Reply to If you had an every other weekend parent growing up, what is your relationship like with them now?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I am late 30s. My dad was an every other weekend dad. He also took me out for dinner most Wednesday nights. The weekends at his house were always uncomfortable because he moved into his wife's house and it very much felt like HER house (even though my dad paid all the bills and she did not work -- this house was the house she had with her ex husband).

[b]It was very obvious that I wasn't wanted there by her on the weekends by the way she acted (huffy and pissed off). [/b]She was a neat freak too so I was afraid to even go get a snack out of the pantry, for example. To this day, I can't go to my dad's house without a phone call beforehand. Picture of her grandkids are all throughout the home while picture's of grandkids on my dad's side are not in the house.

I have conversations with my dad sometimes where he will make certain comments that remind me of bad memories/things that happened when I was growing up. It's mostly his insensitivity or the way he is completely out of touch with the way my life is (versus the way he has had it... which is VERY privileged). When these moments happen, it makes me take a step back and really re-evaluate how much I should talk to him. I asked him to call me yesterday and he text me asking what I wanted to talk about. It made me feel like I was a burden and we barely speak as it is. I haven't actually seen him in a few years due to distance. I replied saying I would send him an email because I was out running errands (which I wasn't, but that text made me feel like "forget it"... and it reminded me of how he never really had time for me outside of his scheduled time with me growing up).

I remember a few times when I was growing up where he made is very clear he didn't want to see me anymore than what the divorce agreement outlined. My mom needed to go out of town with my stepdad for a conference. He ended up picking me up for dinner one Wednesday night and angrily said, "Your mom thinks she can just dump you on me whenever she wants and I'm probably going to end up taking her to court for it." I began crying and then he yelled at me to stop crying. I thought at my age I had gotten past these things, but they are still there somewhere and his current behavior reminds me of all of those things. [/quote]

Hey, fellow parent trauma survivor here.

If it is any solace, your stepmom was probably the same way when you weren't around.  Sounds like your dad has accountability/insecurity/communication issues.

Now that you are an adult, first breathe.

You survived.

It is now time to determine what sort of involvement that you want him to have in YOUR life.  It is yours to do with what you want.  If you desire to build an adult relationship with him and his wife, that is a daunting task that may take a very different approach.

Speak to a therapist, and if that doesnt work, talk to another.  Remember that at this point you are the most important one in the dynamic.  Protect your heart at all costs.

Sending comfort your way, a fellow survivor.[/quote]

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