Unsupportive spouse health issue

[Anonymous]

I know this isn't what you asked, but my husband SUCKS at this type of care too (though he is a good, caring, generous spouse in general).

When I have had surgery (mastectomy, reconstruction), I've had a girlfriend stay with me to take care of me, and had DH pick up all other household responsibilities + kids and dog.

Maybe I could work on my husband more to be a better caregiver, but I just didn't want that stressful dynamic post-surgery. If this is your first time having surgery, maybe this is will help you plan better for other medical needs.

If you can, I'd try to get help from friends, family or paid, and pass along other responsibilities to DH.

Sorry you are going through this. Wishing you a speedy recovery.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is very typical for men. Part of it is innate and the other part is that they simply aren’t expected to put others first. So when they are asked to actually help and put someone first it’s a huge change and they are majorly put out.

Good luck. I’d tell him how he’s acting and remind him he’s of the gender more likely to get sick and die first. Meaning he will likely be relying on you to care for him in the future. Would be wise for him to get with the program now.

What bull shite. It isn't innate. Go back to 1950 grandma.

[Anonymous]

Ugh just commiseration OP. My DH is exactly the same way. He is also the one who, when I’m sick, is more concerned about contracting the illness than me. He is just not a caring person, so glad I’m stuck with him 🙄

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ugh just commiseration OP. My DH is exactly the same way. He is also the one who, when I’m sick, is more concerned about contracting the illness than me. He is just not a caring person, so glad I’m stuck with him 🙄

And you married him why?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m surprised they’d discharge you home if you’re unable to get out of bed independently. Did you do a consult with occupational therapy before or after the surgery?

I’m not. Hospitals nowadays boot you out as soon as you’re not actively in a medical crisis (which OP isn’t). Also, they surely knew she had a spouse and expected they would help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh just commiseration OP. My DH is exactly the same way. He is also the one who, when I’m sick, is more concerned about contracting the illness than me. He is just not a caring person, so glad I’m stuck with him 🙄

And you married him why?

Because he was a different person back in his 20s and I had not had any need for him to support me post surgery until after I had my kids. Has just gotten worse and worse in all aspects.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to do more for yourself. Yes, it will hurt some but that is expected. You sound like you are being too demanding.

NP. What is with you and other posters choosing to bash OP and not address the real question? OP is not here to talk about the surgery, what kind it was, why OP was sent home when OP was sent home, blah blah...OP wants to know what to do re: a spouse who is not willingly or kindly helping and who seems to show no concern in OP's eyes. JFC, this forum is full of "hate the OP" posters, not just on this post but on most posts for a while now. How about answering OP's question as OP asked it and not focusing on details you don't know like how much pain OP is in and whether OP should just tough it out?

To OP, be direct. Very direct. When the kids are settled and not likely to come in and when mom is not around, tell your spouse you need to have a frank and blunt talk, and say that you want to be clear you need more day to day, hands-on assistance than paid caregivers and an elderly mom can provide, but you perceive that spouse is resentful and balky about helping you physically. I'd ask spouse: Is this because you don't like the idea of illness/injury in general? (Some people are just crap whenever others are not physically perfect, frankly, and freak out about injury/illness/surgery. That is NOT an excuse and spouse should suck it up). Or is it because you (spouse) are resentful of my surgery for some reason? (Does spouse feel you "brought this on yourself" or whatever?)

I'd be clear: "I need you to help me X before the paid help gets here. It's too much for mom and the kids should not be doing this" or whatever.

List the tasks you feel you need help with, and also be blunt about how you perceive your spouse is unwilling, and ask why.

I'd also send mom home unless she's there to help with the kids. In fact I'd tell her and spouse that mom is there only for the kids. She's elderly. I bet your spouse is going, "Whew, let MIL deal with this, then." Nope. Nip that.

I’m sorry, did I miss a vote where we elected you board monitor? I didn’t think so, so your scolding and attempt to tell others what to post is unneeded.

And if she’s being a prima donna over a minor surgery and expecting him to drop everything and baby her multiple times a day, that’s absolutely relevant to the discussion. Sorry, Becky.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to do more for yourself. Yes, it will hurt some but that is expected. You sound like you are being too demanding.

NP. What is with you and other posters choosing to bash OP and not address the real question? OP is not here to talk about the surgery, what kind it was, why OP was sent home when OP was sent home, blah blah...OP wants to know what to do re: a spouse who is not willingly or kindly helping and who seems to show no concern in OP's eyes. JFC, this forum is full of "hate the OP" posters, not just on this post but on most posts for a while now. How about answering OP's question as OP asked it and not focusing on details you don't know like how much pain OP is in and whether OP should just tough it out?

To OP, be direct. Very direct. When the kids are settled and not likely to come in and when mom is not around, tell your spouse you need to have a frank and blunt talk, and say that you want to be clear you need more day to day, hands-on assistance than paid caregivers and an elderly mom can provide, but you perceive that spouse is resentful and balky about helping you physically. I'd ask spouse: Is this because you don't like the idea of illness/injury in general? (Some people are just crap whenever others are not physically perfect, frankly, and freak out about injury/illness/surgery. That is NOT an excuse and spouse should suck it up). Or is it because you (spouse) are resentful of my surgery for some reason? (Does spouse feel you "brought this on yourself" or whatever?)

I'd be clear: "I need you to help me X before the paid help gets here. It's too much for mom and the kids should not be doing this" or whatever.

List the tasks you feel you need help with, and also be blunt about how you perceive your spouse is unwilling, and ask why.

I'd also send mom home unless she's there to help with the kids. In fact I'd tell her and spouse that mom is there only for the kids. She's elderly. I bet your spouse is going, "Whew, let MIL deal with this, then." Nope. Nip that.

I’m sorry, did I miss a vote where we elected you board monitor? I didn’t think so, so your scolding and attempt to tell others what to post is unneeded.

And if she’s being a prima donna over a minor surgery and expecting him to drop everything and baby her multiple times a day, that’s absolutely relevant to the discussion. Sorry, Becky.

Are you new to DCUM? We're all about scolding! I can call out the nasty "OP is at fault" PPs all I like and if you want to call me board monitor, I don't care.

You too are free to assume that OP is "being a prima donna" all you like. And I'm free to say you know nothing about whether she is "expecting him to drop everything to baby her." Huge assumption on your part. See how that works? You're operating on nothing but your own assumptions, not on what OP's posted. Not that you care as long as you get to fabricate your own Nasty OP scenario. And I can point that out all I like. Great, isn't it?

Oh, and your attempt to make "Becky" the new "Karen" for board monitors is adorable. If you're 14.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to do more for yourself. Yes, it will hurt some but that is expected. You sound like you are being too demanding.

NP. What is with you and other posters choosing to bash OP and not address the real question? OP is not here to talk about the surgery, what kind it was, why OP was sent home when OP was sent home, blah blah...OP wants to know what to do re: a spouse who is not willingly or kindly helping and who seems to show no concern in OP's eyes. JFC, this forum is full of "hate the OP" posters, not just on this post but on most posts for a while now. How about answering OP's question as OP asked it and not focusing on details you don't know like how much pain OP is in and whether OP should just tough it out?

To OP, be direct. Very direct. When the kids are settled and not likely to come in and when mom is not around, tell your spouse you need to have a frank and blunt talk, and say that you want to be clear you need more day to day, hands-on assistance than paid caregivers and an elderly mom can provide, but you perceive that spouse is resentful and balky about helping you physically. I'd ask spouse: Is this because you don't like the idea of illness/injury in general? (Some people are just crap whenever others are not physically perfect, frankly, and freak out about injury/illness/surgery. That is NOT an excuse and spouse should suck it up). Or is it because you (spouse) are resentful of my surgery for some reason? (Does spouse feel you "brought this on yourself" or whatever?)

I'd be clear: "I need you to help me X before the paid help gets here. It's too much for mom and the kids should not be doing this" or whatever.

List the tasks you feel you need help with, and also be blunt about how you perceive your spouse is unwilling, and ask why.

I'd also send mom home unless she's there to help with the kids. In fact I'd tell her and spouse that mom is there only for the kids. She's elderly. I bet your spouse is going, "Whew, let MIL deal with this, then." Nope. Nip that.

I’m sorry, did I miss a vote where we elected you board monitor? I didn’t think so, so your scolding and attempt to tell others what to post is unneeded.

And if she’s being a prima donna over a minor surgery and expecting him to drop everything and baby her multiple times a day, that’s absolutely relevant to the discussion. Sorry, Becky.

Are you new to DCUM? We're all about scolding! I can call out the nasty "OP is at fault" PPs all I like and if you want to call me board monitor, I don't care.

You too are free to assume that OP is "being a prima donna" all you like. And I'm free to say you know nothing about whether she is "expecting him to drop everything to baby her." Huge assumption on your part. See how that works? You're operating on nothing but your own assumptions, not on what OP's posted. Not that you care as long as you get to fabricate your own Nasty OP scenario. And I can point that out all I like. Great, isn't it?

Oh, and your attempt to make "Becky" the new "Karen" for board monitors is adorable. If you're 14.

DP. She isn’t “unable” to get out of bed. She just doesn’t want to without pampering. That isn’t “nasty,” but her husband probably got the post-op instructions that she should, and she doesn’t remember them because she was still feeling the Versed. Even worse if she is on narcotics.

I have done several post-op cares for my mother, and her drug-induced haze memory is far from reality. I told her next time she has to go to a rehab because I couldn’t make her do the things the doc said she had to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is very typical for men. Part of it is innate and the other part is that they simply aren’t expected to put others first. So when they are asked to actually help and put someone first it’s a huge change and they are majorly put out.

Good luck. I’d tell him how he’s acting and remind him he’s of the gender more likely to get sick and die first. Meaning he will likely be relying on you to care for him in the future. Would be wise for him to get with the program now.

What bull shite. It isn't innate. Go back to 1950 grandma.

So you think there truly isn’t any sort of biological reason that women would be better caregivers? You think it’s all social conditioning and that if nurture were different, men would be just as good of caregivers as women? That they’d want to give up careers to stay home with kids, decorate nurseries, “nest”, etc?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“Hey Bob, what’s up with the attitude? I hear sighs and see eye rolls when I need help. You seem really annoyed at helping me, your spouse, who at the moment isn’t fully functioning. Am I an inconvenience? What’s going on?”

Be direct or say nothing. You’re tiptoeing around rude behavior.

+1. Read him the riot act.

Piss spouse off, that always works out.

Right now, OP, you are a task/chore. Approach it as you would any other joint chore with your spouse. Set up expectations, be willing to compromise, come up with a plan. Example, "Bob at 10:00 a.m. will you help me get to the living room couch. I'll probably stay there until about noon. We can order in or have lunch delivered, would you like to eat outside? If so what time works for you? After lunch I'll probably take a nap in the bedroom. This evening, we could watch a movie together or I could work on a puzzle by myself. I'll need some help brushing my teeth and getting changed. Would it be easier to do before or after movie/puzzle time ?"

[Anonymous]

There a recent research study that showed that men were much, much more likely to leave an ill spouse than the other way around. Something is really wrong with (some/ many) men for that to be the case. I do think they are conditioned by society to think that their needs matter more than their female partners. [insert all the normal caveats about “not all men”- my husband is very helpful/ supportive and would not be in that category]

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh just commiseration OP. My DH is exactly the same way. He is also the one who, when I’m sick, is more concerned about contracting the illness than me. He is just not a caring person, so glad I’m stuck with him 🙄

And you married him why?

Because he was a different person back in his 20s and I had not had any need for him to support me post surgery until after I had my kids. Has just gotten worse and worse in all aspects.

Same here, why does someone always have to ask this? I never would have believed the person I married 20 years ago would turn into such an a**hole once kids and life stressors started but it seems pretty common.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ugh just commiseration OP. My DH is exactly the same way. He is also the one who, when I’m sick, is more concerned about contracting the illness than me. He is just not a caring person, so glad I’m stuck with him 🙄

Same. No advice, but I'm sorry you don't feel supported. My XH was the same way after I had a c-section. Just complained that I was too emotional and that his best friend's wife didn't lay in bed for days after birth. She was up walking around and taking care of her baby hours after delivery. As for why I married him? He didn't seem to have this attitude prior to marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to do more for yourself. Yes, it will hurt some but that is expected. You sound like you are being too demanding.

NP. What is with you and other posters choosing to bash OP and not address the real question? OP is not here to talk about the surgery, what kind it was, why OP was sent home when OP was sent home, blah blah...OP wants to know what to do re: a spouse who is not willingly or kindly helping and who seems to show no concern in OP's eyes. JFC, this forum is full of "hate the OP" posters, not just on this post but on most posts for a while now. How about answering OP's question as OP asked it and not focusing on details you don't know like how much pain OP is in and whether OP should just tough it out?

To OP, be direct. Very direct. When the kids are settled and not likely to come in and when mom is not around, tell your spouse you need to have a frank and blunt talk, and say that you want to be clear you need more day to day, hands-on assistance than paid caregivers and an elderly mom can provide, but you perceive that spouse is resentful and balky about helping you physically. I'd ask spouse: Is this because you don't like the idea of illness/injury in general? (Some people are just crap whenever others are not physically perfect, frankly, and freak out about injury/illness/surgery. That is NOT an excuse and spouse should suck it up). Or is it because you (spouse) are resentful of my surgery for some reason? (Does spouse feel you "brought this on yourself" or whatever?)

I'd be clear: "I need you to help me X before the paid help gets here. It's too much for mom and the kids should not be doing this" or whatever.

List the tasks you feel you need help with, and also be blunt about how you perceive your spouse is unwilling, and ask why.

I'd also send mom home unless she's there to help with the kids. In fact I'd tell her and spouse that mom is there only for the kids. She's elderly. I bet your spouse is going, "Whew, let MIL deal with this, then." Nope. Nip that.

I’m sorry, did I miss a vote where we elected you board monitor? I didn’t think so, so your scolding and attempt to tell others what to post is unneeded.

And if she’s being a prima donna over a minor surgery and expecting him to drop everything and baby her multiple times a day, that’s absolutely relevant to the discussion. Sorry, Becky.

Are you new to DCUM? We're all about scolding! I can call out the nasty "OP is at fault" PPs all I like and if you want to call me board monitor, I don't care.

You too are free to assume that OP is "being a prima donna" all you like. And I'm free to say you know nothing about whether she is "expecting him to drop everything to baby her." Huge assumption on your part. See how that works? You're operating on nothing but your own assumptions, not on what OP's posted. Not that you care as long as you get to fabricate your own Nasty OP scenario. And I can point that out all I like. Great, isn't it?

Oh, and your attempt to make "Becky" the new "Karen" for board monitors is adorable. If you're 14.

DP. She isn’t “unable” to get out of bed. She just doesn’t want to without pampering. That isn’t “nasty,” but her husband probably got the post-op instructions that she should, and she doesn’t remember them because she was still feeling the Versed. Even worse if she is on narcotics.

I have done several post-op cares for my mother, and her drug-induced haze memory is far from reality. I told her next time she has to go to a rehab because I couldn’t make her do the things the doc said she had to do.

Ah, now it's clear: You're projecting your experience with your mom onto the OP's experience. You simply assume OP demands "pampering" and You Don't Pamper, we sure get that. Sorry, but OP is not your mom, and her DH is not you, and you have zero ways to be so very certain OP is dealing with a "drug-induced haze memory" based on post-op instructions or anything else. You also have no idea what OP wants or how much it hurts or doesn't hurt her to get out of bed.