Retired mother's anxiety is through the roof b/c of NextDoor

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like they’re in California. Literally everyone with half a brain is fleeing that hellhole for the exact reasons your mother has identified. Why are you standing in her way?

The violent crime rate in Las Vegas is identical to where they live now.

[Anonymous]

OP this isn't a rash decision. They haven't done anything. It sounds like she is very social and they will continue to be where ever they are. Our plan for retirement is to move from DC. Sure we have friends but that isn't going to keep me here. It sounds like your family is spread out so not exactly sure what it is ok for others to move but they can't? That is weird.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your mom was 200 ft from a shooting and you are concerned it upset her? What kind of hellhole do you live in?!!! That would be very scary for a normal person.

This doesn’t sound very sudden to me, they have been contemplating it for months it sounds like. Are you hoping to inherit the beach place someday? Why don’t you want her to move? It doesn’t sound like she lives close to you either way. Let them enjoy a retirement community!

This is literally every major metro area in America right now. Its happening at schools in cities, suburbs, and rural areas.

It happened in a neighborhood where homes sell for $2-3m on average. It's not a hell hole, except on NextDoor.

[Anonymous]

She is going to be shocked when she moves to Vegas if she is scared of crime. That's a strange place to move.

It sounds like she was traumatized by the shooting OP, and constant consumption of news is a problem. Can you go together to see a doctor and then see if he would recommend testing, non addictive antianxiety meds (not benzos) , and some therapy?

Most people I know are still working at those ages OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here: thanks for all of this. We are trying to get her to come out East next month for a week to see grandkids, will do an observation.

The reason they want to move to Vegas is because stepdad is an avid golfer and my mom wants to join the activity clubs at the 55+ community. Mom stopped going to church when she met stepdad. She actually still works 10-15 hours per week for her previous employer, so that keeps her somewhat busy plus they like to have money coming in. They do travel quite a bit - at least one weekend trip per month to the desert, Bay Area, trip to see girlfriends in Seattle, etc. They have a big social network and are always having people over for dinner or lunch.

It's just so odd that they suddenly decided to uproot. Like I said, it feels manic.

There are 55+ communities everywhere.

[Anonymous]

She does not need xanex. Elders can really abuse that stuff. She needs a dementia screener and a safer anxiety medication. You can let her doctor know concerns via VM even if there is no release. Doctor just can't call you back and share anything.

[Anonymous]

Likely they can not sell without both signatures. You don't talk enough about your step-Dad. Has he been in the picture long? Do you have a close-enough relationship with him to discuss your concerns?

[Anonymous]

It’s their decision and sounds like they made up their mind. I think it is fine. They are 60 and wanting to live in a warm climate within a senior citizen community. They won’t be near you but who cares? Let them enjoy the last decade together. Maybe they want to be unbothered by their family and actually enjoy themselves for once. If anything happens, there is always 911.

[Anonymous]

You (or have your mom) should research healthcare in Vegas. Depending on where she is in California, the healthcare landscape will be dramatically worse in Vegas.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your mom was 200 ft from a shooting and you are concerned it upset her? What kind of hellhole do you live in?!!! That would be very scary for a normal person.

This doesn’t sound very sudden to me, they have been contemplating it for months it sounds like. Are you hoping to inherit the beach place someday? Why don’t you want her to move? It doesn’t sound like she lives close to you either way. Let them enjoy a retirement community!

This is literally every major metro area in America right now. Its happening at schools in cities, suburbs, and rural areas.

It happened in a neighborhood where homes sell for $2-3m on average. It's not a hell hole, except on NextDoor.

No, this kind of crime does not typically occur in neighborhoods of 2-3m dollar homes everywhere. Maybe that is why they want to move to what is undoubtedly a gated community with security in a posh Vegas suburb. Not the same as a CA beach where homeless people are regularly found.

Vegas is a huge area, much of which is very low crime.

[Anonymous]

Vegas is a nice place to retire and live. There are crime pockets just like everywhere else. In wealthier gated communities, as a PP pointed out, this is not much of a problem. I wouldn’t want to retire in beachside California either. Too close to the border, too many homeless, crime a growing problem. They sound like they want a more peaceful existence. I don’t think they would miss that undertone of unease out there.

But I’m more concerned that they don’t know anyone there and your mom sounds like she’s starting to decline.

[Anonymous]

OP is this Venice Beach? Crime really isn’t up and Venice Beach has always had some dodgy characters around so it’s odd that they are all of a sudden obsessed by crime. It could be anxiety or a constant diet of fear inducing right wing media junk. Don’t underestimate how bad conservative media is for the elderly.

Do all the relatives live in SoCal or are some in the Bay Area or further north? If they have relatives in the Bay Area they could look at moving to Monterey /Pacific Grove as it’s older and quieter. Carmel also trends older. If they are not looking for a large house they could fine one fr 2M in PG , for Carmel they’ll need to be further inland but still doable. I don’t know SoCal very well but there are probably quieter coastal towns that trend older too. They can do a 1031 and I believe senior citizens get to take their tax status with them. ( Non Californians don’t realize that your property taxes almost freeze when you buy your house. If you move away and then move back/buy again then you’re stuck with being taxed at current value which many people can’t afford. ) Leaving can be a one way ticket.

If they are serious about Vegas, Nevada is a popular requirement state. Arizona used to be big but people are getting worried about water mismanagement there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your mother has dementia. The blackout at Walmart and the obsessive anxiety ARE dementia. Your stepfather is making things worse by denying her critical care. Elderly people with untreated hearing loss have a much higher risk of developing dementia than others.

One of the kids has to accompany her to a specialist for a cognitive assessment. You all have to try and make her husband see sense - his wife actually DOES need hearing aids and medical supervision for her cognitive decline.

In that context, and given what the specialist will tell you, I'm not sure she will enjoy any location she eventually ends up in. She needs medication for her anxiety, and she needs to be near relatives who can check-in on her. This could last years, depending on progression. Then eventually she might need memory care, or constant supervision at home, probably with paid aides, because it will become more than her husband can handle (and he's not handling thing well right now).

1000x this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother and her husband - both recently retired, late 60s - dropped the bombshell that they are thinking of selling their dream retirement home that they just finished renovating to move to a 55+ community outside of Vegas. They have no friends, no family, and no support network in Vegas. Their health is OK, but the decline is starting. They have made multiple trips to NV and AZ in recent months to look at properties (unbeknownst to us). Recent conversations with my mother about the move have felt....manic.

A few things at play:
-They live in a high income beach community. Crime and homelessness are more prevalent than when they first moved in about 7 years ago, but has improved since the pandemic. They have lots of family support + grandkids nearby. No inventory and renovated homes are selling for $2m+. They put in a ton of sweat equity in the past 5 years and have an incredible home for retirement (walkable neighborhood, manageable size, newly renovated).
-Mother obsessively reads NextDoor and worries about every nuisance crime - catalytic converter theft, someone spotted on Ring camera stealing a package, drunk driver hit some parked cars, etc. She can't stop talking about crime.
-Recently told by my step-sister that my mother obsessively listens to the Sheriff police scanner online every night.
-Mother's anxiety is through the roof. About 4 months ago, there was a random shooting on a busy day at the nearby family-friendly beach. A homeless man randomly accosted a father and his son, shooting the father in the hand. Police were all over it within 30 seconds, but my mother was 200 feet away from shooting, heard it, and saw the panic of people running + the wife of the man screaming "they shot my husband!" Still, shootings are very rare in their community.
-Mentally, we are noticing some slippage - she repeats the same things (forgetting she already told us), had a fugue state episode 18 months ago (went to Wal-Mart for three hours, bought a bunch of stuff and didn't remember any of it)
-Has trouble hearing, but won't get hearing aids
-Step-father minimizes when it comes to medical care - "you don't need hearing aids" "you don't need therapy" "oh the black-out wasn't that bad" etc. He neglects his own health and we are seriously worried that his attitude is rubbing off on her.

All us adult kids on both sides of the family have coordinated to encourage them to rent a home in Vegas to test-drive a move. They've promised to not make any rash decisions and my mother seems a bit less manic now that they are leaning toward renting this winter. We told them that if they sell the house, they will never be able to live near the beach again. They have a 3% mortgage - as retirees they will likely never qualify for a mortgage again. We also expressed concerns about their health needs and our availability - i.e., we all have young kids and can't get to Vegas at the drop of a hat if there's an issue.

My issue right now is dealing with my mother's anxiety + step-dad's encouraging behavior. They feed off negative information, such that they are willing to make a monumentally disastrous financial decision based on crap they are reading online. The crime rate of their area is one-quarter of what we are dealing with in DC. They have a perfect one level house for retirement with lots of friends and family within a 60 min drive.

How are people dealing with this? My mother could use a therapist, plus some Xanax. She's a people pleaser who has been through a lot in life.

Nope, not normal for sixties. The isthemic stroke is probably the cause, and she might have had more damage.

Get it checked out. Also, not a good time for big decisions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your mother has dementia. The blackout at Walmart and the obsessive anxiety ARE dementia. Your stepfather is making things worse by denying her critical care. Elderly people with untreated hearing loss have a much higher risk of developing dementia than others.

One of the kids has to accompany her to a specialist for a cognitive assessment. You all have to try and make her husband see sense - his wife actually DOES need hearing aids and medical supervision for her cognitive decline.

In that context, and given what the specialist will tell you, I'm not sure she will enjoy any location she eventually ends up in. She needs medication for her anxiety, and she needs to be near relatives who can check-in on her. This could last years, depending on progression. Then eventually she might need memory care, or constant supervision at home, probably with paid aides, because it will become more than her husband can handle (and he's not handling thing well right now).

1000x this.

Not everything is dementia. This sounds very much like other things.