is it kind of rude to NOT say no presents at a bday?

[Anonymous]

DS goes to a small private school where most/all families are doing fine financially and the kids likely get plenty of toys and gifts from parents and extended family on their bdays. In his kindergarten class roughly half to 2/3 the kids have said no presents on their bday invites and the other portion didn't say that.

I always thought I'd be a no gifts parent, the last thing I want in my house is more toys that aren't even necessarily things he wants or need, but he's really into the idea of getting presents from his friends. He's helped pick out what to get the kids that have had gifts and has pondered what friends will pick for him. I haven't yet said either way whether he'll have gifts at his bday party, for the other kids I've explained that some parents feel their kids already have so much stuff that they're just excited to have the friends come for the party.

Is it viewed negatively now if you don't say no gifts? I was surprised by the first couple families that didn't, but that could just be a me-bias because I couldn't imagine wanting a bunch more junk and hadn't yet experienced a kid that was thinking about getting presents from friends at their party.

[Anonymous]

You’re overthinking this. It’s not a problem not to make a party “no gifts.”

[Anonymous]

Presents on birthdays are an important part of our culture. Don't give in to the people who are trying to break every single tradition we have. Next we'll be asked to forgo cake and ice cream.

Be strong, people! Give presents to children at birthday parties!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DS goes to a small private school where most/all families are doing fine financially and the kids likely get plenty of toys and gifts from parents and extended family on their bdays. In his kindergarten class roughly half to 2/3 the kids have said no presents on their bday invites and the other portion didn't say that.

I always thought I'd be a no gifts parent, the last thing I want in my house is more toys that aren't even necessarily things he wants or need, but he's really into the idea of getting presents from his friends. He's helped pick out what to get the kids that have had gifts and has pondered what friends will pick for him. I haven't yet said either way whether he'll have gifts at his bday party, for the other kids I've explained that some parents feel their kids already have so much stuff that they're just excited to have the friends come for the party.

Is it viewed negatively now if you don't say no gifts? I was surprised by the first couple families that didn't, but that could just be a me-bias because I couldn't imagine wanting a bunch more junk and hadn't yet experienced a kid that was thinking about getting presents from friends at their party.

You're not the one who has to want it -- the presents are for your kids, not YOU. You're clearly already a "no-gifts" person, so why pretend with this post, asking a fake question?

Your kids sound like a lot of fun, too -- not wanting gifts at their birthday party. No kid is "just excited to have their friends come over" unless they're shut-ins the rest of the year. Do your kids get out of the house? At all?

Of course they'd be excited to have presents. They're not dead inside, like middle aged curmudgeons who only think about what a hassle it is FOR THEM if their kids get gifts. How sad for your kids.

Stop forcing kids to be middle aged duds. Let them be kids, excited about getting presents. Then deal with cleaning up after the party, where to put the stuff, what to keep, what to give away, writing a thank you not, and all the REAL reasons you don't want to deal with gifts at your kids' party: lazy selfish parenting.

[Anonymous]

No. It’s actually rude to mention gifts on an invitation.

[Anonymous]

We just follow what’s written on the invitation. If it says no gifts we just bring a card. Otherwise we bring something. I don’t judge what the parents want to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No. It’s actually rude to mention gifts on an invitation.

Yep this.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like your son wants gifts, OP, so I'd honor that desire. But you can use this as a teachable moment on how to receive gifts gracefully--saying thank you and looking happy, regardless of what is received, writing thank you notes, etc. There will always be times in life where one receives a present, and doing so politely is a learned skill.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No. It’s actually rude to mention gifts on an invitation.

Please stop repeating this. Manners and social norms evolve.

Op, it totally depends on your crowd. In our neighborhood group where all the kids and siblings go to each other's parties, there are just two families out of about 20 who didn't write "no gifts" on their invitations over the last few years. I don't think that was rude, but because it was outside the norm there was a little grumbling among parents at drop off about how they had to do a last minute gift run because they didn't notice that earlier that the invitation was missing the "no gifts" line.

Officially the grumblers were the rude ones, of course, but nonetheless it happened and tbh it was annoying to have to make a trip to get gifts when it wasn't the norm.

One of the two families made a big deal about how they would donate some of the gifts which was also a little weird, but that's another story.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No. It’s actually rude to mention gifts on an invitation.

Please stop repeating this. Manners and social norms evolve.

Op, it totally depends on your crowd. In our neighborhood group where all the kids and siblings go to each other's parties, there are just two families out of about 20 who didn't write "no gifts" on their invitations over the last few years. I don't think that was rude, but because it was outside the norm there was a little grumbling among parents at drop off about how they had to do a last minute gift run because they didn't notice that earlier that the invitation was missing the "no gifts" line.

Officially the grumblers were the rude ones, of course, but nonetheless it happened and tbh it was annoying to have to make a trip to get gifts when it wasn't the norm.

One of the two families made a big deal about how they would donate some of the gifts which was also a little weird, but that's another story.

You are ruining life. You squash joy like a kid squashes bugs under their sneakers. Grumbling about having to go out to buy a child a gift on their birthday. Gross.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DS goes to a small private school where most/all families are doing fine financially and the kids likely get plenty of toys and gifts from parents and extended family on their bdays. In his kindergarten class roughly half to 2/3 the kids have said no presents on their bday invites and the other portion didn't say that.

I always thought I'd be a no gifts parent, the last thing I want in my house is more toys that aren't even necessarily things he wants or need, but he's really into the idea of getting presents from his friends. He's helped pick out what to get the kids that have had gifts and has pondered what friends will pick for him. I haven't yet said either way whether he'll have gifts at his bday party, for the other kids I've explained that some parents feel their kids already have so much stuff that they're just excited to have the friends come for the party.

Is it viewed negatively now if you don't say no gifts? I was surprised by the first couple families that didn't, but that could just be a me-bias because I couldn't imagine wanting a bunch more junk and hadn't yet experienced a kid that was thinking about getting presents from friends at their party.

You're not the one who has to want it -- the presents are for your kids, not YOU. You're clearly already a "no-gifts" person, so why pretend with this post, asking a fake question?

Your kids sound like a lot of fun, too -- not wanting gifts at their birthday party. No kid is "just excited to have their friends come over" unless they're shut-ins the rest of the year. Do your kids get out of the house? At all?

Of course they'd be excited to have presents. They're not dead inside, like middle aged curmudgeons who only think about what a hassle it is FOR THEM if their kids get gifts. How sad for your kids.

Stop forcing kids to be middle aged duds. Let them be kids, excited about getting presents. Then deal with cleaning up after the party, where to put the stuff, what to keep, what to give away, writing a thank you not, and all the REAL reasons you don't want to deal with gifts at your kids' party: lazy selfish parenting.

This is a pretty myopic and self centered view, first of all assuming all kids, families, and cultures are alike. My kids personally don’t want crap just to have crap. Their birthdays aren’t full of sadness and lacking in joy if we don’t expect their friends to bring gifts. They tell us what they want for their birthday and we get them what they ask for (and they ask for things that are totally reasonable for a birthday). They get gifts that they want from us, their grandparents, their godparents, and some uncles and aunts. Also, some of their friends are in situations where their parents can’t even afford to put a nutritious meal on the table, so why the hell would we put them in a position where they feel stressed about coming to a party? In my culture, the host treats the guests like gold and don’t put any pressure on them to return any favor just for being invited.

That said, OP, if your kid wants gifts at his/her party then just don’t say anything on the invite. It’s not a big deal either way. It’s actually the judgment and assumptions that people make like the privileged jack hole above that are problematic.

[Anonymous]

No one is obligated to bring a gift, whether the invite says no gifts or not. If you resent feeling like you "have" to bring a gift because the host did not say "no gifts," then please recognize you are putting that on yourself.

My kids love picking out gifts for their friends, so we do it unless the host says "no gifts." But I do not teach my kids that gifts are an obligation.

[Anonymous]

My kids love languages are gifts and quality time. I hate gifts. She will never have a “no gift” party. Gifts are incredibly meaningful to her.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP - your kid is into gifts. It is not rude to not write "no gifts." Your child is likely going to be sensitive to what they receive and this will be a good time for them to learn about how other people view gifts. Hope your kid has a great bday - they sound like a great friend.

[Anonymous]

If my kid really wanted gifts, I would just not say "no gifts". Sure, maybe a few other parents will judge you for it, but does it really matter? It's not that much effort to get a gift and I personally enjoy buying other kids' presents so I wouldn't mind at all. Plus, if there are a ton of birthday parties, I doubt parents will even remember which ones are gifts and which ones are no gifts. Doubt it will cost you any potential friendships or playdates, if that's what you're worried about.

That's based on the fact that you say 1/3 of the class doesn't say "no gifts". If 100% of parents wrote no gifts, of course I wouldn't want to be the only one who didn't say that.