Advice for daughters

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve read this many times on DCUM, but it is very true and bears repeating: You don’t have in-law problems, you have husband/wife problems.

In other words, you and spouse’s first loyalty is to each other and you present united front against the in-laws on both sides. This is not to say that it is an antagonistic relationship, just that you are a family and make decisions that work best for your family.

+1. We also had an in-law problem until, I finally told my husband to grow some spine. All the "difficult" communications with his side of the family now go through him, and it's a total bliss for me.

[Anonymous]

My mother and I have had great relationships with our in-laws.

I would not try to pre-empt something that can turn out to be entirely normal and pleasant. I can help my son or my daughter deal with relationship issues if they crop up.

[Anonymous]

My advice is don’t over share and don’t try to come in like a bulldozer and reshape the relationships within the family. As you meet your partner’s family be kind and respectful and observe their family dynamic. It may be totally different than your own and it’s not your job to change that. If they are unkind or rude to you take note of how your significant other responds to it. It can be telling for your long term relationship.

[Anonymous]

You are all so controlling and weird.

I have three married daughters. How they choose to deal with their in laws is their business. And from what I can tell, they all deal with it just fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just don’t stress about it. I realized that I’d make myself crazy trying to cover for my DH to maintain the level of what I would do. I would have to nag him all the time and get in the middle of things. So I just let myself off the hook for that relationship. Do I think it’s incredibly rude of “us” when it’s November and we haven’t confirmed our holiday schedule when our in laws have offered to host us? YES. *I* would never do that. But it’s not my problem, it’s my husband’s problem. They raised him and that’s why he sucks. I can’t fix it for them now.

+1 Let his family know early and often that you expect your husband to be an equal partner in arranging his side’s holidays, vacations and birthdays. Direct them to your husband until they get the message. Being an owner of a vagina does not mean you’re in charge of all social niceties.

I organize engagements with my side, he does it with his. He's not very good at it so we don't see them often and never get them gifts, unless I'm ordering baskets for everyone, which is easy. His family makes comments as if it's my responsibility. Last christmas his mom even said, "I'm so glad you let Larlo spend Christmas with us". I responded "Oh, im not responsible for anything he does. He plans the trips to see you
I'm just along for the ride. I do the Smith side; he does the Jones side". I could almost see her mind explode.

We all know it’s the wife who has the say in whether her husband gets to see his parents

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just don’t stress about it. I realized that I’d make myself crazy trying to cover for my DH to maintain the level of what I would do. I would have to nag him all the time and get in the middle of things. So I just let myself off the hook for that relationship. Do I think it’s incredibly rude of “us” when it’s November and we haven’t confirmed our holiday schedule when our in laws have offered to host us? YES. *I* would never do that. But it’s not my problem, it’s my husband’s problem. They raised him and that’s why he sucks. I can’t fix it for them now.

+1 Let his family know early and often that you expect your husband to be an equal partner in arranging his side’s holidays, vacations and birthdays. Direct them to your husband until they get the message. Being an owner of a vagina does not mean you’re in charge of all social niceties.

I organize engagements with my side, he does it with his. He's not very good at it so we don't see them often and never get them gifts, unless I'm ordering baskets for everyone, which is easy. His family makes comments as if it's my responsibility. Last christmas his mom even said, "I'm so glad you let Larlo spend Christmas with us". I responded "Oh, im not responsible for anything he does. He plans the trips to see you
I'm just along for the ride. I do the Smith side; he does the Jones side". I could almost see her mind explode.

Ugh I love this and seriously wish I had an opportunity to say it to my MIL (whom I know blames me for the fact that we see my family more often than his) without just randomly saying it out of the blue

And what is the real reason?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just don’t stress about it. I realized that I’d make myself crazy trying to cover for my DH to maintain the level of what I would do. I would have to nag him all the time and get in the middle of things. So I just let myself off the hook for that relationship. Do I think it’s incredibly rude of “us” when it’s November and we haven’t confirmed our holiday schedule when our in laws have offered to host us? YES. *I* would never do that. But it’s not my problem, it’s my husband’s problem. They raised him and that’s why he sucks. I can’t fix it for them now.

+1 Let his family know early and often that you expect your husband to be an equal partner in arranging his side’s holidays, vacations and birthdays. Direct them to your husband until they get the message. Being an owner of a vagina does not mean you’re in charge of all social niceties.

I organize engagements with my side, he does it with his. He's not very good at it so we don't see them often and never get them gifts, unless I'm ordering baskets for everyone, which is easy. His family makes comments as if it's my responsibility. Last christmas his mom even said, "I'm so glad you let Larlo spend Christmas with us". I responded "Oh, im not responsible for anything he does. He plans the trips to see you
I'm just along for the ride. I do the Smith side; he does the Jones side". I could almost see her mind explode.

I'm a DIL with only daughters and I actually think this is pretty unfair. Wives are perfectly fine with husbands who don't make plans or have opinions as long as it means the wife can just dictate everything and get what she wants. Its wrong to use this power dynamic to avoid DH's family and try to claim its "not your fault" he "didn't make plans."

Exactly!

[Anonymous]

As mother of daughters and daughter-in-laws, i would recommend to put their partner first. For a partner to accept other people, they have to to be comfortable about their position in the mix.

[Anonymous]

You are their class enemy. They won’t be always militant but your interests and theirs are complete opposites.
Don’t get to close to them, don’t overshare, try to present yourself in the best light possible whenever it doesn’t involve huge effort
Let them have plenty of time with just their son and your son and their grandkids. Most likely they won’t be sad if you don’t show up.
Don’t expect them to treat you the same as their son. The main gifts are for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just don’t stress about it. I realized that I’d make myself crazy trying to cover for my DH to maintain the level of what I would do. I would have to nag him all the time and get in the middle of things. So I just let myself off the hook for that relationship. Do I think it’s incredibly rude of “us” when it’s November and we haven’t confirmed our holiday schedule when our in laws have offered to host us? YES. *I* would never do that. But it’s not my problem, it’s my husband’s problem. They raised him and that’s why he sucks. I can’t fix it for them now.

+1 Let his family know early and often that you expect your husband to be an equal partner in arranging his side’s holidays, vacations and birthdays. Direct them to your husband until they get the message. Being an owner of a vagina does not mean you’re in charge of all social niceties.

I organize engagements with my side, he does it with his. He's not very good at it so we don't see them often and never get them gifts, unless I'm ordering baskets for everyone, which is easy. His family makes comments as if it's my responsibility. Last christmas his mom even said, "I'm so glad you let Larlo spend Christmas with us". I responded "Oh, im not responsible for anything he does. He plans the trips to see you
I'm just along for the ride. I do the Smith side; he does the Jones side". I could almost see her mind explode.

We all know it’s the wife who has the say in whether her husband gets to see his parents

No we don't all know this or believe it. It would be so toxic/abusive for one spouse to control whether the other gets to see their parents. That's a dealbreaker and very different than what the PPs are referring to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just don’t stress about it. I realized that I’d make myself crazy trying to cover for my DH to maintain the level of what I would do. I would have to nag him all the time and get in the middle of things. So I just let myself off the hook for that relationship. Do I think it’s incredibly rude of “us” when it’s November and we haven’t confirmed our holiday schedule when our in laws have offered to host us? YES. *I* would never do that. But it’s not my problem, it’s my husband’s problem. They raised him and that’s why he sucks. I can’t fix it for them now.

+1 Let his family know early and often that you expect your husband to be an equal partner in arranging his side’s holidays, vacations and birthdays. Direct them to your husband until they get the message. Being an owner of a vagina does not mean you’re in charge of all social niceties.

I organize engagements with my side, he does it with his. He's not very good at it so we don't see them often and never get them gifts, unless I'm ordering baskets for everyone, which is easy. His family makes comments as if it's my responsibility. Last christmas his mom even said, "I'm so glad you let Larlo spend Christmas with us". I responded "Oh, im not responsible for anything he does. He plans the trips to see you
I'm just along for the ride. I do the Smith side; he does the Jones side". I could almost see her mind explode.

I'm a DIL with only daughters and I actually think this is pretty unfair. Wives are perfectly fine with husbands who don't make plans or have opinions as long as it means the wife can just dictate everything and get what she wants. Its wrong to use this power dynamic to avoid DH's family and try to claim its "not your fault" he "didn't make plans."

Agreed.
And, if you are fine with your DH making no plans with his parents, then you should be fine with him making no plans with you too.

I don't know why you would equate a DH not making plans with his parents to not making plans with a DW. My DH doesn't make plans with his parents but he had no problems making plans with me when we were dating and has had no problems making plans with me in our 28 years of marriage. I don't think my DH is unusual in that.

If/when my DH has behaviors that are problematic for me, I discuss it with him. I don't expect his parents, his siblings, his admin assist, etc. to step in and get him to behave in a way that I want him to. He's responsible for his actions. I hold him accountable for his behavior (or lack thereof). In the same way, I hold my DSs' accountable for their behaviors and relationship with me and their father (my DH). If I'm disappointed in not seeing them as much as I'd like, I address it with them. They are responsible for their choices.

[Anonymous]

The lesson is to have boundaries and enforce them. Period.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, no. I"m not doing the plans for both sides. I will gently remind him sometimes ("remember it's your mom's 80th birthday so you should send flowers or something.") But that's it. He's not a child.

And in the event his parent have or would say something, I would absolutely respond as someone suggested upthread: "Oh, that was Joe's job to plan. I do my family, he does his. Hopefully, he'll plan better next year." I'm not being his fall guy and I don't expect him to be mine. That is absolutely fair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just don’t stress about it. I realized that I’d make myself crazy trying to cover for my DH to maintain the level of what I would do. I would have to nag him all the time and get in the middle of things. So I just let myself off the hook for that relationship. Do I think it’s incredibly rude of “us” when it’s November and we haven’t confirmed our holiday schedule when our in laws have offered to host us? YES. *I* would never do that. But it’s not my problem, it’s my husband’s problem. They raised him and that’s why he sucks. I can’t fix it for them now.

+1 Let his family know early and often that you expect your husband to be an equal partner in arranging his side’s holidays, vacations and birthdays. Direct them to your husband until they get the message. Being an owner of a vagina does not mean you’re in charge of all social niceties.

I organize engagements with my side, he does it with his. He's not very good at it so we don't see them often and never get them gifts, unless I'm ordering baskets for everyone, which is easy. His family makes comments as if it's my responsibility. Last christmas his mom even said, "I'm so glad you let Larlo spend Christmas with us". I responded "Oh, im not responsible for anything he does. He plans the trips to see you
I'm just along for the ride. I do the Smith side; he does the Jones side". I could almost see her mind explode.

I'm a DIL with only daughters and I actually think this is pretty unfair. Wives are perfectly fine with husbands who don't make plans or have opinions as long as it means the wife can just dictate everything and get what she wants. Its wrong to use this power dynamic to avoid DH's family and try to claim its "not your fault" he "didn't make plans."

There is nothing unfair with expecting a grown man to remember to make plans or whatever with his own family. It IS unfair to expect me to do it for him, remind him, etc. And I'm just not going to do it. He is free to see them, invite them, make plans, etc. whenever he wishes to do so. I will not be doing that for him.

I find it repulsive that women are expected to be the ones who are expected to play this role for their own families and for their DH's. Completely sexist expectations and unfair.

[Anonymous]

I have a great relationship with MIL. My mom had a great relationship with hers. Siblings have find relationships with their MILa. SILs seem to have great relationships. Ditto for most cousins.
No one ever talked about the relationship or prepared any of us for how to deal with in-law relationships. IMO if you have strong family relationships, learn to respect others, then you simply have to be open to building a relationship with spouses family.