Retired mother's anxiety is through the roof b/c of NextDoor

[Anonymous]

My mother and her husband - both recently retired, late 60s - dropped the bombshell that they are thinking of selling their dream retirement home that they just finished renovating to move to a 55+ community outside of Vegas. They have no friends, no family, and no support network in Vegas. Their health is OK, but the decline is starting. They have made multiple trips to NV and AZ in recent months to look at properties (unbeknownst to us). Recent conversations with my mother about the move have felt....manic.

A few things at play:
-They live in a high income beach community. Crime and homelessness are more prevalent than when they first moved in about 7 years ago, but has improved since the pandemic. They have lots of family support + grandkids nearby. No inventory and renovated homes are selling for $2m+. They put in a ton of sweat equity in the past 5 years and have an incredible home for retirement (walkable neighborhood, manageable size, newly renovated).
-Mother obsessively reads NextDoor and worries about every nuisance crime - catalytic converter theft, someone spotted on Ring camera stealing a package, drunk driver hit some parked cars, etc. She can't stop talking about crime.
-Recently told by my step-sister that my mother obsessively listens to the Sheriff police scanner online every night.
-Mother's anxiety is through the roof. About 4 months ago, there was a random shooting on a busy day at the nearby family-friendly beach. A homeless man randomly accosted a father and his son, shooting the father in the hand. Police were all over it within 30 seconds, but my mother was 200 feet away from shooting, heard it, and saw the panic of people running + the wife of the man screaming "they shot my husband!" Still, shootings are very rare in their community.
-Mentally, we are noticing some slippage - she repeats the same things (forgetting she already told us), had a fugue state episode 18 months ago (went to Wal-Mart for three hours, bought a bunch of stuff and didn't remember any of it)
-Has trouble hearing, but won't get hearing aids
-Step-father minimizes when it comes to medical care - "you don't need hearing aids" "you don't need therapy" "oh the black-out wasn't that bad" etc. He neglects his own health and we are seriously worried that his attitude is rubbing off on her.

All us adult kids on both sides of the family have coordinated to encourage them to rent a home in Vegas to test-drive a move. They've promised to not make any rash decisions and my mother seems a bit less manic now that they are leaning toward renting this winter. We told them that if they sell the house, they will never be able to live near the beach again. They have a 3% mortgage - as retirees they will likely never qualify for a mortgage again. We also expressed concerns about their health needs and our availability - i.e., we all have young kids and can't get to Vegas at the drop of a hat if there's an issue.

My issue right now is dealing with my mother's anxiety + step-dad's encouraging behavior. They feed off negative information, such that they are willing to make a monumentally disastrous financial decision based on crap they are reading online. The crime rate of their area is one-quarter of what we are dealing with in DC. They have a perfect one level house for retirement with lots of friends and family within a 60 min drive.

How are people dealing with this? My mother could use a therapist, plus some Xanax. She's a people pleaser who has been through a lot in life.

[Anonymous]

Your mother has dementia. The blackout at Walmart and the obsessive anxiety ARE dementia. Your stepfather is making things worse by denying her critical care. Elderly people with untreated hearing loss have a much higher risk of developing dementia than others.

One of the kids has to accompany her to a specialist for a cognitive assessment. You all have to try and make her husband see sense - his wife actually DOES need hearing aids and medical supervision for her cognitive decline.

In that context, and given what the specialist will tell you, I'm not sure she will enjoy any location she eventually ends up in. She needs medication for her anxiety, and she needs to be near relatives who can check-in on her. This could last years, depending on progression. Then eventually she might need memory care, or constant supervision at home, probably with paid aides, because it will become more than her husband can handle (and he's not handling thing well right now).

[Anonymous]

You also need to delete the NextDoor feature and persuade her not to listen to the scanner. But you might not be able to convince her without anxiety meds, because it's become a compulsion, and those are really hard to manage.

[Anonymous]

Your mother and her husband are in the last season of their lives. They may really want that season to be in Vegas.

[Anonymous]

You can ask if she’s done a Montreal Cognitivr Assessment.

Donald Trump made it famous but he’s an idiot and it’s a useful screener.

[Anonymous]

Agree that it's dementia and it's exacerbated by the hearing issues. Look up hearing and dementia.

[Anonymous]

Im not saying your mom isnt losing it. But dont gloss over her being in such close proximity to a violent crime happening. Just because you might be used to violent crime happening around you doesn’t mean everyone is.

[Anonymous]

She might be more open to therapy if you use the shooting incident as a reason to see someone.

Tell her that a lot of the stuff on NextDoor is fake, and that Vegas has crime and poverty problems (both are true).

Try to get her out of the house, with you or in social groups, so she is not at home obsessing. If they are not churchgoers, maybe an art class or beach combing group, yoga if she can do it.

Agree with PP that this is dementia (and anxiety), hearing loss contributes, and she needs treatment. I might push for POA if she won't see a doc at all. Do everything you can to prevent her moving away from family where she will only become more isolated and ill.

I'm familiar with the unsupportive spouse/step-dad dynamic but haven't found a solution: it can get really bad. I'm sorry.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you don’t want her selling the house and then blowing the money on an expensive retirement community they might really enjoy. How selfish of you!

[Anonymous]

The 55+ communities (even in Vegas) are thriving because a lot of seniors want that type of living. It is very easy living. I don't know if dementia is involved but it sounds like renting for the winter is a good plan and they may love it. You all should be open to that since they can get a cheap one level living and make a lot of friends in Vegas where the therapist and pharmacy are in the community.

[Anonymous]

OP here: thanks for all of this. We are trying to get her to come out East next month for a week to see grandkids, will do an observation.

The reason they want to move to Vegas is because stepdad is an avid golfer and my mom wants to join the activity clubs at the 55+ community. Mom stopped going to church when she met stepdad. She actually still works 10-15 hours per week for her previous employer, so that keeps her somewhat busy plus they like to have money coming in. They do travel quite a bit - at least one weekend trip per month to the desert, Bay Area, trip to see girlfriends in Seattle, etc. They have a big social network and are always having people over for dinner or lunch.

It's just so odd that they suddenly decided to uproot. Like I said, it feels manic.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like they’re in California. Literally everyone with half a brain is fleeing that hellhole for the exact reasons your mother has identified. Why are you standing in her way?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like you don’t want her selling the house and then blowing the money on an expensive retirement community they might really enjoy. How selfish of you!

OP here: retirement community would actually be cheaper than where they live now. So no, it's not about blowing money. It's actually about health, being close to family/friends, and making a rash decision without actually having experience in a place like Vegas. Visiting for 3 days is sooooooooo different than a day-to-day routine. Hence why the adult kids (both side of the family) are trying to convince them to rent for the season and see how it goes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The 55+ communities (even in Vegas) are thriving because a lot of seniors want that type of living. It is very easy living. I don't know if dementia is involved but it sounds like renting for the winter is a good plan and they may love it. You all should be open to that since they can get a cheap one level living and make a lot of friends in Vegas where the therapist and pharmacy are in the community.

If they want to move there, they should visit now while it's 103 everyday. Coastal Californians can be wimpy about weather, IME (I'm a transplant).

[Anonymous]

Your mom was 200 ft from a shooting and you are concerned it upset her? What kind of hellhole do you live in?!!! That would be very scary for a normal person.

This doesn’t sound very sudden to me, they have been contemplating it for months it sounds like. Are you hoping to inherit the beach place someday? Why don’t you want her to move? It doesn’t sound like she lives close to you either way. Let them enjoy a retirement community!