If Your Spouse is Ugly / Funny Looking

[Anonymous]

Don't hate me. I know it sounds terrible. But you would also find his appearance startling. (Think most facial features are misshapen or too large/small, body is not typically proportioned, etc.) My friends were shocked that I married him, based on looks. They are not shallow people; we are talking about extremes here.

So here's the thing. I married him because I thought he was smart, steady and kind-hearted. I'd be lying if I didn't say I preferred lights off at night, eyes closed. I could still enjoy the touch and intimacy because I did really love him. Sometimes, I admit to being startled by his appearance, after say, a long business trip.

Twenty years later, I've learned he is not who I thought he was. He is not a bad person, but he is also not a good person. He is colorless and selfish. He has been uncaring (never cruel!) with our special needs child.

I always discounted physical attraction, thinking it shallow. But now that I have so little to grasp, what is there to hold on to? I married him DESPITE his looks, thinking there were all these other wonderful qualities. That was my mistake, a foolish youthful projection. But now the things that always bothered me about his looks have moved to the forefront. Is that crazy? Do any of you find your spouses looks a big turn off, and how do you deal with it?

FWIW, DH is proud of how I look and that I attract people's attention. I actually find this very shallow of him. So many contradictory feelings!

[Anonymous]

Honey, you don't need our permission to divorce someone. If you want to do it, do it.

[Anonymous]

It sounds bad to my ears, yes

[Anonymous]

Do want you want

[Anonymous]

I think you're actually letting yourself get distracted by the issue of his looks, OP. It's probably easier to focus on that than to let yourself dig deeper into the fact that you feel his personality is not what you let yourself believe it was for so long. And (I'm going to be blunt here), you need to ask yourself and answer honestly--maybe you also married him as a way to show the world, and prove to yourself on some level, that you were Not A Shallow Person and you See Past Exteriors. I'm not saying you are shallow, not at all! I'm just saying you might need to step back and assess frankly whether that might have been a motivation, though likely one you didn't fully realize you even had. And it'll be hard to accept, if it's true.

But all that aside: You're letting the looks issue get ahead of the real, bigger issue: You don't like the personality you married, plus the personality is coming out much more now that you have an SN child.

There is a lot to unpack with this relationship and your feelings about him, and his looks complicate what otherwise might be a more straightforward "he's not the person I thought he was" issue. Right now it can be difficult to find a therapist who is taking any new patients, but your situation truly calls for professional outside help to ask you some very tough questions and help you figure out whether there is a salvageable marriage here. You will get a LOT of knee-jerk "just divorce him" posts on this site but we don't know you, or him. I would say, get individual therapy for you ASAP, even if you have to go outside insurance for a while and pay privately, because you need to sort through more than just "he's distant with our kid" here.

[Anonymous]

I agree the looks are a red herring. I married someone I found really attractive but everyone ages, you know? Neither attractivenes nor the lack is the glue keeping us together now. It becomes less relevant.

It’s interesting that you are couching the whole thing around looks, though. Do you think you’d be happy with a lousy guy with a great face and body? Do you feel on some level that your husband owes you, for marrying him despite his looks?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree the looks are a red herring. I married someone I found really attractive but everyone ages, you know? Neither attractivenes nor the lack is the glue keeping us together now. It becomes less relevant.

It’s interesting that you are couching the whole thing around looks, though. Do you think you’d be happy with a lousy guy with a great face and body? Do you feel on some level that your husband owes you, for marrying him despite his looks?

I'm the PP from 14:35 and this post above is spot on, OP. Especially the last sentence.

This just further makes me think that you need to delve into this deeply with a therapist, OP. Considering that you describe your DH's looks as truly extraordinarliy unusual (and not in a good way), you're in territory most of us here will not have experienced personally. We can raise questions for you to consider but can't fully engage in a "been there, done that" way, based on what you're describing. Which is why professional help is important.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I think you're actually letting yourself get distracted by the issue of his looks, OP. It's probably easier to focus on that than to let yourself dig deeper into the fact that you feel his personality is not what you let yourself believe it was for so long. And (I'm going to be blunt here), you need to ask yourself and answer honestly--maybe you also married him as a way to show the world, and prove to yourself on some level, that you were Not A Shallow Person and you See Past Exteriors. I'm not saying you are shallow, not at all! I'm just saying you might need to step back and assess frankly whether that might have been a motivation, though likely one you didn't fully realize you even had. And it'll be hard to accept, if it's true.

But all that aside: You're letting the looks issue get ahead of the real, bigger issue: You don't like the personality you married, plus the personality is coming out much more now that you have an SN child.

There is a lot to unpack with this relationship and your feelings about him, and his looks complicate what otherwise might be a more straightforward "he's not the person I thought he was" issue. Right now it can be difficult to find a therapist who is taking any new patients, but your situation truly calls for professional outside help to ask you some very tough questions and help you figure out whether there is a salvageable marriage here. You will get a LOT of knee-jerk "just divorce him" posts on this site but we don't know you, or him. I would say, get individual therapy for you ASAP, even if you have to go outside insurance for a while and pay privately, because you need to sort through more than just "he's distant with our kid" here.

OP here. Are you a therapist? You certainly have a talent for getting to the heart of the issue.

I do have a therapist. It's hard to be honest with her because she moved into my subdivision recently. Oh man, a lovely 5-year relationship down the drain. I should probably switch.

To be honest, I'm no peach either. I come from an abusive family and have coped by being a people pleaser. I often doubt if I'm a reasonable person and wonder if I have unrealistic expectations. Hence me asking a public forum on whether my focus on looks is crazy. (And yes, I hear you when you say it's not just looks. But truly, the looks have ALWAYS been an issue, it's just a bigger one now.) :p

[Anonymous]

I wonder if you married him partly to prove you aren't shallow?

[Anonymous]

DCUM is such a weird place

[Anonymous]

I did, and also experiencing the “bit the person I thought he was” syndrome.

I think there is a feeling that somehow choosing someone unattractive that they would be less likely to disappoint us in the long run. Even though, I fully embrace that is flawed and even narcissistic logic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I think you're actually letting yourself get distracted by the issue of his looks, OP. It's probably easier to focus on that than to let yourself dig deeper into the fact that you feel his personality is not what you let yourself believe it was for so long. And (I'm going to be blunt here), you need to ask yourself and answer honestly--maybe you also married him as a way to show the world, and prove to yourself on some level, that you were Not A Shallow Person and you See Past Exteriors. I'm not saying you are shallow, not at all! I'm just saying you might need to step back and assess frankly whether that might have been a motivation, though likely one you didn't fully realize you even had. And it'll be hard to accept, if it's true.

But all that aside: You're letting the looks issue get ahead of the real, bigger issue: You don't like the personality you married, plus the personality is coming out much more now that you have an SN child.

There is a lot to unpack with this relationship and your feelings about him, and his looks complicate what otherwise might be a more straightforward "he's not the person I thought he was" issue. Right now it can be difficult to find a therapist who is taking any new patients, but your situation truly calls for professional outside help to ask you some very tough questions and help you figure out whether there is a salvageable marriage here. You will get a LOT of knee-jerk "just divorce him" posts on this site but we don't know you, or him. I would say, get individual therapy for you ASAP, even if you have to go outside insurance for a while and pay privately, because you need to sort through more than just "he's distant with our kid" here.

OP here. Are you a therapist? You certainly have a talent for getting to the heart of the issue.

I do have a therapist. It's hard to be honest with her because she moved into my subdivision recently. Oh man, a lovely 5-year relationship down the drain. I should probably switch.

To be honest, I'm no peach either. I come from an abusive family and have coped by being a people pleaser. I often doubt if I'm a reasonable person and wonder if I have unrealistic expectations. Hence me asking a public forum on whether my focus on looks is crazy. (And yes, I hear you when you say it's not just looks. But truly, the looks have ALWAYS been an issue, it's just a bigger one now.) :p

I'm the PP to whom you're responding. Ack, no fun having your therapist become your neighbor, I'm sure! Still: Have you told her, in exactly the words you use above: "It's hard to be honest with you because you moved into our subdivision recently"? I would say those exact words to her. I'd bet it's occurred to her too that maybe you're holding back now because she lives near you. But if you don't have kids who will be in the same schools at the same times (so you won't be running into each other at school as parents), or if you and she won't end up seeing each other socially--you don't have to let her address dictate that you change shrinks, if she has been helfpul in the past. TELL her about the concern and see what you both feel after you discuss it!

Then, with her or a new therapist -- please be very blunt about the whole looks/personality issue re: your DH. You can spend years and years more struggling to like him (and it sounds like you don't even like the person beneath the looks) or you can air it with a therapist and figure out if you need to move on. Don't throw away your emotional investment in your marriage instantly, but also, don't keep investing if you realize you should not stay. In your circumstances it sounds as if a good therapist could help you step away from what is a more complicated set of factors than in other troubled marriages. Good luck, OP. Rooting for you to do what is best for you and most honest for your own future.

[Anonymous]

I think if you loved him and were attracted to him, you wouldn't even see his looks.

[Anonymous]

I’ll date him when you are done. Guys usually go back to the bedrock when get get divorced

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wonder if you married him partly to prove you aren't shallow?

I wonder if she married him for his $...