I worry so much about my 13 year old DS

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Take him to the dentist, ask them to explain the consequences of poor oral hygiene. And yes I think it will all get better. His brain is only halfway to maturity.

I have a DS like this. The dentist and orthodontist have spoken to him. He does not care.

[Anonymous]

About the toothbrush thing...

my now 14.5 yr old DD, no ADHD, does the same thing.

She doesn't like brushing her teeth, and when I catch the toothbrush dry, she denies it, and says, "I swear.. I don't know why it's dry.. but I swear I did it."

I make her do it again, and she gets into a big huff.

When things are calm, and we are having a nice chat, I will bring up these incidences, and she will say that sometimes, she really does think she did it, but must be getting it confused with yesterday or some other time when she did it. She does this with other things she doesn't like doing.

It's because 1. she's not paying attention to what she's doing because she is always thinking of other things 2. she hates brushing her teeth. 3. she is immature.

I also have a DS, no ADHD, and DS is also pretty immature. Actually, both are. They are late bloomers.

They will eventually mature, and it will get better. I'm seeing this with my older DS.

[Anonymous]

I could have written this post about my almost 14yo dd with adhd. She is having huge friend issues though too (just kicked out of her group after 2 years) from her inability to pick up social cues and that piece is really hard to watch. Her therapist tells me it takes these kids so much effort to do certain things that we see it as "not caring" but to them it's just an issue of that last thing on the last or last 5 things on the list may just seem like what will put them over the edge. I really hope she will mature in high school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Yeah right as if Elon Musk didn’t act like a spoiled child as a kid either.

[Anonymous]

Pick your battles, but when my kid lies to me about brushing I tell them that they need to inform me every time they brush that week or they'll be doing it again. They broke my trust and need to demonstrate that they reliably brush twice a day without me chiding. If they want to act like a little kid, then I'll treat them like one.

For that week, when the brush they call "brushing" and I call back "okay" so I know it happened. If they don't tell me, it didn't count and they brush again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh…crap. My 7 yo is like this.

Same with my 9 year old. There is nothing wrong with going to the trades.

[Anonymous]

He is too young for that now, but send him to work in the summer in a year or two. Not an internship at your friend's office, a regular minimum wage kid summer job. There is something magical about being treated as a grown up by people not related to you and things being demanded of you, accordingly - smiling when you don't feel like it, showing up on time and picking up other people's $hit. And getting paid for it. My daughter was a lot like your son until she got her first summer job at 14.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh…crap. My 7 yo is like this.

Same with my 9 year old. There is nothing wrong with going to the trades.

OP here. I agree, there's nothing wrong with the trades. If you notice, I was talking about a job, not college. But even the "trades" are not an easy path for someone who doesn't follow through on what they say will do.

Forgetting the hygiene for the moment, last week these lies were also in play:
1. He has to write a reading log every night.
Did you do your log? Yes.
Are you sure, because I'm going to check.
I'm sure.
Reading log done? Nope.

2. He has to complete a math challenge in school to show memorization of math facts. Teacher says this is required to pass the math class. He has to do 3 sets of numbers within 50 seconds, then all facts within 3 minutes (or something like that). Math is not a strong subject and the math facts are weak, so he needs to practice at home. The kids do it when they are ready and then advance to the next set.
Have you passed 7-8-9 yet?
Yes, I did 7-8-9 and 10-11-12.
Teacher note: Please work with Larlo on math facts, he needs to pass 7-8-9 to get to the rest and time is running out.

3. They are supposed to have no more than 2 of those snack bag snacks per day so they have enough for lunches.
Big brother - we're out of snacks
How can that be? Who is eating the extra snacks?
Denials all around
Lots of wrappers found in DS13 room (of course, not supposed to eat in bedrooms).

4. Phone not left downstairs on charger at night, where is it?
I don't know, I misplaced it in the house somewhere and forgot to put it on the charger.
Phone found, was used throughout the night.

It is constant. Constant. I do not want to nag this kid all the time. I do not want every interaction to be so negative. I love this child to death but he is hard. These are small things because he has little autonomy due to his age (and is very bad at covering his tracks). Soon he will have more autonomy and I have a hard time envisioning him making good choices. I hope pp's are right that he will mature.

[Anonymous]

No advice, but I sympathize as my 12 year old son is a lot like your son. He also has ADHD and does the bare minimum and is stubborn and immature.

My only hope that is that he grows out of it. My son, and your description of your son, actually reminds me a lot of my younger brother. Both my son and my brother are the type of people who you can't tell anything to. They have to learn themselves the hard way and you can't really motivate them at all, they have to motivate themselves.

My brother finally pulled it all together in his early 20s and is happily married with a good job and a house and all that.

[Anonymous]

My DS like this is only 10, but I have taught middle school for 15 years. Many MANY boys at 13/14 are like this. It’s exhausting, but a lot of them seem to start improving by junior/senior year of high school. They just have a different air about them (I work in a secondary school, so I get the pleasure of seeing them mature a little bit). I will say, it totally freaks me out that some of them are getting drivers licenses and still are so lax about self-care and are so hard headed.

[Anonymous]

OP, just sympathy. My son is only 10 (and I have had a hard time getting an official ADHD diagnosis even though it’s SO obvious to me), but I could have written your post.

My kid has a heart of gold, would give anyone the shirt off his back, but the constant nagging and monitoring is exhausting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Take him to the dentist, ask them to explain the consequences of poor oral hygiene. And yes I think it will all get better. His brain is only halfway to maturity.

Oh, please.

You don't have a teenage son, do you?

My dentist scared me into flossing when I was a kid. It worked.

+1 My ADHD teen DS listens to the dentist more than he listens to me. The advice was not bad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Take him to the dentist, ask them to explain the consequences of poor oral hygiene. And yes I think it will all get better. His brain is only halfway to maturity.

A cavity filled every 6 months probably isn't enough of a consequence.

Never having a girl kiss you, now that's a consequence. But he might not be able to put 2 and 2 together on that front

Why does everyone immediately think a kid is straight? Op how would you like it if someone always checked on you and watched over you? Pretty annoyed. Just drop the rope. If he doesn't brush his teeth or change his underwear it doesn't matter. Provide clean clothes and then try not to hover. See what happens! But before you do let him know that is what you are doing. Same with homework. Nobody cares about middle school grades. Take you out of the equation. He has to want to do it.

[Anonymous]

I know this is only one small part of your problem, but this perspective may help:

I have a raging ADHD with some sensory issues, and have always struggled with personal hygiene. It’s hard to explain, but it disrupts my warm, comfortable state inside my mouth and around my body, and it’s really difficult to get the momentum.

A game changer for me was realizing how much I hated cold water and frosty mint toothpaste in my nice warm mouth. I now brush my teeth with warm water and cinnamon clove toothpaste, and it takes about a 10th of the energy/willpower. I tied it to some other activities that I don’t forget (taking meds) and now I have good dental hygiene for the first time in my life. I also started running, which helps my ADHD, overall, and also forces a shower on a regular basis. I can honestly say I’ve never been less stinky.

So – I know this is only one thing out of many — but I wonder if there are specific aspects of the toothbrushing experience that are tough for him, and if there is some easy way to lessen the mountain he has to climb to do these things.

Best of luck to you, and to him, and your family.

[Anonymous]

My son was like this. He is now over 21 and has a steady job. He still won't brush his teeth enough. Some things you have to give up on. With teens like this, EVERYTHING becomes a power struggle. Learn what you really want to focus on.
With respect to the homework, I used to tell my kid, "You know, I will still love you no matter how many times you need to repeat 9th grade." I monitored homework/grades weekly but not nightly. Praise profusely when he follows through. Try to find a teacher he connects with and get them to encourage him.

I gave up on teeth but not on showers since our house is not very big. Luckily, teen boy hormones and self-gratification urges kick in and "shower time" will become attractive.

Re the phone. Depending upon your carrier, you can program the phone to shut off at particular times. You can also do the same with the house WiFi and how it interacts with other devices.
The consequence for lying to you should be taking the phone.
NEVER be afraid to take the phone. All of the games, apps, etc. are highly addictive to the ADHD brain and intentionally designed that way. It is hard enough for grown responsible adults to put down the little blue screen and go to sleep at night.

Good luck. Teen years are HARD.