Advice for daughters

[Anonymous]

I don't do the "I do mine and you do yours" fully. He does buy the gifts for his parents but I help. We work together to make sure splitting holidays, vacations, activities is fair (which is not always half and half since one family is local and one is not) We've never had an issue with the fact that we do wind up spending more holidays and vacation time with my family because he understands his family sees us more ordinarily and I have a parent who is much worse health and we know our future time is more limited with him.

One thing is to just respect the dynamics of the in-laws. Mine are different from what I'm used to but I can't change them. I wish some things were different but I don't voice that to DH because he can't control it and I don't want him feeling bad that I don't "like" them.

Also, I try to give them time alone with DH. He is their son and they had him for half of his life before I came along. I want them to talk and reminisce without me. By the same token, I give him a pass on time with my family too. It's healthy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just don’t stress about it. I realized that I’d make myself crazy trying to cover for my DH to maintain the level of what I would do. I would have to nag him all the time and get in the middle of things. So I just let myself off the hook for that relationship. Do I think it’s incredibly rude of “us” when it’s November and we haven’t confirmed our holiday schedule when our in laws have offered to host us? YES. *I* would never do that. But it’s not my problem, it’s my husband’s problem. They raised him and that’s why he sucks. I can’t fix it for them now.

+1 Let his family know early and often that you expect your husband to be an equal partner in arranging his side’s holidays, vacations and birthdays. Direct them to your husband until they get the message. Being an owner of a vagina does not mean you’re in charge of all social niceties.

I organize engagements with my side, he does it with his. He's not very good at it so we don't see them often and never get them gifts, unless I'm ordering baskets for everyone, which is easy. His family makes comments as if it's my responsibility. Last christmas his mom even said, "I'm so glad you let Larlo spend Christmas with us". I responded "Oh, im not responsible for anything he does. He plans the trips to see you
I'm just along for the ride. I do the Smith side; he does the Jones side". I could almost see her mind explode.

I'm a DIL with only daughters and I actually think this is pretty unfair. Wives are perfectly fine with husbands who don't make plans or have opinions as long as it means the wife can just dictate everything and get what she wants. Its wrong to use this power dynamic to avoid DH's family and try to claim its "not your fault" he "didn't make plans."

No, it's his responsibility to plan activities with his family. That's how they divide things in their household. This way she can never be accused of steamrolling his family. Sounds like she gets the family dynamics perfectly, and it's time for her husband to step up and be an adult

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve read this many times on DCUM, but it is very true and bears repeating: You don’t have in-law problems, you have husband/wife problems.

In other words, you and spouse’s first loyalty is to each other and you present united front against the in-laws on both sides. This is not to say that it is an antagonistic relationship, just that you are a family and make decisions that work best for your family.

This. They are a new family and that's their first loyalty. So many of the complaints boil down to one spouse or one set of in laws thinking that the primary loyalty should remain with the parents

+1. And it's not just his parents. It's you and your DH. You can't have healthy boundaries with in-laws and poor boundaries with your parents and then think it's all fine. You'll have issues.

[Anonymous]

Your H is not responsible for your in laws behavior, he can not change them or fix them.

When they say something rude or negative it's more about what you represent that she could not be. If she is good at something (cooking for me) she will constantly point out how much better she is at that. Kill her with kindness, tell her she is better.

We literally save shirts with bad stains for when my MIL comes over and say "only you can get it out"... it make her feel needed and useful and better at something.

We also (she is a good cook) compliment her cooking.

She, OTOH, is on many ways completely insane. We ignore her insaneness when she is here and giggle about it later.

Se removed a plant from my son's room because it would use up all the oxygen. I mean, what are you going to do with that? We laugh about our room with plants that it's pretty but hard to breath.

My H is way more stressed out that he can't control his parents than I am.

Also tell my son's that a daughter has a 50% chance she feels like a 5 year old every time her mom shows up, be kind to her during these times. Many moms make their daughters feel very, very, very small and the anxiety response is high, these are dangerous times that you can get in a big fight simply because her mom is making her feel inadequate. It's might be her dad too but less so.

I also say to my son, you need to tell me what I do that bothers you/her. I am a work in progress even though I am older... I've never been a MIL, grandparents, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your H is not responsible for your in laws behavior, he can not change them or fix them.

When they say something rude or negative it's more about what you represent that she could not be. If she is good at something (cooking for me) she will constantly point out how much better she is at that. Kill her with kindness, tell her she is better.

We literally save shirts with bad stains for when my MIL comes over and say "only you can get it out"... it make her feel needed and useful and better at something.

We also (she is a good cook) compliment her cooking.

She, OTOH, is on many ways completely insane. We ignore her insaneness when she is here and giggle about it later.

Se removed a plant from my son's room because it would use up all the oxygen. I mean, what are you going to do with that? We laugh about our room with plants that it's pretty but hard to breath.

My H is way more stressed out that he can't control his parents than I am.

Also tell my son's that a daughter has a 50% chance she feels like a 5 year old every time her mom shows up, be kind to her during these times. Many moms make their daughters feel very, very, very small and the anxiety response is high, these are dangerous times that you can get in a big fight simply because her mom is making her feel inadequate. It's might be her dad too but less so.

I also say to my son, you need to tell me what I do that bothers you/her. I am a work in progress even though I am older... I've never been a MIL, grandparents, etc.

You have a good attitude. You will make a fine MIL.

[Anonymous]

I make every effort to help my DH have a better relationship with his family. It was already really good to start, but he definitely used to never call, etc. I think my MIL has very much noticed a difference and she appreciates it a lot. I buy thoughtful gifts for them, I try to do things that keep up with their family traditions (for example, cards for all holidays, which my family never does), and I try to take an interest in what they are interested in. I have a really wonderful relationship with my ILs, but I know that stems from them also really caring about family as well.

[Anonymous]

Advice to my younger self. Married 26 years. Local ILs and parents.

If you are going to live nearby each other, establish boundaries now. Do you want to have Sunday dinner at your ILs? How about holidays? Are you expected to give equal time? Be willing as newlyweds to start your own traditions; go away for holidays, your anniversary, vacations.

Do you want to vacation together? Again, do you need equal time?

You can visit your parents solo, without your spouse.

Are you expected to call your ILs by their first names? Mom and Dad? Are you ok with this preference? I never could call my IL Mom and Dad although they said that was fine because I had my own parents. If they are my mom and dad then DH is my brother. No.

Be independent! Make your own schedule, keep your own commitments and work life. Don’t rearrange or be overly accommodating for your ILs. Don’t be guilt tripped into anything.

Be polite, kind and listen. Don’t over share about your relationship with DH, your own family of origin, your friends -
if you must, be aloof. Don’t confide in ILs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just don’t stress about it. I realized that I’d make myself crazy trying to cover for my DH to maintain the level of what I would do. I would have to nag him all the time and get in the middle of things. So I just let myself off the hook for that relationship. Do I think it’s incredibly rude of “us” when it’s November and we haven’t confirmed our holiday schedule when our in laws have offered to host us? YES. *I* would never do that. But it’s not my problem, it’s my husband’s problem. They raised him and that’s why he sucks. I can’t fix it for them now.

+1 Let his family know early and often that you expect your husband to be an equal partner in arranging his side’s holidays, vacations and birthdays. Direct them to your husband until they get the message. Being an owner of a vagina does not mean you’re in charge of all social niceties.

I organize engagements with my side, he does it with his. He's not very good at it so we don't see them often and never get them gifts, unless I'm ordering baskets for everyone, which is easy. His family makes comments as if it's my responsibility. Last christmas his mom even said, "I'm so glad you let Larlo spend Christmas with us". I responded "Oh, im not responsible for anything he does. He plans the trips to see you
I'm just along for the ride. I do the Smith side; he does the Jones side". I could almost see her mind explode.

I'm a DIL with only daughters and I actually think this is pretty unfair. Wives are perfectly fine with husbands who don't make plans or have opinions as long as it means the wife can just dictate everything and get what she wants. Its wrong to use this power dynamic to avoid DH's family and try to claim its "not your fault" he "didn't make plans."

This is cracking me up. My husband handles his family stuff 95% of the time. I love them a lot, but we would see them WAY LESS of I was in charge. My hsuband is an excellent son who can organize events, buy presents, etc. I’m not handling his family because I am a woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just don’t stress about it. I realized that I’d make myself crazy trying to cover for my DH to maintain the level of what I would do. I would have to nag him all the time and get in the middle of things. So I just let myself off the hook for that relationship. Do I think it’s incredibly rude of “us” when it’s November and we haven’t confirmed our holiday schedule when our in laws have offered to host us? YES. *I* would never do that. But it’s not my problem, it’s my husband’s problem. They raised him and that’s why he sucks. I can’t fix it for them now.

+1 Let his family know early and often that you expect your husband to be an equal partner in arranging his side’s holidays, vacations and birthdays. Direct them to your husband until they get the message. Being an owner of a vagina does not mean you’re in charge of all social niceties.

I organize engagements with my side, he does it with his. He's not very good at it so we don't see them often and never get them gifts, unless I'm ordering baskets for everyone, which is easy. His family makes comments as if it's my responsibility. Last christmas his mom even said, "I'm so glad you let Larlo spend Christmas with us". I responded "Oh, im not responsible for anything he does. He plans the trips to see you
I'm just along for the ride. I do the Smith side; he does the Jones side". I could almost see her mind explode.

I'm a DIL with only daughters and I actually think this is pretty unfair. Wives are perfectly fine with husbands who don't make plans or have opinions as long as it means the wife can just dictate everything and get what she wants. Its wrong to use this power dynamic to avoid DH's family and try to claim its "not your fault" he "didn't make plans."

This is cracking me up. My husband handles his family stuff 95% of the time. I love them a lot, but we would see them WAY LESS of I was in charge. My hsuband is an excellent son who can organize events, buy presents, etc. I’m not handling his family because I am a woman.

Same. My husband does fine with planning. I assume he sees them as much as he wants. I'm nice to them when they're here and offer a helping hand with whatever he plans, but it's ultimately his relationship to manage. I manage my own family of origin. I honestly never considered doing it any other way - like, it just doesn't make logical sense to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he says “blood is thicker than water” during a heated argument, run.

Seminal fluid is thicker than blood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just don’t stress about it. I realized that I’d make myself crazy trying to cover for my DH to maintain the level of what I would do. I would have to nag him all the time and get in the middle of things. So I just let myself off the hook for that relationship. Do I think it’s incredibly rude of “us” when it’s November and we haven’t confirmed our holiday schedule when our in laws have offered to host us? YES. *I* would never do that. But it’s not my problem, it’s my husband’s problem. They raised him and that’s why he sucks. I can’t fix it for them now.

+1 Let his family know early and often that you expect your husband to be an equal partner in arranging his side’s holidays, vacations and birthdays. Direct them to your husband until they get the message. Being an owner of a vagina does not mean you’re in charge of all social niceties.

I organize engagements with my side, he does it with his. He's not very good at it so we don't see them often and never get them gifts, unless I'm ordering baskets for everyone, which is easy. His family makes comments as if it's my responsibility. Last christmas his mom even said, "I'm so glad you let Larlo spend Christmas with us". I responded "Oh, im not responsible for anything he does. He plans the trips to see you
I'm just along for the ride. I do the Smith side; he does the Jones side". I could almost see her mind explode.

I'm a DIL with only daughters and I actually think this is pretty unfair. Wives are perfectly fine with husbands who don't make plans or have opinions as long as it means the wife can just dictate everything and get what she wants. Its wrong to use this power dynamic to avoid DH's family and try to claim its "not your fault" he "didn't make plans."

Agreed.
And, if you are fine with your DH making no plans with his parents, then you should be fine with him making no plans with you too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just don’t stress about it. I realized that I’d make myself crazy trying to cover for my DH to maintain the level of what I would do. I would have to nag him all the time and get in the middle of things. So I just let myself off the hook for that relationship. Do I think it’s incredibly rude of “us” when it’s November and we haven’t confirmed our holiday schedule when our in laws have offered to host us? YES. *I* would never do that. But it’s not my problem, it’s my husband’s problem. They raised him and that’s why he sucks. I can’t fix it for them now.

+1 Let his family know early and often that you expect your husband to be an equal partner in arranging his side’s holidays, vacations and birthdays. Direct them to your husband until they get the message. Being an owner of a vagina does not mean you’re in charge of all social niceties.

I organize engagements with my side, he does it with his. He's not very good at it so we don't see them often and never get them gifts, unless I'm ordering baskets for everyone, which is easy. His family makes comments as if it's my responsibility. Last christmas his mom even said, "I'm so glad you let Larlo spend Christmas with us". I responded "Oh, im not responsible for anything he does. He plans the trips to see you
I'm just along for the ride. I do the Smith side; he does the Jones side". I could almost see her mind explode.

I'm a DIL with only daughters and I actually think this is pretty unfair. Wives are perfectly fine with husbands who don't make plans or have opinions as long as it means the wife can just dictate everything and get what she wants. Its wrong to use this power dynamic to avoid DH's family and try to claim its "not your fault" he "didn't make plans."

Agreed.
And, if you are fine with your DH making no plans with his parents, then you should be fine with him making no plans with you too.

You think it’s unfair that a man can’t make plans with his own family of origin? What are you talking about? How is that “unfair”? Is she stopping him from making plans? Is she saying no when he tries? It doesn’t say that. It says he just fails to hold up his side of those relationships. Which is…not his wife’s job. Get out of the 50s.

[Anonymous]

This is what I have told my own DD.

Compromise on the cultural differences but not on your self-respect. Be human enough to recognize their kindness and effort. Be warm, gracious, hospitable and with good manners - this is the least I expect of my own DD. Communicate with love. Everyone recognizes love. My DD is capable of grayrocking the bad parts and responding to the good parts.

Never criticize your spouse to your ILs or parents or other family members. They will never forget that one snapshot of disharmony and it colors their opinion for ever. Do not even share your criticisms with me (and I am my DD's closest confidante). Understand the dynamics of existing relationships and then act accordingly to avoid landmines etc. Be nice to everybody.

Your spouse and you are one unit. It is you against the world. Let go of the idiocyncracies. Don't be ready to take offense. Give them the benefit of doubt. Brush off

Host well and feed people. If you feed people well, they will not take offense to you. Also, the fact that you are hosting and are busy, actually prevents you from interacting too much with them. There is less chance of controversy if only superficial talking is happening because you are busy hosting and feeding them.

You are an adult. Establish boundaries without making it a battle. What does it mean? You can inform your ILs of your plans. That is good manners. You do not have to take permission from them.

Let your children have their own relationship with the grandparents. It is a-OK if all your "rules" of childraising are not followed by your ILs (unless they are completely dysfunctional). Don't do bean counting. Protect your kids if they need protection, but, do not weaponize your parenthood.

Be loving to the younger generation - your nieces and nephews, new members of the family. Rejoice in meeting new people and be welcoming. It does not take too much effort to be nice to someone. Create goodwill.

Keep the two families seperate and do not share too many details with each other. Do not discuss your ILs with me, for instance.

Your kids are your responsibility. Grandparents, aunts and uncles, may help out and that is great. BUT, you had the kids, you raise them. Any help is a bonus and you need to be thankful to that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just don’t stress about it. I realized that I’d make myself crazy trying to cover for my DH to maintain the level of what I would do. I would have to nag him all the time and get in the middle of things. So I just let myself off the hook for that relationship. Do I think it’s incredibly rude of “us” when it’s November and we haven’t confirmed our holiday schedule when our in laws have offered to host us? YES. *I* would never do that. But it’s not my problem, it’s my husband’s problem. They raised him and that’s why he sucks. I can’t fix it for them now.

+1 Let his family know early and often that you expect your husband to be an equal partner in arranging his side’s holidays, vacations and birthdays. Direct them to your husband until they get the message. Being an owner of a vagina does not mean you’re in charge of all social niceties.

I organize engagements with my side, he does it with his. He's not very good at it so we don't see them often and never get them gifts, unless I'm ordering baskets for everyone, which is easy. His family makes comments as if it's my responsibility. Last christmas his mom even said, "I'm so glad you let Larlo spend Christmas with us". I responded "Oh, im not responsible for anything he does. He plans the trips to see you
I'm just along for the ride. I do the Smith side; he does the Jones side". I could almost see her mind explode.

I'm a DIL with only daughters and I actually think this is pretty unfair. Wives are perfectly fine with husbands who don't make plans or have opinions as long as it means the wife can just dictate everything and get what she wants. Its wrong to use this power dynamic to avoid DH's family and try to claim its "not your fault" he "didn't make plans."

Agreed.
And, if you are fine with your DH making no plans with his parents, then you should be fine with him making no plans with you too.

You think it’s unfair that a man can’t make plans with his own family of origin? What are you talking about? How is that “unfair”? Is she stopping him from making plans? Is she saying no when he tries? It doesn’t say that. It says he just fails to hold up his side of those relationships. Which is…not his wife’s job. Get out of the 50s.

LOL. Who did you marry? Why did you marry? Your choices reflect your own self-worth.

You married an incompetent person who cannot be organized enough to do nice things for his parents and you are a-ok with it? Then you should be a-ok with him failing to buy you flowers on Valentine's Day too!

Your DH is cold to everyone and you are fine with it? Then why are you complaining about lack of intimacy in your marriage?

Your DH does not fix the broken lock in his parent's home and you don't care? Why do you care if he forgets to change the diaper of your crying baby?

If you view yourself as a team, then you take on different roles. Maybe it is the role of a person who plans and organizes everything. Which most of the times all the women do. But, then suddenly when it comes to the ILs, you drop the ball and say "Yeah, oops, I will not do the organizing and planning for this one". That is very self-serving and short sighted. Because it just shows your DH that you are not a fair person but a conniving, manipulative and petty one.

Sorry, no sorry!

[Anonymous]

I am a thread ender.