Scared of ADHD child/emotional dysregulation

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you don't have access to parent training, family therapy might also be helpful. It's probably what made the biggest difference with my child who was violent (ASD + mood disorder) until we were able to stabilize them with meds/therapy/better strategies, and also helped hold our child accountable for their behavior in ways that helped prevent it from happening again in the future.

Family therapy made more difference for us than I ever thought it could. Strengthening our attachment and how we work through “big feelings” was hugely helpful. OP—other than the spanking (which I’m not going to judge about) I could have written your post.

[Anonymous]

Ross Greene and the explosive child book changed my kid’s life and mine for the better. Hugely!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you don't have access to parent training, family therapy might also be helpful. It's probably what made the biggest difference with my child who was violent (ASD + mood disorder) until we were able to stabilize them with meds/therapy/better strategies, and also helped hold our child accountable for their behavior in ways that helped prevent it from happening again in the future.

Family therapy made more difference for us than I ever thought it could. Strengthening our attachment and how we work through “big feelings” was hugely helpful. OP—other than the spanking (which I’m not going to judge about) I could have written your post.

So interesting. How did you find a family therapist?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you don't have access to parent training, family therapy might also be helpful. It's probably what made the biggest difference with my child who was violent (ASD + mood disorder) until we were able to stabilize them with meds/therapy/better strategies, and also helped hold our child accountable for their behavior in ways that helped prevent it from happening again in the future.

Family therapy made more difference for us than I ever thought it could. Strengthening our attachment and how we work through “big feelings” was hugely helpful. OP—other than the spanking (which I’m not going to judge about) I could have written your post.

So interesting. How did you find a family therapist?

I’m the first pp. We asked our child’s individual therapist for recommendations, and then googled and called everyone. The one that was the top pick of our child’s therapist finally called us back and we’ve been working with him for 2.5 years now.

My child was very disregulated when we started (was in the hospital 4 times for behavioral and mental health issues the year prior), and we started out with VERY intense family therapy. 3x/week for at least 5 or 6 months. Plus the ability to make emergency calls to our therapist when needed.

We got close to stable within those 6 months, and then continued on a positive trajectory for another 6 months doing twice weekly sessions at first and dropping down to once a week eventually. I never could have imagined how helpful it’s been - truly life changing.

Just make a lot of phone calls, and do not sugar coat what’s happening. You want someone who is able to dedicate the time your family needs, and who has experience working with families in similar circumstances.

[Anonymous]

What can a family therapist do? Not being snarky. Genuinely asking what they do to help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What can a family therapist do? Not being snarky. Genuinely asking what they do to help.

The kid isn't the problem. The parent is the problem. Not talking about this situation specifically, just in general. The key is to give the parents tools to help the child. Expecting an ADHD ten year old to be capable of self regulation is cruel and unfair.

[Anonymous]

Try PM Journay, he will the take the medication in the evening and it is already in his system when he wakes up. I do think you and him need to therapy also to learn better tools on how to deal with things when they come up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What can a family therapist do? Not being snarky. Genuinely asking what they do to help.

Strengthen our connection so we more readily view things with empathy rather than having this underlying feeling that we are enemies. Have parents build skills in responding to defiance in more effective ways. Part of this included individual sessions for each parent to help understand our own triggers and patterns of responding better. Helping my son tolerate the experience of us being in charge and us not backing down when he wanted to be in charge. Helping my son manage big feelings. Other than the individual sessions for DH and me, it wasn’t talk therapy—which might be what you are picturing. It was all activity based. I feel like I learned a lot about myself and that I’m not just a better parent but better partner and co-worker. I would not have defined myself as someone who flew off the handle easily, but now I look back at some of my reactions to things at home and work and realize how over reactive I was. I definitely gained some skills. And my son and DH have changed. And how we interact has changed. A family is a system—so doing therapy as a family made sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What can a family therapist do? Not being snarky. Genuinely asking what they do to help.

The kid isn't the problem. The parent is the problem. Not talking about this situation specifically, just in general. The key is to give the parents tools to help the child. Expecting an ADHD ten year old to be capable of self regulation is cruel and unfair.

oh the parent is 100% the problem.
if you're spanking your child out of rage and desperation bc you can't control the situation then expecting them to self regulate at a quarter of your age is quite the irony.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What can a family therapist do? Not being snarky. Genuinely asking what they do to help.

The kid isn't the problem. The parent is the problem. Not talking about this situation specifically, just in general. The key is to give the parents tools to help the child. Expecting an ADHD ten year old to be capable of self regulation is cruel and unfair.

oh the parent is 100% the problem.
if you're spanking your child out of rage and desperation bc you can't control the situation then expecting them to self regulate at a quarter of your age is quite the irony.

DP. I'm not sure how telling OP that she is the problem that her DS is spitting food on the floor, jumping on his brother, and throwing chairs is a helpful post. Objectively, overreacting and/or being scared of that behavior is reasonable. What she needs is helpful advice or if you don't have that, then sympathy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What can a family therapist do? Not being snarky. Genuinely asking what they do to help.

The kid isn't the problem. The parent is the problem. Not talking about this situation specifically, just in general. The key is to give the parents tools to help the child. Expecting an ADHD ten year old to be capable of self regulation is cruel and unfair.

oh the parent is 100% the problem.
if you're spanking your child out of rage and desperation bc you can't control the situation then expecting them to self regulate at a quarter of your age is quite the irony.

DP. I'm not sure how telling OP that she is the problem that her DS is spitting food on the floor, jumping on his brother, and throwing chairs is a helpful post. Objectively, overreacting and/or being scared of that behavior is reasonable. What she needs is helpful advice or if you don't have that, then sympathy.

I have zero sympathy for someone who is hitting a child and neither should you.

Helpful advice:
1. Never ever hit your kid again
2. Therapy for you and therapy for him. Yes you have all my empathy bc I too have an out of control kid. But you don’t get to be out of control too
3. Get a ‘team’ together that includes a psychiatrist and find the right meds
4. Through your own therapies find ways to support and correct his behavior with consequences both immediate and medium term

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also read The Explosive Child. You could have Plan Ced what was happening at the breakfast table (which will make sense once you read the book) and had a much more peaceful morning. The Explosive Child is a game changer.

No, it’s really not a game changer for serious behaviors. When kids are actually explosive, they don’t have the ability to chose a Plan C. That book is totally useless.

I think OP’s best hope is to get her kid an autism diagnosis. Then she can access ABA support for the home, which will help her set up some basic disciplinary structures.

Okay, clearly you didn't actually understand the book. Kids don't choose a Plan C, Plan C is when parents decide to drop certain expectations temporarily to focus on what matters most. And you don't try to figure out mutually acceptable solutions (Plan B) while a child is in the midst of an explosion, you work on it beforehand/in calm moments.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't spank. You can't correct a disability by spanking.

I used to wake my kid up barely enough to get her to swallow the meds, then let her sleep another 45 minutes so she was fully medicated when she woke up.

And you're teaching the kid that violence is an appropriate outlet when you feel out of control.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What can a family therapist do? Not being snarky. Genuinely asking what they do to help.

The kid isn't the problem. The parent is the problem. Not talking about this situation specifically, just in general. The key is to give the parents tools to help the child. Expecting an ADHD ten year old to be capable of self regulation is cruel and unfair.

oh the parent is 100% the problem.
if you're spanking your child out of rage and desperation bc you can't control the situation then expecting them to self regulate at a quarter of your age is quite the irony.

DP. I'm not sure how telling OP that she is the problem that her DS is spitting food on the floor, jumping on his brother, and throwing chairs is a helpful post. Objectively, overreacting and/or being scared of that behavior is reasonable. What she needs is helpful advice or if you don't have that, then sympathy.

NP. Here's my helpful advice.

OP said the kid has out of control moments in the period before his meds kick in. Wake the kid up to take his meds about an hour before he gets up regularly. Then let him go back to sleep. By the time he gets up for his regular morning routine, his meds will have kicked in.

OP could also ask for another, faster acting medication to cover that period.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What can a family therapist do? Not being snarky. Genuinely asking what they do to help.

Strengthen our connection so we more readily view things with empathy rather than having this underlying feeling that we are enemies. Have parents build skills in responding to defiance in more effective ways. Part of this included individual sessions for each parent to help understand our own triggers and patterns of responding better. Helping my son tolerate the experience of us being in charge and us not backing down when he wanted to be in charge. Helping my son manage big feelings. Other than the individual sessions for DH and me, it wasn’t talk therapy—which might be what you are picturing. It was all activity based. I feel like I learned a lot about myself and that I’m not just a better parent but better partner and co-worker. I would not have defined myself as someone who flew off the handle easily, but now I look back at some of my reactions to things at home and work and realize how over reactive I was. I definitely gained some skills. And my son and DH have changed. And how we interact has changed. A family is a system—so doing therapy as a family made sense.

Are you in the DC area? Can you share the family therapist's name?