How to deal with mom's IL jealousy during birth of third child

[Anonymous]

Just be honest and hold firm. Tell her she was highly emotional and critical, ruining your last two birth experiences. Start setting boundaries and sticking to them now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just be honest and hold firm. Tell her she was highly emotional and critical, ruining your last two birth experiences. Start setting boundaries and sticking to them now.

+1

This is what people lie that try to do - don't let them, OP.

[Anonymous]

Let her take your other two kids for a week while you spend time with the newborn.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're going to be a third time mother, OP, and it's high time you developed a thicker skin! I have two kids and had to cut my mother off for a bit because she said near-unforgivable things to me. When they show you who they are, believe them. I renewed contact because I really missed my father, and my parents come as a package deal. Since then, she's been a lot more circumspect because she knows I am prepare to follow through.

You must not be afraid of confrontation with your mother, and of telling her exactly what you need her to know. She can get mad all she wants, and relay all that info to whoever she wants - you should learn not to be bothered. My mother complained about being cut off to all her sisters, claimed she was a victim (this is her usual stance anytime she doesn't get her way)... but since they know her, they weren't exactly taking her side

I would not tell anyone you're in labor. Announce the birth after it's happened. Do not invite her. When she starts ranting, hang up or tell her you've had it with her childish behavior, and that you're not going to tolerate it going forward.

Agree with this. Grow up. Own the fact that YOU are a mother (almost three times over at this point) and you need to protect yourself and your family. Stop being the little girl who is the victim of a mean mommy. Be firm. Tell her she has harmed you during some is the most precious and scary times in your life and you can no longer tolerate it. Tell her what you need from her and if she can't oblige, it's time for a break. Tell her you will no longer tolerate her pouting and complaints about your king and generous inlaws.

Agree with the principle of it, even if the PP says it like an a$$hole (not necessary, PP).

Just tell her how it's going to go and why. You can't control her reaction. And since her reaction will be dramatics and hysterics anyway, at least with some boundaries you will have peace immediately after giving birth.

Just as an aside: I have to ask why you are ok with someone treating you like this? Even if it is your mom? I would say she is treating you how you allow her to treat you. Start making changes and shut down bad behavior. Address it head on and stop allowing it. She can stew and act how she wants but she shouldn't be allowed to treat you poorly or abusively. And I'd cut off access until when and if her behavior approves. Full stop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let her take your other two kids for a week while you spend time with the newborn.

no, don't do that, OP. let the whole family bond with the newborn together, including 2 older kids.

[Anonymous]

Your mom screamed at you over the phone the day your 2nd was born? HARD PASS.

You: Mom, we'd love to have you come visit when the baby is X weeks old. We'll need you to stay in a hotel; we're not having any house guests during the newborn phase.

(I make this a universal rule, in-laws too, houseguests with a newborn is crazy)

Her: WHAT??!! What about the in-laws? This is completely unacceptable.

You: No one is staying at the house for the first four months, mom. It's too much for us to handle. Yes, the in-laws may be visiting the first week after the baby is born. You know that I love you, and I love that you're close with my children, and I'm excited for you to bond with new baby too. But your behavior towards me when Larla was born was unacceptable. We were dealing with a stressful situation and you chose to yell at me. I will not be subjected to that again.

Her: <Loses her mind>

You: My decision is final. Gotta go, mom. Love you! <hang up>


X is 3-12 weeks, IMHO, but you can wrestle with your conscious on that.

This is a boundary desperately begging to be held.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your mom screamed at you over the phone the day your 2nd was born? HARD PASS.

You: Mom, we'd love to have you come visit when the baby is X weeks old. We'll need you to stay in a hotel; we're not having any house guests during the newborn phase.

(I make this a universal rule, in-laws too, houseguests with a newborn is crazy)

Her: WHAT??!! What about the in-laws? This is completely unacceptable.

You: No one is staying at the house for the first four months, mom. It's too much for us to handle. Yes, the in-laws may be visiting the first week after the baby is born. You know that I love you, and I love that you're close with my children, and I'm excited for you to bond with new baby too. But your behavior towards me when Larla was born was unacceptable. We were dealing with a stressful situation and you chose to yell at me. I will not be subjected to that again.

Her: <Loses her mind>

You: My decision is final. Gotta go, mom. Love you! <hang up>


X is 3-12 weeks, IMHO, but you can wrestle with your conscious on that.

This is a boundary desperately begging to be held.

PP to add two things:

1) Also don't take any calls or have any interaction with her in those first few weeks. Your husband can call her and tell her when the baby is born, and send her updates. Tell her in advance, "Husband is going to be in charge of communication, I need to focus on the baby, so he'll be the one talking to you. I won't be using my phone." If she's a caller, just never pick up when she calls. If she's a texter, block her number a couple weeks.

2) Stop trying to explain things to her. You said it yourself - it never registers. She gets ONE explanation, then she gets, "we already discussed this," and if she doesn't drop it, "gotta go, mom" <click>.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your mom screamed at you over the phone the day your 2nd was born? HARD PASS.

You: Mom, we'd love to have you come visit when the baby is X weeks old. We'll need you to stay in a hotel; we're not having any house guests during the newborn phase.

(I make this a universal rule, in-laws too, houseguests with a newborn is crazy)

Her: WHAT??!! What about the in-laws? This is completely unacceptable.

You: No one is staying at the house for the first four months, mom. It's too much for us to handle. Yes, the in-laws may be visiting the first week after the baby is born. You know that I love you, and I love that you're close with my children, and I'm excited for you to bond with new baby too. But your behavior towards me when Larla was born was unacceptable. We were dealing with a stressful situation and you chose to yell at me. I will not be subjected to that again.

Her: <Loses her mind>

You: My decision is final. Gotta go, mom. Love you! <hang up>


X is 3-12 weeks, IMHO, but you can wrestle with your conscious on that.

This is a boundary desperately begging to be held.

PP to add two things:

1) Also don't take any calls or have any interaction with her in those first few weeks. Your husband can call her and tell her when the baby is born, and send her updates. Tell her in advance, "Husband is going to be in charge of communication, I need to focus on the baby, so he'll be the one talking to you. I won't be using my phone." If she's a caller, just never pick up when she calls. If she's a texter, block her number a couple weeks.

2) Stop trying to explain things to her. You said it yourself - it never registers. She gets ONE explanation, then she gets, "we already discussed this," and if she doesn't drop it, "gotta go, mom" <click>.

PP again! Just thought of another thing:

The one thing you need to do is give up hope that she will ever change. This is who she is. There is nothing you can say or do that can change that. She WILL behave badly, especially when there's any potential jealous aspect. You cannot say or do ANYTHING to change this. All you can do is adapt how you handle her to meet that reality.

[Anonymous]

Read Understanding the Borderline Mother by Christine Ann Lawson.

[Anonymous]

Wow, she has a lot of narcissistic attributes. You can set boundaries which will protect you but will probably make her get worse/mad at first until she knows you mean business. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just be honest and hold firm. Tell her she was highly emotional and critical, ruining your last two birth experiences. Start setting boundaries and sticking to them now.

+1

This is what people lie that try to do - don't let them, OP.

*like

Narcissists do not change, OP.

[Anonymous]

Was your mom the last grandparent to know about the birth? Your DH could have called.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Was your mom the last grandparent to know about the birth? Your DH could have called.

I mean, someone has to be the last to find out? We have four sets of grandparents (both my parents and DH’s are long divorced and remarried), we called them 1 by 1 in the hospital to announce the arrival.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your mom screamed at you over the phone the day your 2nd was born? HARD PASS.

You: Mom, we'd love to have you come visit when the baby is X weeks old. We'll need you to stay in a hotel; we're not having any house guests during the newborn phase.

(I make this a universal rule, in-laws too, houseguests with a newborn is crazy)

Her: WHAT??!! What about the in-laws? This is completely unacceptable.

You: No one is staying at the house for the first four months, mom. It's too much for us to handle. Yes, the in-laws may be visiting the first week after the baby is born. You know that I love you, and I love that you're close with my children, and I'm excited for you to bond with new baby too. But your behavior towards me when Larla was born was unacceptable. We were dealing with a stressful situation and you chose to yell at me. I will not be subjected to that again.

Her: <Loses her mind>

You: My decision is final. Gotta go, mom. Love you! <hang up>


X is 3-12 weeks, IMHO, but you can wrestle with your conscious on that.

This is a boundary desperately begging to be held.

PP to add two things:

1) Also don't take any calls or have any interaction with her in those first few weeks. Your husband can call her and tell her when the baby is born, and send her updates. Tell her in advance, "Husband is going to be in charge of communication, I need to focus on the baby, so he'll be the one talking to you. I won't be using my phone." If she's a caller, just never pick up when she calls. If she's a texter, block her number a couple weeks.

2) Stop trying to explain things to her. You said it yourself - it never registers. She gets ONE explanation, then she gets, "we already discussed this," and if she doesn't drop it, "gotta go, mom" <click>.

PP again! Just thought of another thing:

The one thing you need to do is give up hope that she will ever change. This is who she is. There is nothing you can say or do that can change that. She WILL behave badly, especially when there's any potential jealous aspect. You cannot say or do ANYTHING to change this. All you can do is adapt how you handle her to meet that reality.

This line of advice is excellent and you should heed it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Was your mom the last grandparent to know about the birth? Your DH could have called.

It does not matter if she was last. Whether intentional or not. A) someone has to be last. and B) if she was told around the same time, that is suffiicent, and C) her behavior indicates she should be last (for me at least).

This is not something grown adults get pissed about.