Can you force an aide on a parent with physical issues who really needs one?

[Anonymous]

My two parents, 90 & 87, have some physical issues that makes it very difficult to live safely without having someone with them, which right now is me. My Mother has fallen up the steps twice this week, first time injuring and cutting her knee, and just tonight has a golf ball sized bump on her head which she refuses to get checked out. My Father is having chronic health issues and has been in and out of the hospital for for two months, mostly in the hospital. I also have a full time job, which I have gone through all of my PTO and am now taking unpaid leave on. I haven’t been there long enough to qualify for FMLA, so I’m starting to fear that I’ll lose my job.

I’ve talked to my parents numerous times about getting an aide in to help them during the day while I’m away. My Dad is coming around and seeing that they do need some help but my Mother, who is the most stubborn and difficult person in the world to deal with, refuses to allow an aide in the house. I do have POA for both of them, but because she is of very sound mind I think she can tell an aide to leave if she wants to?

Does anyone know if I call social services and explain that it’s unsafe for them to be alone while I’m at work, if they can force aides on them?

Any advice? I’m drowning and extremely burnt-out. I really need help. And, I don’t have a any siblings to assist. My friends have offered to help, but my Mother won’t allow them to come in the house.

[Anonymous]

Don't have all the answers for you, OP, but just wanted to say this sounds like a miserable situation you are in.

Could you tell your mom to accept an aid or she will need to move to assisted living? If she is of sound mind, I don't think that you can make her yourself, but you could call social services report that they are unsafe by themselves. I imagine that would get them sent to assisted living or a nursing home.

Please don't let your elderly mom hold you hostage with her delusions about her living situation. You need to have boundaries and protect your job situation. It sounds like you have been more than generous with your time and involvement and it's totally fair to insist that they find additional caregivers (not more of you).

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

I have a difficult mother too. Is there lots of money to throw at this? If so, see if you can get them to agree to a case manager to visit so they know her in case they need her in the future *wink*. Your 1st goal is just getting an expert in the door. If they agree you need to find someone who charms stubborn elderly and can coordinate care. Sometimes they know the right things to say to get an aide in, other times it’s a bust. Yes adult protective services can check in, but that is a last resort and no they cannot force help.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think you can force them.

You could leave and then they would see they need one.

My parents have home care aides. It’s very expensive. Twenty five to thirty bucks an hour.

My mom kicked them out a lot at first.

I will warn you that some of the aides suck. If your mom complains all an aide does is sit around and look at her phone that is probably true

[Anonymous]

Take care of yourself first.

We are also paying between $25 and $32 per hour for aides. This is on the eastern shore.

I recommend baby steps first.

Most agencies will staff a minimum of 4 hours per shift.

Can you start out with 4 hours in the mornings?

PS. I forgot to mention the agencies charge more for 2 people.

Do they have a cleaning lady? Can you start out with a cleaning lady once every 2 weeks.

You and Dad need to stay strong on this. Tell Mom that someone is coming around to help Dad each DAy. Tell the agency to tell caregivers to focus on Dad.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

By being there you are enabling your mom not to hire help. Of course she prefers you to be there. Go home and they will see they needed hired help.

[Anonymous]

You don’t live with them, do you? You need to explain to her that you must leave them to maintain your employment/sanity and at the next inevitable crisis you will not be coming to help because this is not sustainable for you and they clearly need to see, through experience, their situation

Tell her here is what will happen:
(1)she or your dad will be hospitalized. There will be a fall, illness, etc
(2) you will not come unless she agrees as a condition of that, that there will be help at home. If she does not agree, *don’t come.* Tell the social worker you cannot do it as you need to work. The social worker at the hospital will likely deem it unsafe for one parent to care for the other alone and will tell them that and the gears of bureaucracy will move
(3) at that point they will either get aides/help at home or it’s a nursing home.

I mean, this all sucks and I get why your mom wants to maintain their independent lifestyle. Because once it’s gone it’s never coming back. But your mom cannot expect you to lose your job!! Your parents may need to stumble around more and be unsafe to really see how the situation is. If you swoop in to help they will never see it. My mom refused to consider help in the home until my dad was extremely debilitated. They definitely had been living in a precarious state before then for a long time and I hated it but it was their choice. At that point the social workers basically would not agree to discharge them without an in home plan in place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:By being there you are enabling your mom not to hire help. Of course she prefers you to be there. Go home and they will see they needed hired help.

I posted before and this is so true. We enabled mom for far too long and she became more and more demanding of our time. It wasn't until we backed off and rightly focused on our jobs and family that she finally accepted help. My mother was not big on empathy, but with age any empathy she had faded and there was enormous self absorption and entitlement. When I became ill she was angry at me for setting boundaries. There are some parents who as they age will eat their young to get their own needs met. You have to have boundaries. Now when you back off, there could be a fall or some other emergency, but that is not your fault. You tried and tried to get them to accept help and that fall happens living life on their terms.

[Anonymous]

You can't force anything unless you sue for guardianship

[Anonymous]

Don’t lose your job! Go back to work. It’s okay if they get injured. These are their choices, not yours. You can only do what you can do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can't force anything unless you sue for guardianship

Which is hard to get and it doesn’t sound like they are there yet

I don’t advise this route at this point

[Anonymous]

You hire them. They show up. Just have it happen. You are there the first visit, if at all possible. You have to do all the actual work to make it happen. Can they have to accept it, legally? No. Can you put have it happen and push pressure on them.

[Anonymous]

Just go home. Tell them you cannot do this anymore, but you will be happy to
Help them hire help if they decide to do so. And then leave. They may die because no one is there, but this is their choice.

[Anonymous]

Don't sacrifice your life to your mom's stubbornness. Go home, go back to work, and let them live with their decision for a bit.

If your dad is willing to have help, then get someone in and tell your mother that they're there for your dad. And tell whomever you hire the situation with your mother.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the PPs who say you are enabling your mom. As long as you’re around, there’s no incentive for her to agree to a stranger in the house. You cannot keep going like that, so explain you can’t be there because of work.