Unsupportive spouse health issue

[Anonymous]

I recently had surgery that has made me dependent on others for the most basic tasks, like getting in and out of bed. My spouse will help me when I ask, but complains about it and makes it obvious they feel put upon. This makes me feel like I can’t ask them for help and makes me feel unsupported and disappointed. (If you can’t depend on your spouse in times like this, who can you depend on?)

Knowing that my spouse isn’t good when times are tough, I hired someone to help out but we can only afford so manyhours a day. Our kids are being helpful, but have activities if their own. My mom came to help, but she’s elderly and very limited in her physical abilities. Bottom line, how do I get my spouse to be more helpful? I’ve expressed gratitude for every little thing they do, and I do what I am able to do to be kind and thoughtful- like massaging their hands for example. Is there a way to get my partner to have a better attitude about helping out in my post-op recovery? It is just so hurtful to see that ensuring my well-being is an irritation, rather than a priority.

[Anonymous]

I’m surprised they’d discharge you home if you’re unable to get out of bed independently. Did you do a consult with occupational therapy before or after the surgery?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m surprised they’d discharge you home if you’re unable to get out of bed independently. Did you do a consult with occupational therapy before or after the surgery?

It’s outpatient surgery.

[Anonymous]

“Hey Bob, what’s up with the attitude? I hear sighs and see eye rolls when I need help. You seem really annoyed at helping me, your spouse, who at the moment isn’t fully functioning. Am I an inconvenience? What’s going on?”

Be direct or say nothing. You’re tiptoeing around rude behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m surprised they’d discharge you home if you’re unable to get out of bed independently. Did you do a consult with occupational therapy before or after the surgery?

How long ago was your surgery? It does seem odd that you were not given training to be able to do more for yourself.

[Anonymous]

What type of outpatient surgery?

[Anonymous]

Does your spouse ask you to massage their hands? Or are you doing it because you think it is something they want you to do? If so, look at how many "yous" are in that sentence. There is difference between having needs and being needy.

It does suck to not be able to take care of yourself, but you do need to accept your temporary limitations. How many times are you trying to get in and out of your bed? My mother had half a dozen times of limited mobility, rather than just sit on the couch to watch TV, read, or hang out, she expected someone to be there to let her up every time she wanted to get up. No consideration for the other person. Not exaggerating to say 40 times a day including a half dozen times throughout the night. Then she complained that we didn't want to help her, her loss of freedom...and just spiraled from there.

[Anonymous]

Are you getting home PT and OT? Does your doctor know how limited your mobility is?

[Anonymous]

Maybe you need to talk to your doctor about going to an inpatient rehab. For an outpatient surgery, it seems like you have very limited mobility and need more support than average.

[Anonymous]

Was it cosmetic surgery so your spouse is just generally annoyed about the whole thing?

[Anonymous]

Was this elective surgery that spouse didn’t agree with your getting?

[Anonymous]

So you have hired help, your mom, kids and your spouse helps some, and you still need more help? I am curious about the details.

I took care of my mom when she had surgery, including bathing her, dressing her, heating up her food and helping her move positions on bed. Most of the work was getting her ready in the morning and getting her ready for bed at night. I'd say 2 hours total for these two. The rest was easier and any additional help would have made all the difference.

What kind of surgery did you do that requires that much care that you have all this help and are still unsatisfied?

[Anonymous]

I mean, I would call my husband out for being a jerk, but I’m not sure that will change anything for you.

I have a husband who cared for me after knee surgery and was totally nice about it. I had a very rough recovery and he was pretty burnt out by the end so he might not have been quite as nice after a month. He also was caring for our special needs kid who requires total care. I think you have to realize care giving is hard. And there is a difference between someone needing help for a week versus a number of weeks.

[Anonymous]

You need to do more for yourself. Yes, it will hurt some but that is expected. You sound like you are being too demanding.

[Anonymous]

What was the surgery, how long has it been since the surgery, what are your specific limitations, and when do you expect to be recovered?

I would be very disappointed if my spouse wasn’t supportive after a surgery.