How would you advise sister in this situation?

[Anonymous]

My sister married her high school sweetheart and settled in our very small, insular hometown. Our family quietly hoped for "more" for her, but it's her life. Cliche-style, her meddlesome mother-in-law lives a block away and is always coming by and fussing over her son.

BIL is a big weirdo. He's always been very scatter-brained and inappropriate thinking it's funny, but he seems to have gotten more eccentric over time. He's an artist in his spare time and will lock himself away for hours in his studio, smokes TONS of pot and becomes catatonic in front of TV, sells weird graphic art on Instagram but it seems to make him happy. He does hold down a 9-5 job working for his father (plumbing).

For the past three years, whenever I see my sister, which isn't much since they live in the Midwest, she is in tears about her husband. She says he drinks to the point of passing out a lot, does nothing with household stuff, accuses her of having mental illness, refuses to see a marital therapist, etc. She is ALWAYS complaining about how miserable she is with him but always "wants to make it work." She saw her own therapist who even outright told her to leave. Granted I am only hearing her side but it seems very odd.

Our parents divorced as a kid and I am sure this plays a part. We grew up with a single mom and saw how it could suck. She is also in our VERY PROVINCIAL, appearances-oriented hometown where her DH family is well known. On social media, she would think she had it all, so happy, etc. She also has three young kids (under 8) and I'm sure leaving would be a mess. Her MIL has already tried to begin winning kids over with snacks, candy, vacations etc.

My SIL has a job but not a ton of money, neither of them do, but her DH is backed by his family and we have none of that support. I'm not sure how to help her. She just wants to "make it work!" and help him "get better!" but...it sounds really awful? We are meeting for an annual family vacation this weekend (DH refuses to come) and I almost want to have a come to Jesus, like, you need to get out and here's how.

Ideas?? Stay out of it? Is this common in a marriage?? I just don't understand why she insists on staying and making it work when even HE has said he'd be OK separating and sharing custody (that is the other important point, he has even suggested it and she is resisting, so he isn't threatening her by withholding kids, tho perhaps the MIL would).

Oy.

[Anonymous]

Stay out of it

[Anonymous]

You don't understand why she wouldn't want a shared custody situation with kids under 8, presumably some quite a bit under 8, and someone who is constantly under the influence?

[Anonymous]

You clearly think you’re superior to everyone involved. That’s annoying.

Plus I don’t understand the need to drag the MIL into all of this. Based on your description of what’s going on, the problem is with the husband and the marriage - not the mother in law.

But considering you don’t see her very much it’s pretty obvious you don’t know the whole story. So stay out of her life. Listen, nod your head, then go back to your own glamorous life where you are just soooo much better than everyone you grew up with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You clearly think you’re superior to everyone involved. That’s annoying.

Plus I don’t understand the need to drag the MIL into all of this. Based on your description of what’s going on, the problem is with the husband and the marriage - not the mother in law.

But considering you don’t see her very much it’s pretty obvious you don’t know the whole story. So stay out of her life. Listen, nod your head, then go back to your own glamorous life where you are just soooo much better than everyone you grew up with.

Project much?

[Anonymous]

Perhaps support your sister in finding a better paying career? Maybe nursing? Something that will put her in a financial situation if she does choose to leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You clearly think you’re superior to everyone involved. That’s annoying.

Plus I don’t understand the need to drag the MIL into all of this. Based on your description of what’s going on, the problem is with the husband and the marriage - not the mother in law.

But considering you don’t see her very much it’s pretty obvious you don’t know the whole story. So stay out of her life. Listen, nod your head, then go back to your own glamorous life where you are just soooo much better than everyone you grew up with.

Project much?

What did I say that wasn’t true?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You clearly think you’re superior to everyone involved. That’s annoying.

Plus I don’t understand the need to drag the MIL into all of this. Based on your description of what’s going on, the problem is with the husband and the marriage - not the mother in law.

But considering you don’t see her very much it’s pretty obvious you don’t know the whole story. So stay out of her life. Listen, nod your head, then go back to your own glamorous life where you are just soooo much better than everyone you grew up with.

Project much?

What did I say that wasn’t true?

The presumptions about superiority and a glamorous life. Seemed kind of out-there and presumptive.

[Anonymous]

Has she asked you for advice? If not, just listen and be a support for her.

[Anonymous]

She should consult with a lawyer. But until she drops the fantasy that she can “make him get better” nothing much will happen. The danger is that she sees a separation/divorce as a way to manipulate him to get better - which will not work. She’s not separated from him mentally.

If she actually DOES want to separate, my advice is that men like him actually do not want 50-50. Grandma probably doesn’t actually want to take care of 3 little kids either. So if she SKILLFULLY manages the separation so as not to trigger paranoia or fear, she could end up with a weekend-dad type situation. You make it clear from the outset you’re not trying to cut anyone off.

So for example, bring up separation and say “I think the kids need us both in their lives but also stability. I was thinking they could be with me on school nights and with you on Friday nights and vacations. And you would be welcome to see them afterschool on my nights.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You clearly think you’re superior to everyone involved. That’s annoying.

Plus I don’t understand the need to drag the MIL into all of this. Based on your description of what’s going on, the problem is with the husband and the marriage - not the mother in law.

But considering you don’t see her very much it’s pretty obvious you don’t know the whole story. So stay out of her life. Listen, nod your head, then go back to your own glamorous life where you are just soooo much better than everyone you grew up with.

Your sister's MIL has entered the chat.

[Anonymous]

I applaud your sister’s dedication to the vows she took. I really do. My DH and I don’t “believe” in divorce in the sense that we believe it should be a last resort in a terrible situation. So many, especially here in DCUrban mom seem to hate marriage or the idea of working through the tough times or men even. That is all to show you I don’t give this advice flippantly. But this isn’t ever going to get better. This situation is exactly why recreational pot should not be legal. This idea that pot isn’t harmful or addictive is nonsense. This guy is an addict just the same as any other hard core drug. AND he doesn’t seem to give a hoot about his wife as HE is fine with ending the marriage. It’s so scary and your poor sister has a long road ahead. But she should get out now.

[Anonymous]

OP here - yes, she asks for advice and wants to vent when I see her, and at this point it seems almost thoughtless not to offer some kind of feedback.
I don't live a glamorous life at all. I just don't live in our small hometown, and I was being descriptive to paint a picture of the insularity of the town and the difficulty of breaking free, that's all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - yes, she asks for advice and wants to vent when I see her, and at this point it seems almost thoughtless not to offer some kind of feedback.
I don't live a glamorous life at all. I just don't live in our small hometown, and I was being descriptive to paint a picture of the insularity of the town and the difficulty of breaking free, that's all.

Your description was fine. Don't listen to that PP idiot who said you thought you were superior. There is always someone who says that.

[Anonymous]

Her ILs are supporting her family by providing a job for her husband, who would probably struggle to find one otherwise. I think the fact that they sometimes give the children snacks needs to be weighed against that.

If they do end up with any kind of shared custody, there's a good chance that her MIL is the one who will ensure the kids get fed and minimal supervision. So, one piece of advice I'd give is not to burn that bridge, whatever she does with the marriage.