Is this normal? Therapy related

[Anonymous]

So I’m seeing a therapist for issues that I have now as a forty something. It’s been a couple months now. I started because I was in a traumatic car accident last year and I’m still having PTSD symptoms. In preparation for doing EMDR, my therapist and I have been practicing memory reprocessing on less traumatic memories and she’s been asking questions about my childhood and adolescence.

This led to her uncovering the fact that I have a big self worth problem, in that I have very little. I already knew this about myself (I’ve had an eating disorder since 14, for example, mostly manageable but periodically not) and didn’t think it was relevant or related to my PTSD symptoms but she seemed surprised and wanted to explore it further. I assumed my lack of self confidence or self esteem or whatever you want to call it was just part of my personality type, which is highly anxious. I’ve always had this undercurrent of self hatred and anxiety running through my life. I’ve never felt good enough in anything that I do. I can’t even remember when it started, that’s how far back it goes. But isn’t that really common? I frankly assumed everyone experiences this, to some degree, based on the things they say. Doesn’t it seem like most women in our society secretly hate themselves? Don’t we constantly get the message that it’s literally not possible for us to be “good enough” in any area of life from appearance, to work, to parenting, etc.? Whatever we’re doing, we’re told to do more and better.

Anyway, my therapist doesn’t agree and thinks this is the crux of my issue with my traumatic memory. Basically, she thinks I’m subconsciously stuck in the memory because I’m essentially using it to punish myself. She keeps trying to link this to things I have told her about my parents. Narratively and logically, this actually makes a certain amount of sense. But at the same time, there is a big part of me that instinctively rejects it. I feel like there is something extremely immature and cliched about blaming all of your problems on your parents in your forties? Is this how all therapy goes? You have a problem and it must have started in childhood by your parents?

At any rate, even if this is true, I don’t know what good dwelling on it now will do me. It’s not like I’m going to be able to suddenly start loving myself just because I know where my self esteem problems come from.

Sorry this is turning into such a novel. If you e read this far, does this sound normal to you? Does all therapy go back to childhood wounds? How does this actually help us as adults? I struggle to see where this is going and how it’s going to help me.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I should add that I was diagnosed with postpartum anxiety over ten years and I’ve been taking some level of Zoloft ever since. I bumped up to my current dose of 150 mg during the pandemic and that actually has been really beneficial for me. I stopped hyper fixating on certain worries and anxieties and I feel like it has helped me to be more normal about things like my husband going out of town for work. So I do have an actual biochemical problem with anxiety.

[Anonymous]

I agree with your therapist. Just do the work is what I would suggest. If you need scientific evidence read “the body keeps the score”.

[Anonymous]

I’ve never hated myself and rarely have anxiety. Maybe before a big meeting or when I got lost alone at night in a foreign country, or things like that. But it’s more temporarily nervous for a few minutes than anxiety.

[Anonymous]

Your therapist is on the right track. You have resistance to it, which is normal. I don’t think it sounds like your therapist is making everything about childhood either, she’s just trying to help you because there clearly is childhood stuff there that may be part of the lack of self worth you feel now.

[Anonymous]

I agree with your therapist that there is something in your childhood you are either hiding or you think it is "normal" and it's not.

I'm glad you are seeking EMDR, it is very effective.

No it's not normal to hate yourself. I hated my hair at times, I hated my nose for about 6 months, but I never hated myself and I'm not all that great looking.

Just get it all out there, spill the beans.

[Anonymous]

Also, your not going to dwell on it. Your going to say it out loud, see how that has informed your opinion of yourself or your actions and then move on.

[Anonymous]

You and your therapist should agree on your therapy goals and the tools to achieve them. I would also be very put off if my therapist pushed me to discussing or doing something that I didn’t want to do. My current therapist sometimes brings up some work he thinks I should do but doesn’t push it if I am not receptive.

You came to therapy for a specific goal and tool (EMDR) and you are entitled to focus on that.

Separately it’s entirely possible that you can improve any distressing patterns based on your anxiety and self-criticism. I work on that all the time with my CBT therapist. But we rarely go into my childhood. Since the problem is in the here and now, that’s where we address it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your therapist is on the right track. You have resistance to it, which is normal. I don’t think it sounds like your therapist is making everything about childhood either, she’s just trying to help you because there clearly is childhood stuff there that may be part of the lack of self worth you feel now.

No, thid is is not necessarily true. Notions like “resistance” and that analyzing your childhood is the key to resolving adult difficulties are part of a psychological approach that OP did not sign up for. OP wants EMDR for PTSD. That’s why she came to therapy. Not to do some money-wasting Freudian dithering.

[Anonymous]

OP, good for you for seeking out therapy and being open to what comes from it. That takes guts.

FWIW, I think your therapist is doing exactly the right thing so I'd encourage you to try to keep an open mind and allow the conversations to go where they will. My experience has been that I really did not begin to comprehend how events from my childhood were governing my day to day mindset/actions/reactions... And I'm in my 50's. I really thought i had my stuff together.

And I do. But I'm also unbelievably and unrelentingly hard on myself (in many of the ways you mention, and others). And I am discovering that some of my instinctive reactions and feelings really are connected to what I experiences as a child. It's pretty disturbing actually. BUT - once I discover something in that vein, my therapist and i kind of take it out and look at it. It can be upsetting. It can be confusing. It can change how I think about myself. Almost always though, it results in some positive change.

I understand myself better now. And I am kinder to myself. (I still have a way to go on that but I'm making progress.) And as these things move from a subconscious level to a conscious level - where I can actually look at them as an adult (and with my therapist's help) they change. They lose some of their power over me, or I gain more control over them and my reactions.

That gives me more breathing room in unexpected ways. I'm more relaxed as a mom, I'm a little more patient as a spouse, I'm less likely to overreact to a small thing, I'm more able to allow myself to be human, etc...

I agree w/ the pp also - you won't be dwelling, you'll be discovering - discussing and then evolving. And the evolving part is really pretty cool.

So my strong advice, having been in the uncomfortable place you're discovering, is that it is worth the work of putting up with the discomfort, exploring what you think you'd rather not look at, and letting this stranger guide you. Give it a shot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You and your therapist should agree on your therapy goals and the tools to achieve them. I would also be very put off if my therapist pushed me to discussing or doing something that I didn’t want to do. My current therapist sometimes brings up some work he thinks I should do but doesn’t push it if I am not receptive.

You came to therapy for a specific goal and tool (EMDR) and you are entitled to focus on that.

Separately it’s entirely possible that you can improve any distressing patterns based on your anxiety and self-criticism. I work on that all the time with my CBT therapist. But we rarely go into my childhood. Since the problem is in the here and now, that’s where we address it.

Based on what she says in her OP, it sounds like the therapist doesn’t think EMDR will help until they figure out what the real underlying issue is, which would explain why the OP didn’t process the memory in a healthy way in the first place. It got stuck in her body for a reason and the therapist wants to know why before they start working on that. Makes sense to me based on my past experience with EMDR. It’s very routine to practice on less emotional memories and talk about what that brings up for the patient before addressing the traumatic memory they came in for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So I’m seeing a therapist for issues that I have now as a forty something. It’s been a couple months now. I started because I was in a traumatic car accident last year and I’m still having PTSD symptoms. In preparation for doing EMDR, my therapist and I have been practicing memory reprocessing on less traumatic memories and she’s been asking questions about my childhood and adolescence.

This led to her uncovering the fact that I have a big self worth problem, in that I have very little. I already knew this about myself (I’ve had an eating disorder since 14, for example, mostly manageable but periodically not) and didn’t think it was relevant or related to my PTSD symptoms but she seemed surprised and wanted to explore it further. I assumed my lack of self confidence or self esteem or whatever you want to call it was just part of my personality type, which is highly anxious. I’ve always had this undercurrent of self hatred and anxiety running through my life. I’ve never felt good enough in anything that I do. I can’t even remember when it started, that’s how far back it goes. But isn’t that really common? I frankly assumed everyone experiences this, to some degree, based on the things they say. Doesn’t it seem like most women in our society secretly hate themselves? Don’t we constantly get the message that it’s literally not possible for us to be “good enough” in any area of life from appearance, to work, to parenting, etc.? Whatever we’re doing, we’re told to do more and better.

Anyway, my therapist doesn’t agree and thinks this is the crux of my issue with my traumatic memory. Basically, she thinks I’m subconsciously stuck in the memory because I’m essentially using it to punish myself. She keeps trying to link this to things I have told her about my parents. Narratively and logically, this actually makes a certain amount of sense. But at the same time, there is a big part of me that instinctively rejects it. I feel like there is something extremely immature and cliched about blaming all of your problems on your parents in your forties? Is this how all therapy goes? You have a problem and it must have started in childhood by your parents?

At any rate, even if this is true, I don’t know what good dwelling on it now will do me. It’s not like I’m going to be able to suddenly start loving myself just because I know where my self esteem problems come from.

Sorry this is turning into such a novel. If you e read this far, does this sound normal to you? Does all therapy go back to childhood wounds? How does this actually help us as adults? I struggle to see where this is going and how it’s going to help me.

I am a woman and don’t hate myself at all. Society might be telling me I am not good enough but I have honestly never listened or cared. What you think is “normal” might be statistically common, but you don’t have to live like that.

And yes, therapy for one thing often uncovers an underlying problem. Tell your therapist about your reaction - you are rejecting the idea that there is something wrong with constantly berating and punishing yourself because you are used to it, but if you can see that and push through it, you can learn to stop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You and your therapist should agree on your therapy goals and the tools to achieve them. I would also be very put off if my therapist pushed me to discussing or doing something that I didn’t want to do. My current therapist sometimes brings up some work he thinks I should do but doesn’t push it if I am not receptive.

You came to therapy for a specific goal and tool (EMDR) and you are entitled to focus on that.

Separately it’s entirely possible that you can improve any distressing patterns based on your anxiety and self-criticism. I work on that all the time with my CBT therapist. But we rarely go into my childhood. Since the problem is in the here and now, that’s where we address it.

Based on what she says in her OP, it sounds like the therapist doesn’t think EMDR will help until they figure out what the real underlying issue is, which would explain why the OP didn’t process the memory in a healthy way in the first place. It got stuck in her body for a reason and the therapist wants to know why before they start working on that. Makes sense to me based on my past experience with EMDR. It’s very routine to practice on less emotional memories and talk about what that brings up for the patient before addressing the traumatic memory they came in for.

That's not how EMDR works, they should be able to use EMDR to deal with the trauma of the accident without the other therapy.

But I don't think the therapist is "pushing something the OP is not receptive to", the OP is asking questions to determine if she is open to the both the EMDR and exploring why she "hated herself".

Obviously if OP doesn't really care why she hates herself, she knows there is shit in her childhood and she doesn't care and just wants to do EMDR to deal with the accident trauma, she has the right to tell her therapist that.

But the OP did not say, she did not want to do this .. she is asking questions... "doesn't everybody hate themselves" - no is the answer, "does dwelling on your past really help" - it's not dwelling it's discussing and seeing if that informs decision or feeling you have today.

I was rearended and people died in the accident. I did EMDR, to deal with the trauma. Everytime cars stop quickly I get a flash that people will die, that will never go away... but I know why I do it and I don't freak out or close my eyes due to the EMDR.

I know X happened in my childhood, I know I get very, very anxious when Y happens now. Now I know that not everybody gets anxious around Y but now I understand why I do, it' helps me not spiral or ruminate on my fear.

Here is an example how this has helped me. My friend died in a car accident when I was 17, when my 17 year old drives I get very anxious, more so than normal. I use to nag them to text me every 30 minutes... unreasonable... after therapy I told my kids. Hey my friend died when we were 17 in a car accident, I know it's unreasonable to be so anxious when you drive but this is a real fear of mine so can you have some empathy for me and remember to text when you arrive at school (somewhat reasonable)... then slowly they had to text me less and less. Now when they drive long distances, etc. I really never put 2 and 2 together and I thought, isn't everyone this anxious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You and your therapist should agree on your therapy goals and the tools to achieve them. I would also be very put off if my therapist pushed me to discussing or doing something that I didn’t want to do. My current therapist sometimes brings up some work he thinks I should do but doesn’t push it if I am not receptive.

You came to therapy for a specific goal and tool (EMDR) and you are entitled to focus on that.

Separately it’s entirely possible that you can improve any distressing patterns based on your anxiety and self-criticism. I work on that all the time with my CBT therapist. But we rarely go into my childhood. Since the problem is in the here and now, that’s where we address it.

Based on what she says in her OP, it sounds like the therapist doesn’t think EMDR will help until they figure out what the real underlying issue is, which would explain why the OP didn’t process the memory in a healthy way in the first place. It got stuck in her body for a reason and the therapist wants to know why before they start working on that. Makes sense to me based on my past experience with EMDR. It’s very routine to practice on less emotional memories and talk about what that brings up for the patient before addressing the traumatic memory they came in for.

Yeah and that is not an evidence-bases way to address PTSD. PTSD therapy does not require delving into your childhood or the “root causes” of schemas. If OP wants to have the kind of broader therapy to get into that - fine. But what she or her insurer are paying for is PTSD therapy.

[Anonymous]

No, I don't believe most women hate themselves and I don't think we constantly get the message that it's not possible for us to be good enough. And, I come from an abusive family living in the conservative, rural midwest where the patriarchy runs supreme. Certainly, there are some that loudly spew that message, men and women, but there are more who espouse the dignity and worth of every human being.

I don't know why you'd be resistant to considering your thinking is disordered. It may be painful to reflect on how you became this way but if it leads to you feeling better about yourself, wouldn't it be worth exploring? What kind of messages are you passing to your kids (and/or coworkers) with this mindset?