Scared of ADHD child/emotional dysregulation
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Anonymous
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DS is only 10, so I still outweigh him. But once a week or so we have a horrible event, typically in the morning before his meds kick in. This morning seemed perfectly lovely and out of no where he started spitting huge chunks of chewed up food around the kitchen. So gross. Then tried to flip his cup, which was full of water. Upon being sent upstairs he went in his brothers room and jumped on him. Then I put him in his room, and he started screaming obscenities at me, picked up a chair and began beating it against the door. I went in, took the chair and told him I would spank him if he didn’t stop. Of course he couldn’t, and I know this, but I spanked him 2xs. Which stopped all the crazy but only because he was crying on the floor.
Just a horrible morning. Usually my son is calm, kind and sweet but every now and then we have a day like this. I don’t know what to do or how to handle it. I’m scared what this will look like in 3 years. |
Anonymous
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I say this with kindness, but spanking is the wrong answer. When you spank, you are just showing your own emotional dysregulation. And, as you’ve pointed out, it is not sustainable because eventually he will be bigger and all you will have taught him is that it’s OK for the bigger person to hit the smaller.
You need to shift to a few different things - 1) consider medication - if his emotions are so big he can’t control them, it’s really not fair to deny him this tool if appropriate 2) therapy for him to learn tools to help him identify and manage moods 3) therapy for you to support your parenting to support what he’s learning in therapy and ways you can model emotional regulation. In a temper tantrum, I would not spank. I would say calmly, Larlo, I know you’re angry but hitting isn’t an OK way to express that. Can you take a few minutes in your room to calm down a bit and then we can talk? You have to have different, more natural consequences - broken/thrown things get cleaned up, hurt people get apologies, etc. You have to do this with them at first & in a non-shameful way and teach them about making amends. You need a therapist to help you work through ideas for this and then dissect retrospectively what worked & what didn’t. |
Anonymous
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This child is already on medication, PP.
OP, is he getting therapy of any kind? |
Anonymous
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Don't spank. You can't correct a disability by spanking.
I used to wake my kid up barely enough to get her to swallow the meds, then let her sleep another 45 minutes so she was fully medicated when she woke up. |
Anonymous
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I suggest parent training for parents with kids with ADHD. I wouldn't suggest therapy for a 10-year old with ADHD.
There are several options. I like the ADHD Dude but that's my personal preference. |
Anonymous
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Op here. Thank you for the kindness and lack of judgement. We moved away from the DC area to a southern state with very few services/available therapists that aren’t preaching “Christian strategies”. We have a great child psychiatrist who monitors meds and we meet via zoom.
But finding training for me and my son-I haven’t had much luck. |
Anonymous
Then adjusting meds needs to be considered - some meds can be taken night before. Sometimes adjusting how given - Mom wakes kid to take med at 7 am but kid doesn’t have to get out of bed until 7:30 am. |
Anonymous
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It's going to be so personal to the kid, but it sounds like sending your kid to his room is escalating the situation. In my mind and in yours it would be de-escalation, but my kid thought otherwise, and so, apparently, does your kid.
Ways of de-escalating might be 1) ignore, and he cleans up whatever mess he makes later when meds kick in or before he gets to do a preferred activity or 2) you and siblings leave the room (maybe go outside and start running around and he will follow) I am so sorry I know this is hard. |
Anonymous
| Hi Op, I empathize as my son with ADHD can have some huge outbursts too. It can be soooo frustrating. You do need to stop the spanking, right away. It will not help and may be making things worse. I recommend parent training - in addition to ADHD dude Dan Shapiro has a course and it is sliding scale, pay what you can so it is very accessible. You need some more tools in your toolbox. |
Anonymous
CBT and/or DBT can be very helpful. ADHD kids have trouble labelling emotions - both in their mind and in their bodies, they typically do not have coping strategies (I’m feeling really overwhelmed, I can ask for a break or I can pause and take 5 deep breaths, I know this feeling will pass in X minutes I can set a timer, etc.) IME, it is useful for a parent to model and support these strategies, but it isn’t useful for the parent to teach them because their is so much shame and power wrapped up in the parental relationship. It’s better to have a neutral person like the therapist do the patient education piece. Your MD managing medication typically doesn’t do the patient education part and/or it’s not frequent enough. |
Anonymous
Don't worry about moving away from any parent training. Finding someone who has a realistic handle on this is difficult no matter where you are. There are solid online options. |
Anonymous
Please go to your health insurance website and find in plan therapists/psychologists. Sort by distance w/i 5 miles and accepting NPs and printout a directory. Google every name and you will see that many offer more info about their credentials and methods - CBT, DBT, ACT therapies, etc. Book and try a few and see who clicks. Call your insurance company and see how many sessions a week you can have. Many therapists will book an initial session for the parent only without the child so you can assess fit. Keep trying. Therapy is helpful. ADHD kids need to learn that they are not bad kids but they have different (equally good) brains and they need to learn different strategies to get their brain to work in the best way. |
Anonymous
I think CBT and DBT can be great for older teens. It *may* be helpful for young kids. For us, my kid may benefit when he gets older but right now he cannot apply any of the strategies or properly take in the information. This is a "know your kid" situation. |
Anonymous
Dan Shapiro's course is all virtual, I just finished it a few weeks ago. 10 sessions, sliding scale for fees so completely accessible, there are videos for homework and then you come together as a virtual group to discuss once a week. My husband and I did it together which was very helpful and got us on the same page. |
Anonymous
| If you don't have access to parent training, family therapy might also be helpful. It's probably what made the biggest difference with my child who was violent (ASD + mood disorder) until we were able to stabilize them with meds/therapy/better strategies, and also helped hold our child accountable for their behavior in ways that helped prevent it from happening again in the future. |