Parents who drink and then drive with teens/tweens
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Anonymous
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The short question is how do you feel being at a gathering of families with tweens and teens and parents drinking alcohol and then driving? It makes me uncomfortable and I'm wondering how others feel or if there's a good way to handle it?
The long background is that my family has been part of a group where we alternate houses every other Saturday for board games. It used to be in the afternoon but with kids sports we've moved it to an evening or night get together. Pizza is served and desserts and drinks are potluck style. Usually soda is served and sometimes beers. A new family joined a couple months ago and they've been bringing signature cocktails and others have started bringing more wine. Basically it used to be a couple of the dads having beers and now most of the parents are drinking. The other change is that the group started as a neighborhood thing where we all walked but a couple members moved farther out since covid and now more people are driving half the time. I understand most adults can handle a drink with a meal and be fine to drive. But now more alcohol is present and there have been a few cases (mainly with the new "fun" cocktail family) where someone seemed borderline to drive and wouldn't accept a ride. I worry now that the kids, most in 6 to 8th grade are watching this and getting the wrong lessons. I really have liked the group, but is there a constructive way to bring up these concerns or better just to opt out? I started a conversation with one of the other moms but backed off when she replied "wasn't that last cocktail delicious? I have to get the recipe!" I feel like an idiot for backing away from the hard topics because if I can't do it how can I expect my kids to do it in a few years? Can anyone relate? |
Anonymous
| I feel like you do but my kids are now a bit older. We always decide who is DD before either of us start drinking. I hate for my kids to see adults drinking irresponsibly and we have always sent a clear and consistent message to our kids that drinking and driving is never acceptable. Now that our kids are driving age we emphasize that the best way to avoid a lapse in judgment is to figure out how one will get home before drinking. You can’t control what other adults do unfortunately. The kids are definitely watching. |
Anonymous
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Just keep emphasizing to your kids that one of you remains sober to drive and they will figure out the rest. The key is to be consistent--and not a hypocrite. If they ask about the other parents you can re-iterate your position. You can't control the other families but if you stepped back that would be understandable.
You are right to be concerned and those others may be on the slippery slope to alcohol misuse if they aren't there already. |
Anonymous
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Yes, I can relate. I feel pretty isolated in my concern about this kind of stuff in my own life. My daughter’s friends have parents who drink at absolutely every kind of event. For a while it wasn’t a big deal until I realized they were all driving home from these events. There was a drunk driving incident outside our country club involving a woman who left a big gathering, hit multiple cars while pulling out of her street parking spot, ran away from her car, and tried to get her husband to convince the cops that he was the driver. She somehow escaped a DUI even though everyone in our neighborhood knows about it.
Then a good friend’s sibling put someone in the ICU after crashing into them after a dinner out that included drinking. I won’t even get into the people that drink while their small kids are swimming in a lake. After these events I stopped attending drinking events and only have a drink if it is 1:1 with another family or couple and we all agree that we’ll walk or have designated drivers. No way am I getting caught up in that mess. These situations are always fine until they’re not. |
Anonymous
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4 or less drinks it’s no big deal.
Drinking 4+ drinks is a bad idea. Doesn’t matter how old the kids are. |
Anonymous
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Yes your children are watching.
I think one of you doesn’t drink and you discuss it openly with your kids when you’re driving. That’s what we do. In this situation you are walking but in others you will be driving. Discuss it in the car on the way there. Talk to them about the borderline drunk parent driving and why it’s problematic. It’s an opportunity for conversation. |
Anonymous
This is insane. Many women will be trashed after 4 drinks. I would be. |
Anonymous
| It's good to model responsible social drinking for teens. Extremes just confuse kids and send the wrong messages. |
Anonymous
Know yourself but most people can have 1 drink an hour and be fine. I suspect many of you have alcoholism in your family and have disordered thinking around alcohol Normal adults can have a few drinks on game night. It’s fine. |
Anonymous
You are the one normalizing problematic drinking behavior to make yourself feel better. CDC definition of binge drinking is 4 drinks in an evening for a woman. For people who do not drink fairly regularly, which most people don’t, 4 drinks even at one per hour will get you drunk. And I do drink socially so not anti-drinking. And no alcoholism in my family. |
Anonymous
Youre normalizing catastrophizing. |
Anonymous
One drink does it to me! There are some heavy drinkers out there! |
Anonymous
How did you arrive at this arbitrary number? Are you blowing into a breathalyzer to determine this? This sort of thinking is why drivers continue to get into cars and hurt others. I worked in transportation safety research many years ago and we measured BAC over time as subjects ingested drinks. We also gave them field sobriety tests. People are notoriously bad at judging how alcohol affects them. If you drink 4 drinks over a few hours, please call an Uber. |
Anonymous
We trained cadets on roadside sobriety. We gave people drinks over time and had them test and then BAC them. Game night is 4-6 hours. Sure a 110 lb chick starved herself to stay thin is different but don’t be an idiot, we are talking in generalizations. Average people who eat normal. 4 - 1.5 oz liquor, 5 oz wine or 12oz beer over 4-6 hrs. Yes you are legally safe to drive. I suspect you’re pouring 3 oz drinks, 9 oz wines and 16 oz beers. |
Anonymous
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That is a tricky situation, OP.
I think what I would do is to be sure either you or your husband refrain from drinking, to show your kids how to be responsible with a designated driver. My husband and I do this when we go out to eat dinner, we trade off and one time it's my turn for a glass of wine, then the next is his turn for a cocktail. While we're probably fine to drive after just one drink, we don't risk it and our kids see that. And I think that's really all you can do, short of risking alienating the others by bringing it up to them, or stopping going altogether, is to model appropriate behavior for your kids and continue to talk to them about it. "You see how Dad and I decide who gets to have an adult beverage, while the other is the driver..." |