What am I going to do about my mother?

[Anonymous]

My mother (76) has extreme anxiety and suffers from panic attacks and health related fears. She has a number of other physical issues that are not life threatening or severe but problematic. My parents live in europe. She cannot be without my dad (80) for longer than a few hours and is HUGELY codependent on him. She will call him and panic about things (usually health related) down the phone to him. She has a psychiatrist (although it's a good question as to whether her medication is as well managed as it could be, though she is pretty functional). I have NO idea what to do when he passes away which likely will be in the next ten years. She needs a constant companion and someone to calm her down at all times. I have a 7 and 9 year old, a v stressful full time job and i live in the US. How can I be a good daughter but protect my life from becoming completely unsustainable?

[Anonymous]

*I should add i am an only child.

[Anonymous]

Seems like her psychiatrist isn't getting the job done.

[Anonymous]

Could you help them to pay/find a lady that will slowly help them in the daily errands/tasks and gain their trust? Somebody local that could gently support them and help connecting them to resources available in the area where they live. They need to create a support betwork before they need to use it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Could you help them to pay/find a lady that will slowly help them in the daily errands/tasks and gain their trust? Somebody local that could gently support them and help connecting them to resources available in the area where they live. They need to create a support betwork before they need to use it

This is really good advice. I'd also question the med management piece. Seems to need tweaking.

[Anonymous]

Gently, it seems as if you are yourself preoccupied about something that may or may not happen in the next 10 years.

[Anonymous]

It's great that your dad is still able to help her a lot but at 80 that could change at any moment. You could try to find some help now and gradually work them in, as another PP suggested. Give yourself time in case the first one doesn't work out. Your mother and also your father will likely need someone and if it can't be you, like you're not willing to move her to live with or near you, then now is the time to proactively put another support system in place. That is assuming that an assisted living facility is not an option or a consideration.

The main point is, arrange things now while you can schedule your travel on your own terms rather than wait for a critical situation to happen that will disrupt your life with little warning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's great that your dad is still able to help her a lot but at 80 that could change at any moment. You could try to find some help now and gradually work them in, as another PP suggested. Give yourself time in case the first one doesn't work out. Your mother and also your father will likely need someone and if it can't be you, like you're not willing to move her to live with or near you, then now is the time to proactively put another support system in place. That is assuming that an assisted living facility is not an option or a consideration.

The main point is, arrange things now while you can schedule your travel on your own terms rather than wait for a critical situation to happen that will disrupt your life with little warning.

op - i have been asking them for years to get a place near me in the US (mother is a US citizen) but no matter how hard i try, they find a reason why it cannot be done.
the advice about hiring a support before they need it is probably good - not sure how I would position this person..

[Anonymous]

"protect my life"?
you are an ocean away

your parents, for better of for worse, was going to have to manage on their own, as if their were no family

others do it

[Anonymous]

OP, I am in this exact boat, only my mother is widowed and lives in assisted living 25 minutes away. If I could do it over I would have her in an inexpensive apartment with fulltime care. Not because she cant take care of herself but because she believes she can't. She calls me at all hours, and this morning called me "Idont know what's wrong, I'm shaking like a leaf, I can't lift my neck, no one here will help me, this might be the end." (literally said that). I get there, and of course once I am there she is fine and wants me to take her to lunch. But she refuses to leave her room without someone to "help" her, even though she hasn't fallen, is completely fine. She had aback problem sometime back and I got extra care for her and now she will not do anything for herself, and wants a wheelchair "in case she gets dizzy."

Although not consciously, she manipulates me so I come over to soothe her. She admitted later today that she just needed someone in the room with her, because she felt scared. She thinks someothing is wrong, but there's nothing wrong, except her anxiety which of course is signficantly limiting. But with no one around to listen to her, she ruminates and gets incredibly worked up. She has been like this my entire life, but I managed to avoid as much of it as possible (my dad left when he could no longer take it so I assumed that role as a young teen).

Now I have a very busy job, tween kids and I am taking her to the doctors every other day and realizing that nearly all her symptoms are anxiety (dizzy, can't breathe, headaches). There is nothing wrong except her anxiety and unfortunately its very hard to find the right RX to deal with that for older adults. No one will give her ativan or anything like that because it exacerbates neurospychiatric symptoms and fall risk. The Prozac isn't helping. Also, she was fired by two therapists over the years because they were, frankly, sick of her calling them at all hours, complaining and freaking out. She's now alienated most of the staff at the assisted living too.

You may want to research borderline personality disorder, which was my mother's diagnosis, and is now exacerbated by the onset of dementia. I have to learn to set up boundaries. The concept that I am solely responsible for my mother's emotional health has been ground into me since I was a child. Its very damaging to a child and confusing to me now, because of course old people do need help and the assumption is i will take care of my mother.

anyway I totally understand the need to "protect your life"--when you grow up with a parent like this, you get it. Unfortunately there is no good solution here, except the hope that your father stays well and can manage it. If not, I would suggest finding some assistance now to help them both. You may also just have to deal with the crisis if/when it comes. But there is no way that you can actually help her with her anxiety if, like my mom, is is a permanent debilitating aspect of her psychology.

[Anonymous]

I say this as someone with a codependent mom. Don't ask about being a "good daughter." You are falling into the people pleasing trap. Her definition of a good daughter would probably be for you to move there, enmesh with her, enable her and feed the neediness and you still would not be able to get rid of her anxiety.

How can you help the situation? As others mentions the meds are not right. Speak to the doctor. They had plenty of years to get psychological help and didn't so they probably won't now, but when dad passes down the line I would make a valiant attempt to get her into therapy and support groups.

Can you hire a case manager there to make sure they are getting the right supports and check in on them? It would be good to have an expert assessing needs and coordinating care as needed.

Learn to detatch with love. anxious people will be anxious unless they want to change with therapy and meds. Needy people will be needy and so forth. You cannot rescue her from this. All you can do is make sure she gets optimal meds and put supports in place. Figure out your boundaries. Don't fall into good girl trap. There are people even on this board who will guilt trip you for not doing enough and for being a bad girl. You don't need out approval or theirs. You just need to figure out what works with your value system and your current family situation. It's not cut and dry. Your spouse/kids, etc need you and they need a happy, sane you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am in this exact boat, only my mother is widowed and lives in assisted living 25 minutes away. If I could do it over I would have her in an inexpensive apartment with fulltime care. Not because she cant take care of herself but because she believes she can't. She calls me at all hours, and this morning called me "Idont know what's wrong, I'm shaking like a leaf, I can't lift my neck, no one here will help me, this might be the end." (literally said that). I get there, and of course once I am there she is fine and wants me to take her to lunch. But she refuses to leave her room without someone to "help" her, even though she hasn't fallen, is completely fine. She had aback problem sometime back and I got extra care for her and now she will not do anything for herself, and wants a wheelchair "in case she gets dizzy."

Although not consciously, she manipulates me so I come over to soothe her. She admitted later today that she just needed someone in the room with her, because she felt scared. She thinks someothing is wrong, but there's nothing wrong, except her anxiety which of course is signficantly limiting. But with no one around to listen to her, she ruminates and gets incredibly worked up. She has been like this my entire life, but I managed to avoid as much of it as possible (my dad left when he could no longer take it so I assumed that role as a young teen).

Now I have a very busy job, tween kids and I am taking her to the doctors every other day and realizing that nearly all her symptoms are anxiety (dizzy, can't breathe, headaches). There is nothing wrong except her anxiety and unfortunately its very hard to find the right RX to deal with that for older adults. No one will give her ativan or anything like that because it exacerbates neurospychiatric symptoms and fall risk. The Prozac isn't helping. Also, she was fired by two therapists over the years because they were, frankly, sick of her calling them at all hours, complaining and freaking out. She's now alienated most of the staff at the assisted living too.

You may want to research borderline personality disorder, which was my mother's diagnosis, and is now exacerbated by the onset of dementia. I have to learn to set up boundaries. The concept that I am solely responsible for my mother's emotional health has been ground into me since I was a child. Its very damaging to a child and confusing to me now, because of course old people do need help and the assumption is i will take care of my mother.

anyway I totally understand the need to "protect your life"--when you grow up with a parent like this, you get it. Unfortunately there is no good solution here, except the hope that your father stays well and can manage it. If not, I would suggest finding some assistance now to help them both. You may also just have to deal with the crisis if/when it comes. But there is no way that you can actually help her with her anxiety if, like my mom, is is a permanent debilitating aspect of her psychology.

Pp do you think it’s bpd bc she is so codependent and anxious or bc she doesn’t acknowledge the impact on you? My mom i think does not want to be a burden but her anxiety is so next level all the time she ends up in that scenario

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother (76) has extreme anxiety and suffers from panic attacks and health related fears. She has a number of other physical issues that are not life threatening or severe but problematic. My parents live in europe. She cannot be without my dad (80) for longer than a few hours and is HUGELY codependent on him. She will call him and panic about things (usually health related) down the phone to him. She has a psychiatrist (although it's a good question as to whether her medication is as well managed as it could be, though she is pretty functional). I have NO idea what to do when he passes away which likely will be in the next ten years. She needs a constant companion and someone to calm her down at all times. I have a 7 and 9 year old, a v stressful full time job and i live in the US. How can I be a good daughter but protect my life from becoming completely unsustainable?

What makes you so sure your dad will pass away first? That’s most common but not by much once they are both old. Don’t worry about it beyond trying to find a support network.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's great that your dad is still able to help her a lot but at 80 that could change at any moment. You could try to find some help now and gradually work them in, as another PP suggested. Give yourself time in case the first one doesn't work out. Your mother and also your father will likely need someone and if it can't be you, like you're not willing to move her to live with or near you, then now is the time to proactively put another support system in place. That is assuming that an assisted living facility is not an option or a consideration.

The main point is, arrange things now while you can schedule your travel on your own terms rather than wait for a critical situation to happen that will disrupt your life with little warning.

People on this board need to stop assuming that the adult child isn’t willing to move their parent and instill into their minds that the first assumption should be that the elderly person isn’t willing to move. Then the adult child has to work around that situation.

Best of luck, OP. Listen to the posters who are talking about putting pieces into place before a crisis hits (which includes the rest of the content in this quoted post).

[Anonymous]

Pp do you think it’s bpd bc she is so codependent and anxious or bc she doesn’t acknowledge the impact on you? My mom i think does not want to be a burden but her anxiety is so next level all the time she ends up in that scenario[/quote

Lots of reasons but it includes deeply unstable self. When I was growing up it was always a fear coming home. Would she be ina rage? A fugue state? She had had psychiatric problems her whole life. She still has personality shifts but as she has gotten older it’s mostly the anxiety /codependent/guilt version. She loses her sense of reality when others are not there to constantly reassure her and groin her. It’s very difficult. She doesn’t want to be a burden at some level yet she has burdened everyone her whole life with being responsible for her emotional stability. Her own mother was a horrible person so it may stem from that.