How to deal with mom's IL jealousy during birth of third child

[Anonymous]

Trying to figure out how to deal with my very reactive mom before I have my third kid.

For some context, today my mom got angry at me because last week DH, I, and our two children went on a four day trip with my in-laws and she hasn't gone on a similar trip with us. In response, I explained yet again that my in-laws paid for the trip and that if she wants to pay for a trip we will happily go with her (she vacations annually with my sister who was divorced for years and is now paying for my sister's second wedding. She has never offered to pay for any sort of family vacation and I've never asked for that since it would be super presumptuous and her financial situation is very opaque). She's afraid of being cut out of things and constantly feels that she's not invited to events when 99% of the time the events were never events. For instance, I baked a cake for my younger daughter's first birthday last year and DH, my older daughter, and I sang to her on her birthday. We did not have a party with anyone, but during our recent conversation my mom spoke about how she never attended my younger daughter's birthday. I explained yet again that there was no party, but it seems that whatever I say never registers. I get scared at having my mom come to larger family events because when my mom is around my in-laws she gets very upset if she perceives them to be getting more time with the kids or more attention or more anything.

I am having my third child in a few months and I fear that my mom will want to be there. I am not very close with her but she has a good relationship with my children and helps with childcare five or six times per year (for a weekend or for three or four days while I am traveling for work). We don't need her to help with childcare but it makes things a lot easier, which is why I entertain her childish behavior regarding my in-laws. That said, I really don't want to deal with it postpartum. She was absolutely insane after the birth of my first child. She went on and on about her traumatic experience giving birth to anyone who would listen and then had a fit when she learned my husband's mom got to hold the baby one morning when she wasn't there. She also said a number of rude things about me in front of my in-laws and I had to take her aside and beg her to stop because I had just given birth and it was really distressing to hear my own mother say mean things about me to my in-laws in front of me. My mom wasn't present for the birth of my second child during COVID but my husband texted her after the baby was born. There were complications immediately following the birth (the baby sucked down a lot of fluid, among other things) that were scary and it was pretty emotionally exhausting. My mom called me 90 minutes after the birth (at 11 pm) screaming that she was probably the last grandparent to know about it. It was one of the worst things that she's ever done to me. It really sent me into a depressive spiral for days because I was so sensitive and hormonal and also just scared for my baby. I really could not cope with being yelled at and guilt tripped by my mom when I did nothing wrong.

I don't want my mom near the hospital if she's in town for the birth of my third child and I don't want her staying with us. Normally she stays with us but I really can't take her energy postpartum. I'm thinking of telling her she can come but needs to get a hotel room, but am wondering if anyone has any other suggestions about how to approach this dumpster fire. TIA.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry, OP. It sounds like you should have her stay away for several weeks. Not sure why you’d risk another post partum episode.

[Anonymous]

Ugh, I am so sorry OP! That is a lot and it is a bit of a dumpster fire.

Normally I'm not a fan of the inlaw handling it, but in your case since you'll be hormonal and tired from birth, can your dh cut her off? I believe my DH would absolutely scream if someone treated me that way and would carry my mom out of the labor and delivery room. My own mom was very anti vaginal labor. I was progressing fine, just super slowly. She told me to get a csection and get on with it, she wanted to see the baby! DH took her outside and set her straight.

Also, if you text about going into labor or anything like that, can you do it on a big group text so she can see that she's being informed at the same time as your inlaws?

[Anonymous]

You're going to be a third time mother, OP, and it's high time you developed a thicker skin! I have two kids and had to cut my mother off for a bit because she said near-unforgivable things to me. When they show you who they are, believe them. I renewed contact because I really missed my father, and my parents come as a package deal. Since then, she's been a lot more circumspect because she knows I am prepare to follow through.

You must not be afraid of confrontation with your mother, and of telling her exactly what you need her to know. She can get mad all she wants, and relay all that info to whoever she wants - you should learn not to be bothered. My mother complained about being cut off to all her sisters, claimed she was a victim (this is her usual stance anytime she doesn't get her way)... but since they know her, they weren't exactly taking her side

I would not tell anyone you're in labor. Announce the birth after it's happened. Do not invite her. When she starts ranting, hang up or tell her you've had it with her childish behavior, and that you're not going to tolerate it going forward.

[Anonymous]

Are your in-laws going to be at the hospital? Are you having a planned c-section and do people know the date?

I think less information is your friend here and if there's any way to delay her arrival until after you leave the hospital that is best.

An absolutely ask her to get a hotel room.

And yeah, I think your husband should run interference for now. But you are going to have to set some boundaries with this woman in the future.

[Anonymous]

OP, if you haven't already told her you are pregnant- don't. Mistake #1. Sounds like she will be pissed/find something to complain about either way so just say your piece/make it clear and let the chips fall. Not a great time to have drama!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're going to be a third time mother, OP, and it's high time you developed a thicker skin! I have two kids and had to cut my mother off for a bit because she said near-unforgivable things to me. When they show you who they are, believe them. I renewed contact because I really missed my father, and my parents come as a package deal. Since then, she's been a lot more circumspect because she knows I am prepare to follow through.

You must not be afraid of confrontation with your mother, and of telling her exactly what you need her to know. She can get mad all she wants, and relay all that info to whoever she wants - you should learn not to be bothered. My mother complained about being cut off to all her sisters, claimed she was a victim (this is her usual stance anytime she doesn't get her way)... but since they know her, they weren't exactly taking her side

I would not tell anyone you're in labor. Announce the birth after it's happened. Do not invite her. When she starts ranting, hang up or tell her you've had it with her childish behavior, and that you're not going to tolerate it going forward.

Agree with this. Grow up. Own the fact that YOU are a mother (almost three times over at this point) and you need to protect yourself and your family. Stop being the little girl who is the victim of a mean mommy. Be firm. Tell her she has harmed you during some is the most precious and scary times in your life and you can no longer tolerate it. Tell her what you need from her and if she can't oblige, it's time for a break. Tell her you will no longer tolerate her pouting and complaints about your king and generous inlaws.

[Anonymous]

This will sound cold, but I would not tell her when you go into labor. And I'd feel free to not answer her calls or texts for a while. Let DH respond and say "Kim is resting; Kim is with the baby right now, etc" and when you're ready, then talk to her. If she starts yelling interrupt and say "Mom, I just gave birth and don't deserve to be screamed at. We can talk another time when you're more calm. By" and then HANG UP.

I don't say that lightly - I literally had to talk with a therapist about hanging up on my mom. And the therapist actually said to my mom "What would happen if Lauren said "I have to go; we can talk another time" and then hung up? I mean, would you die?" And my mom totally said "Well, maybe." And that's what gave me the freedom to hang up on her.

[Anonymous]

Sorry OP. You have an emotionally immature parent and you will need to set boundaries to protect your feelings. I’m so sorry you have to go through this.

Agree with others - you’re not obliged to tell her you’re pregnant, that you’re in labour, or even that you delivered the baby.

You’re not obliged to say yes if she says she wants to be in town during the birth or immediately postpartum.

You don’t have to answer the phone when she calls. You don’t have to return her calls.

You don’t have to listen to her when she starts screaming. You can just hang up or say “sorry mom, I can’t listen to this and will hang up”.

If your MiL will be supportive and help with the household and kids during postpartum, enlist her help. You don’t need to feel guilty about that.

Good luck and congratulations on#3!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry OP. You have an emotionally immature parent and you will need to set boundaries to protect your feelings. I’m so sorry you have to go through this.

Agree with others - you’re not obliged to tell her you’re pregnant, that you’re in labour, or even that you delivered the baby.

You’re not obliged to say yes if she says she wants to be in town during the birth or immediately postpartum.

You don’t have to answer the phone when she calls. You don’t have to return her calls.

You don’t have to listen to her when she starts screaming. You can just hang up or say “sorry mom, I can’t listen to this and will hang up”.

If your MiL will be supportive and help with the household and kids during postpartum, enlist her help. You don’t need to feel guilty about that.

Good luck and congratulations on#3!

Also her childcare support is not worth dealing with her childish behavior. Hire a nanny instead. If your mom begs to babysit then tell her that is only possible is she does not do XYZ. Personally I’d just allow her to visit, in a limited way, so that your kids can develop a relationship with her. But she still needs to informed that she can’t behave like a jerk towards you or there will be no more visits - this may take longer to work out. For post partum, see above.

[Anonymous]

OP, you have choices here. Several posters have given excellent advice. You can choose to take that advice and set clear boundaries. Decide whether it’s more important to be a weak daughter for your immature mother or a strong mother for your own children.

[Anonymous]

She is a narcissist. It is all about her. You will not win. Give her clear boundaries and consequences for breaking those boundaries. And stick to them. Do not share your birth plan. She is emotionally manipulative and is sucking the life out of you. Stand strong my friend!

And for those of you telling her to grow up and mature, this is her mom. It is hard to do this to someone who didn't raise you. Even harder to the person who did. Show some grace.

And get another babysitter.

[Anonymous]

The free child care isn’t worth this. Cut way, way back on this nonsense

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She is a narcissist. It is all about her. You will not win. Give her clear boundaries and consequences for breaking those boundaries. And stick to them. Do not share your birth plan. She is emotionally manipulative and is sucking the life out of you. Stand strong my friend!

And for those of you telling her to grow up and mature, this is her mom. It is hard to do this to someone who didn't raise you. Even harder to the person who did. Show some grace.

And get another babysitter.

+1

We had to do this with MIL, who thought she was coming to the hospital for the birth. When we told her it was not the hospital near her house, she backed down a bit, but still thought she would be in the hospital to disrupt us with her snarky BS. We shut that down. You have to shut it down, OP. She will never (ever) change! We hired a day sitter for our other kids while I was in the hospital and during recovery, and never looked back. That sitter is still an important part of our family, and we share their life milestones (weddings, etc.) with them, with genuine love and appreciation. Turns out, we were right - when MIL did finally come over, she was rude and snarky, and it was all about her, as usual. Limit your time with such a toxic person, OP, you have your own family now.

[Anonymous]

Stop responding to her tantrums, yelling, and bad behavior. If she yells at you on the phone, tell her to stop or you'll hang up -- then do just that. If it's in person, take her aside and give her a choice to stop or leave -- then get her coat and bag and escort her out. Stop engaging in conversations about who got what and what she didn't get. Answer once and then hang up or disengage.

I'm guessing that you wouldn't accept this behavior from your kids, why put up with it from another adult?

Your new baby, your own health, and your postpartum experience are more important than her perceived slights. Your kids shouldn't have to witness their grandmother berating their mother. And if she treats you this way, eventually she'll treat your kids the same.

OP, I'm sorry you have a difficult mother, but it's OK to put you and your family first. I hope you have an easy birth and healthy baby.