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[quote=Anonymous]OP, I am in this exact boat, only my mother is widowed and lives in assisted living 25 minutes away. If I could do it over I would have her in an inexpensive apartment with fulltime care. Not because she cant take care of herself but because she believes she can't. She calls me at all hours, and this morning called me "Idont know what's wrong, I'm shaking like a leaf, I can't lift my neck, no one here will help me, this might be the end." (literally said that). I get there, and of course once I am there she is fine and wants me to take her to lunch. But she refuses to leave her room without someone to "help" her, even though she hasn't fallen, is completely fine. She had aback problem sometime back and I got extra care for her and now she will not do anything for herself, and wants a wheelchair "in case she gets dizzy."

Although not consciously, she manipulates me so I come over to soothe her. She admitted  later today that she just needed someone in the room with her, because  she felt scared. She thinks someothing is wrong, but there's nothing wrong, except her anxiety which of course is signficantly limiting. But with no one around to listen to her, she ruminates and gets incredibly worked up. She has been like this my entire life, but I managed to avoid as much of it as possible (my dad left when he could no longer take it so I assumed that role as a young teen).

Now I have a very busy job, tween kids and I am taking her to the doctors every other day and realizing that nearly all her symptoms are anxiety (dizzy, can't breathe, headaches). There is nothing wrong except her anxiety and unfortunately its very hard to find the right RX to deal with that for older adults. No one will give her ativan or anything like that because it exacerbates neurospychiatric symptoms and fall risk. The Prozac isn't helping.  Also, she was fired by two therapists over the years because they were, frankly, sick of her calling them at all hours, complaining and freaking out. She's now alienated most of the staff at the assisted living too.

You may want to research borderline personality disorder, which was  my mother's diagnosis, and is now exacerbated by the onset of dementia. I have to learn to set up boundaries. The concept that I am solely responsible for my mother's emotional health has been ground into me since I was a child. Its very damaging to a child and confusing to me now, because of course old people do need help and the assumption is i will take care of my mother.

anyway I totally understand the need to "protect your life"--when you grow up with a parent like this, you get it. Unfortunately there is no good solution here, except the hope that your father stays well and can manage it. If not, I would suggest finding some assistance now to help them both. You may also just have to deal with the crisis if/when it comes. But there is no way that you can actually help her with her anxiety if, like my mom, is is a permanent debilitating aspect of her psychology. [/quote]

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