Lying about Divorce

[Anonymous]

I have been dating this wonderful woman for last 8 months and things are going great. I am divorced and at the start she told me that she was divorced but in a recent conversation it came out that she is not fully divorced and it hit me awkwardly. We love each other, in a committed relationship, have introduced our kids as well and talked about moving-in together by next year. I asked her for the reason for not telling me correctly at the beginning and she mentioned a bit of shame and also that some guys don't want to date if woman is separated and not fully divorced. She has been living separately from her husband for 3 years and have filed for divorce but it is not final yet. Honestly, I don't care as much about a piece of paper as for my connection with her so wondering how big of a deal this is?

[Anonymous]

It’s a huge deal. Why has it been so long that they’ve been separated without divorce? What is causing the delay. Really inconsiderate of her to keep you in the dark.

[Anonymous]

She’ll drop you as soon as she’s officially divorced. Happened to me just recently (I even posted a thread here about a partner who omitted telling he was finalizing his divorce). I heard men saying it happened to them, too. Which is why nobody wants to date separated people

[Anonymous]

I don't find this as a big deal if you like each other. As a woman, she came clean when things became serious but it could have been better at the earlier stages. Not a deal-breaker.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She’ll drop you as soon as she’s officially divorced. Happened to me just recently (I even posted a thread here about a partner who omitted telling he was finalizing his divorce). I heard men saying it happened to them, too. Which is why nobody wants to date separated people

Forgot to add his divorce was bitter in court and he was not telling me any of that. He dropped me 3 weeks after it was final

[Anonymous]

It's as big of a deal as you want to make it.

What's the reasons for the divorce not being final? If it's financial entanglements, then that would make sense. I'd also communicate how the information made you feel and that you are disappointed that she didn't come clean earlier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She’ll drop you as soon as she’s officially divorced. Happened to me just recently (I even posted a thread here about a partner who omitted telling he was finalizing his divorce). I heard men saying it happened to them, too. Which is why nobody wants to date separated people

Forgot to add his divorce was bitter in court and he was not telling me any of that. He dropped me 3 weeks after it was final

What's the psychology behind this, I don't understand?

I can understand BEING dumped when your divorce is made final by someone who is afraid of committment.

[Anonymous]

Op Here. Her divorce process is pretty amicable and she was waiting for her kids to graduate HS and go to college. All the assets are divided including house and she didn't want to spend a lot of money in filing the paperwork but had hired a lawyer a few months ago and took care of it. Other than this, I don't see any issues from her side as far as the commitment is concerned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's as big of a deal as you want to make it.

What's the reasons for the divorce not being final? If it's financial entanglements, then that would make sense. I'd also communicate how the information made you feel and that you are disappointed that she didn't come clean earlier.

Op here. Yes, it was certainly a disappointment and I communicated to her in a polite way and this is the only time she is providing incorrect information (I didn't say lying) to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op Here. Her divorce process is pretty amicable and she was waiting for her kids to graduate HS and go to college. All the assets are divided including house and she didn't want to spend a lot of money in filing the paperwork but had hired a lawyer a few months ago and took care of it. Other than this, I don't see any issues from her side as far as the commitment is concerned.

There is no reason for her to wait until the kids graduates high school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op Here. Her divorce process is pretty amicable and she was waiting for her kids to graduate HS and go to college. All the assets are divided including house and she didn't want to spend a lot of money in filing the paperwork but had hired a lawyer a few months ago and took care of it. Other than this, I don't see any issues from her side as far as the commitment is concerned.

There is no reason for her to wait until the kids graduates high school.

They were in a bit of difficult relationship in which he is the high earner but also verbally abusive and very controlling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's as big of a deal as you want to make it.

What's the reasons for the divorce not being final? If it's financial entanglements, then that would make sense. I'd also communicate how the information made you feel and that you are disappointed that she didn't come clean earlier.

Op here. Yes, it was certainly a disappointment and I communicated to her in a polite way and this is the only time she is providing incorrect information (I didn't say lying) to me.

I your first post, you said that she told you she was divorced. That was a lie. There is either divorced or not. It’s that simple.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't find this as a big deal if you like each other. As a woman, she came clean when things became serious but it could have been better at the earlier stages. Not a deal-breaker.

So what you're saying is it's ok to lie about something that you know most people will care about so long as you come clean later on? So, no problem if I say I'm 5-10 years younger so long as I come clean several months later?

[Anonymous]

I think this is a big deal. It’s not a little white lie, it’s a lie about her marital status. I would take things slower with this woman (honestly I’d probably suggest that anyway, moving in together next year seems like a big step). I also absolutely wouldn’t move in with someone who has kids in HS or is still married. Wait until she’s divorced and the kids graduate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She’ll drop you as soon as she’s officially divorced. Happened to me just recently (I even posted a thread here about a partner who omitted telling he was finalizing his divorce). I heard men saying it happened to them, too. Which is why nobody wants to date separated people

Forgot to add his divorce was bitter in court and he was not telling me any of that. He dropped me 3 weeks after it was final

What's the psychology behind this, I don't understand?

I can understand BEING dumped when your divorce is made final by someone who is afraid of committment.

The psychology behind it is very complex: he projected many things from what his exW did to me; he probably was just in the beginning of his dating spree, but represented it to me like he dated for couple years and I didn’t want to be someone’s “post divorce trial”; he was also set in ways, super sensitive and inflexible. Many factors that I would have taken into consideration, before having second with him, if I had known where he was in that process. Maybe I wouldn’t be too pushy with things knowing his stage in life as well.