caregivers. She really needed to be in assisted living or memory care facility.

I’m guessing your SIL has no idea what could be in store for them taking in laws into their home and I didn’t even mention the issue of them being far from hospitals/doctors which is also a huge concern. My guess is if your in laws do move in w them it won’t last very long before they all realize what a bad idea it is. But still try to talk FIL out of it.