I worry so much about my 13 year old DS

[Anonymous]

I just can't, at this moment, see this child growing up to be a happy, productive member of society. I hope I am catastrophizing, but I feel so down because nothing ever seems to improve with him. He's a boy and he's got ADHD (treated), both of which can lead to a later maturity, so we'll see. I also think there may be some depression at play, so we're working on that as well.

The thing that makes me worry about him is that he does not put effort into anything. He half asses everything and then lies about it. You have to tell him each step every single day and then you have to follow behind him to make sure he's done it, then tell him to do it again when he clearly didn't do it, then watch or the cycle will repeat itself. I'm not even trying to catch him lying and I can't help but see so many, so I can only wonder about the stuff he does/doesn't do that we don't notice. Homework, hygiene, picking up after himself, eating snack after snack. Although it's constant, it's all little stuff but I feel pretty sure that's because he's too young to get into big stuff.

I don't want every interaction to be a negative one, so often I'll try to ignore the first several times something simple didn't happen but then he will just argue and argue. Here's a small example (it's just one small example but so many things are just like this.).

As we're getting ready to leave, I call to him, "Are you ready to go? Did you brush your teeth yet?"
Answer, "Yep!"

As I walk past the bathroom I see his toothbrush in the container (he never puts it in the container) and his brother's toothbrush on the sink, about to roll off. As I go by, I put brother's toothbrush into its container and see that DS12 toothbrush is completely dry. I know I didn't see him brush his teeth last night so I'm thinking this is a long time without brushing and, rather than accuse him of lying, I go to him and say, "I don't think you brushed your teeth well enough, please do it again."

He says, "I did! I spent extra time!
I say "Your toothbrush is dry, so please do it again."
Him: "No, it's not, mom; it's wet. You didn't see it. I used a new toothbrush."
Stupid me, I believe him, "You did? Oh, ok. I didn't realize that; I thought we were out of new toothbrushes. Where did you find it?"
Him: Silence
Me (to self: Oh, right. Of course he'd rather spend 5 minutes lying about a new toothbrush then simply brushing his teeth!)
Me: Go brush your teeth.
Him (in a very aggrieved tone): You never believe me!
So he stomps off, runs the water for 30 seconds, comes back and says "Done." I doubt he brushed his teeth so that leaves me with insisting he go back while I watch him or just let it go. Multiply that by everything.

Everything is like this. Showering, getting dressed with clean underpants, doing homework, picking up after himself, everything he is supposed to do. I just don't see any improvement. He gives up on even enjoyable activities if they get hard. He's adopted this kind of snarkiness that I think he thinks makes him seem more grown up or something but I think it's probably off-putting to peers. He's got some LD's as well. He does ok in school because we make him do his homework and check behind him but that will only work for so long.

He's a sweet kid; he cares about animals and anyone smaller than him. He likes to seem intelligent by spouting obscure facts. He likes being funny. He likes to listen to audiobooks; he's got a creative way of looking at the world. He's smart.

Sometimes I'm amazed by how well he can think through an argument, for example, the other day our driveway was blocked, so we had to park on the street. He said we should sue the people who blocked us and I told him I didn't think we'd win money just because we had to walk a little extra. He said, "What if someone hits our car because it was on the street, then they would owe us the money for the car because it was their fault we were there." After we noticed the people blocking our driveway were workers we'd hired he said, "Oh, no, they'll probably say we gave them permission to block our driveway because we hired them, so it's not their fault after all." Again, it's a small example, but I thought that was a pretty good legal point and counterpoint from a 12 year old.

Why am I writing this? Looking for reassurance I guess that someday he'll follow through on enough things that he'll be able to hold a job. He's only 13. I just wish I could see some improvement with any of these bad habits because I think he's a great kid but lacks all effort.

[Anonymous]

Oh OP, I can totally relate as a mom of a 13 year old with ADHD. It’s exhausting, it’s frustrating, it’s antagonizing, and it causes a mama to worry so much. I would perhaps move this to the special needs board for some useful advice. Have you tried watching Russell Bartky’s videos for parents on YouTube? A lot of helpful insights there from a doctor who knows ADHD in and out.

Lastly - keep your focus on this. Your son sounds…well, really kind of awesome. “He's a sweet kid; he cares about animals and anyone smaller than him. He likes to seem intelligent by spouting obscure facts. He likes being funny. He likes to listen to audiobooks; he's got a creative way of looking at the world. He's smart.“

Executive functioning skills will come, initiative will improve with age. But you can’t force kindness, you can’t force intelligence, you can’t teach humor. Those are gifts your son naturally has, and it’s wonderful.

[Anonymous]

This is probably not what you want to hear, but:

I'm sure he'll be able to get and keep a job, and contribute to society. But it may not be the future or the type of career you envisioned for him.

When he gets to HS, or even when making his electives for MS, make sure you encourage him to explore some of the non-traditional programs.

[Anonymous]

This is my son.

He is now 18 and finishing his first year in college.

He is still the same in many ways, but life is beginning to toughen him up. He is learning that the world (teachers, friends, potential girlfriends, random adults) do not put up with his BS statements the way his mama did too often.

And if he wants to stay in this college that we are paying big bucks for, he is going to have to maintain a certain GPA. That, finally, has gotten his attention and he is realizing that his definition of "effort" is not cutting it.

OP, your son will eventually feel consequences that matter to him for not following through on things. If he goes to school too often without brushing his teeth, someone will tell him he has bad breath and will start a big to-do that may eventually reach the entire grade, about how he stinks.

Rather than console him when he's embarrassed, realize that this is the best thing that could happen to him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is my son.

He is now 18 and finishing his first year in college.

He is still the same in many ways, but life is beginning to toughen him up. He is learning that the world (teachers, friends, potential girlfriends, random adults) do not put up with his BS statements the way his mama did too often.

And if he wants to stay in this college that we are paying big bucks for, he is going to have to maintain a certain GPA. That, finally, has gotten his attention and he is realizing that his definition of "effort" is not cutting it.

OP, your son will eventually feel consequences that matter to him for not following through on things. If he goes to school too often without brushing his teeth, someone will tell him he has bad breath and will start a big to-do that may eventually reach the entire grade, about how he stinks.

Rather than console him when he's embarrassed, realize that this is the best thing that could happen to him.

This is actually a great point.

Around 13 we had to have more direct conversations with our son about certain things.

"Look, I don't care if you don't want to put deodorant on, but you will quickly become known as the smelly kid in school."

"I don't care if you don't want to style your hair, or if you don't want it cut. But if you think any girl would be interested in talking to you when you look homeless, you're wrong.'

[Anonymous]

[Anonymous]

My son is 13 and does not have ADHD and 100 percent self manages all school work and gets As and has activities he really cares about and does well in with zero supervision….and still I relate to a lot of your post.

My point in saying this is some of this is being 13. They are contrary, oppositional, pushing boundaries, and in the end trying to assert independence in so many ways. My son lies about brushing his teeth, leaves his room a mess, eats snacks constantly, won’t brush his hair, and on and on.

I don’t have advice really. I do think they need to experience consequences. So I try to let a lot of it go and pick battles.

[Anonymous]

You have no reason to think he won’t be a contributing member of society. It might not look like you want it to look, but it sounds like he is pretty darn functional.

I have a child that will never, ever be a functioning member of society. She has profound intellectual disability and is cognitively less that one years old. She is a teenager that wears diapers and has zero functional communication. She doesn’t point, nod her head, etc. She requires 24/7 care and will end up in a facility.

You have a child with ADHD and perhaps some other issues. It sounds like your child can communicate and navigate the world. Perhaps not in the way you want it to happen, but they can do it. I totally get that what you are dealing with is frustrating, annoying and feels enormous. But really, your child has tons of things going for them in addition to challenges.

[Anonymous]

He hasnt matured. Wait until he likes someone romantically. His hygiene will improve dramatically.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is my son.

He is now 18 and finishing his first year in college.

He is still the same in many ways, but life is beginning to toughen him up. He is learning that the world (teachers, friends, potential girlfriends, random adults) do not put up with his BS statements the way his mama did too often.

And if he wants to stay in this college that we are paying big bucks for, he is going to have to maintain a certain GPA. That, finally, has gotten his attention and he is realizing that his definition of "effort" is not cutting it.

OP, your son will eventually feel consequences that matter to him for not following through on things. If he goes to school too often without brushing his teeth, someone will tell him he has bad breath and will start a big to-do that may eventually reach the entire grade, about how he stinks.

Rather than console him when he's embarrassed, realize that this is the best thing that could happen to him.

Yep. Remove the safety net slowly and that includes for school work. Bad grades in middle school don’t matter. But you can communicate that grades below a B means no phone. Stuff like that. And of course you offer all the support needed along the way (which is different than managing it for them).

My son was not a teeth brusher and he did not enjoy getting that cavity filled when he was past the little kid dentist. Sorry kid. Brush your teeth I guess. You’re lucky you see a dentist and I’m able to pay for a cavity getting filled. The rest is up to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He hasnt matured. Wait until he likes someone romantically. His hygiene will improve dramatically.

+100

That's when you need to have the talk about "how much cologne is too much cologne"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have no reason to think he won’t be a contributing member of society. It might not look like you want it to look, but it sounds like he is pretty darn functional.

I have a child that will never, ever be a functioning member of society. She has profound intellectual disability and is cognitively less that one years old. She is a teenager that wears diapers and has zero functional communication. She doesn’t point, nod her head, etc. She requires 24/7 care and will end up in a facility.

You have a child with ADHD and perhaps some other issues. It sounds like your child can communicate and navigate the world. Perhaps not in the way you want it to happen, but they can do it. I totally get that what you are dealing with is frustrating, annoying and feels enormous. But really, your child has tons of things going for them in addition to challenges.

Here's your gold medal. You win the SN Olympics.

[Anonymous]

Take him to the dentist, ask them to explain the consequences of poor oral hygiene. And yes I think it will all get better. His brain is only halfway to maturity.

[Anonymous]

Oh…crap. My 7 yo is like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Take him to the dentist, ask them to explain the consequences of poor oral hygiene. And yes I think it will all get better. His brain is only halfway to maturity.

A cavity filled every 6 months probably isn't enough of a consequence.

Never having a girl kiss you, now that's a consequence. But he might not be able to put 2 and 2 together on that front