Advice for daughters

[Anonymous]

Any advice would you give to your daughters about building relationships with in-laws so they can have great relations yet protect their needed boundaries?

[Anonymous]

I’ve read this many times on DCUM, but it is very true and bears repeating: You don’t have in-law problems, you have husband/wife problems.

In other words, you and spouse’s first loyalty is to each other and you present united front against the in-laws on both sides. This is not to say that it is an antagonistic relationship, just that you are a family and make decisions that work best for your family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve read this many times on DCUM, but it is very true and bears repeating: You don’t have in-law problems, you have husband/wife problems.

In other words, you and spouse’s first loyalty is to each other and you present united front against the in-laws on both sides. This is not to say that it is an antagonistic relationship, just that you are a family and make decisions that work best for your family.

This. They are a new family and that's their first loyalty. So many of the complaints boil down to one spouse or one set of in laws thinking that the primary loyalty should remain with the parents

[Anonymous]

If he says “blood is thicker than water” during a heated argument, run.

[Anonymous]

Just don’t stress about it. I realized that I’d make myself crazy trying to cover for my DH to maintain the level of what I would do. I would have to nag him all the time and get in the middle of things. So I just let myself off the hook for that relationship. Do I think it’s incredibly rude of “us” when it’s November and we haven’t confirmed our holiday schedule when our in laws have offered to host us? YES. *I* would never do that. But it’s not my problem, it’s my husband’s problem. They raised him and that’s why he sucks. I can’t fix it for them now.

[Anonymous]

Nope. I'd let them work that out themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve read this many times on DCUM, but it is very true and bears repeating: You don’t have in-law problems, you have husband/wife problems.

In other words, you and spouse’s first loyalty is to each other and you present united front against the in-laws on both sides. This is not to say that it is an antagonistic relationship, just that you are a family and make decisions that work best for your family.

+1000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just don’t stress about it. I realized that I’d make myself crazy trying to cover for my DH to maintain the level of what I would do. I would have to nag him all the time and get in the middle of things. So I just let myself off the hook for that relationship. Do I think it’s incredibly rude of “us” when it’s November and we haven’t confirmed our holiday schedule when our in laws have offered to host us? YES. *I* would never do that. But it’s not my problem, it’s my husband’s problem. They raised him and that’s why he sucks. I can’t fix it for them now.

+1 Let his family know early and often that you expect your husband to be an equal partner in arranging his side’s holidays, vacations and birthdays. Direct them to your husband until they get the message. Being an owner of a vagina does not mean you’re in charge of all social niceties.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just don’t stress about it. I realized that I’d make myself crazy trying to cover for my DH to maintain the level of what I would do. I would have to nag him all the time and get in the middle of things. So I just let myself off the hook for that relationship. Do I think it’s incredibly rude of “us” when it’s November and we haven’t confirmed our holiday schedule when our in laws have offered to host us? YES. *I* would never do that. But it’s not my problem, it’s my husband’s problem. They raised him and that’s why he sucks. I can’t fix it for them now.

+1 Let his family know early and often that you expect your husband to be an equal partner in arranging his side’s holidays, vacations and birthdays. Direct them to your husband until they get the message. Being an owner of a vagina does not mean you’re in charge of all social niceties.

I organize engagements with my side, he does it with his. He's not very good at it so we don't see them often and never get them gifts, unless I'm ordering baskets for everyone, which is easy. His family makes comments as if it's my responsibility. Last christmas his mom even said, "I'm so glad you let Larlo spend Christmas with us". I responded "Oh, im not responsible for anything he does. He plans the trips to see you
I'm just along for the ride. I do the Smith side; he does the Jones side". I could almost see her mind explode.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just don’t stress about it. I realized that I’d make myself crazy trying to cover for my DH to maintain the level of what I would do. I would have to nag him all the time and get in the middle of things. So I just let myself off the hook for that relationship. Do I think it’s incredibly rude of “us” when it’s November and we haven’t confirmed our holiday schedule when our in laws have offered to host us? YES. *I* would never do that. But it’s not my problem, it’s my husband’s problem. They raised him and that’s why he sucks. I can’t fix it for them now.

+1 Let his family know early and often that you expect your husband to be an equal partner in arranging his side’s holidays, vacations and birthdays. Direct them to your husband until they get the message. Being an owner of a vagina does not mean you’re in charge of all social niceties.

I organize engagements with my side, he does it with his. He's not very good at it so we don't see them often and never get them gifts, unless I'm ordering baskets for everyone, which is easy. His family makes comments as if it's my responsibility. Last christmas his mom even said, "I'm so glad you let Larlo spend Christmas with us". I responded "Oh, im not responsible for anything he does. He plans the trips to see you
I'm just along for the ride. I do the Smith side; he does the Jones side". I could almost see her mind explode.

Ugh I love this and seriously wish I had an opportunity to say it to my MIL (whom I know blames me for the fact that we see my family more often than his) without just randomly saying it out of the blue

[Anonymous]

Pay close attention to how they treat you before marriage. It does not get better. If you marry a man that permits them to treat you poorly from the onset, you and your children will be battling this your entire lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just don’t stress about it. I realized that I’d make myself crazy trying to cover for my DH to maintain the level of what I would do. I would have to nag him all the time and get in the middle of things. So I just let myself off the hook for that relationship. Do I think it’s incredibly rude of “us” when it’s November and we haven’t confirmed our holiday schedule when our in laws have offered to host us? YES. *I* would never do that. But it’s not my problem, it’s my husband’s problem. They raised him and that’s why he sucks. I can’t fix it for them now.

+1 Let his family know early and often that you expect your husband to be an equal partner in arranging his side’s holidays, vacations and birthdays. Direct them to your husband until they get the message. Being an owner of a vagina does not mean you’re in charge of all social niceties.

I organize engagements with my side, he does it with his. He's not very good at it so we don't see them often and never get them gifts, unless I'm ordering baskets for everyone, which is easy. His family makes comments as if it's my responsibility. Last christmas his mom even said, "I'm so glad you let Larlo spend Christmas with us". I responded "Oh, im not responsible for anything he does. He plans the trips to see you
I'm just along for the ride. I do the Smith side; he does the Jones side". I could almost see her mind explode.

Ugh I love this and seriously wish I had an opportunity to say it to my MIL (whom I know blames me for the fact that we see my family more often than his) without just randomly saying it out of the blue

I want to emphasize that I’m not unkind about this. And I still do things like buy gifts if we’re going to be with them. I just don’t do it to the level that I would if it were any other relationship because I sacrifice my own standards in order to not get in between them and my DH, if that makes any sense? It doesn’t make a lot of sense it’s just how I do it. They really f$&ed him up with they divorced so the whole thing is a minefield that I just stay out of and support my DH even if I think he’s wrong. I wouldn’t ask my MIL for a personal social recommendation but otherwise it works fine and we have a perfectly serviceable relationship.

[Anonymous]

Choose your battles. There are going to be inconveniences and annoyances and cultural differences, but if your in-laws are good and caring people, remember that. Be fair. Be kind. Stick up for yourself when it comes to the things that matter. Don’t meddle in your spouse’s relationship with them; it’s not your job to resolve conflicts between them. If your in-laws love you and treat you with respect, recognize that and be thankful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Choose your battles. There are going to be inconveniences and annoyances and cultural differences, but if your in-laws are good and caring people, remember that. Be fair. Be kind. Stick up for yourself when it comes to the things that matter. Don’t meddle in your spouse’s relationship with them; it’s not your job to resolve conflicts between them. If your in-laws love you and treat you with respect, recognize that and be thankful.

This is good advice.

A lot of the previous responses suggest each person takes responsibility of planning things with their families, and that's generally a good strategy. But being overly rigid about this policy might result in one spouse throwing the other under the bus if they drop the ball on something.
Another thing that comes in to play if you have kids is that you sometimes have to suck up and deal with stuff because it makes them happy. For example, I don't particularly care for the Thanksgiving traditions at my in laws place - I love and get along well with all the people involved, but don't like the food - but my kids are absolutely psyched to spend time with their similarly aged cousins, so I just go along with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just don’t stress about it. I realized that I’d make myself crazy trying to cover for my DH to maintain the level of what I would do. I would have to nag him all the time and get in the middle of things. So I just let myself off the hook for that relationship. Do I think it’s incredibly rude of “us” when it’s November and we haven’t confirmed our holiday schedule when our in laws have offered to host us? YES. *I* would never do that. But it’s not my problem, it’s my husband’s problem. They raised him and that’s why he sucks. I can’t fix it for them now.

+1 Let his family know early and often that you expect your husband to be an equal partner in arranging his side’s holidays, vacations and birthdays. Direct them to your husband until they get the message. Being an owner of a vagina does not mean you’re in charge of all social niceties.

I organize engagements with my side, he does it with his. He's not very good at it so we don't see them often and never get them gifts, unless I'm ordering baskets for everyone, which is easy. His family makes comments as if it's my responsibility. Last christmas his mom even said, "I'm so glad you let Larlo spend Christmas with us". I responded "Oh, im not responsible for anything he does. He plans the trips to see you
I'm just along for the ride. I do the Smith side; he does the Jones side". I could almost see her mind explode.

I'm a DIL with only daughters and I actually think this is pretty unfair. Wives are perfectly fine with husbands who don't make plans or have opinions as long as it means the wife can just dictate everything and get what she wants. Its wrong to use this power dynamic to avoid DH's family and try to claim its "not your fault" he "didn't make plans."